“I remember it well.”
“He must have suspected then, I was so frightened. If that had happened before … I don’t think I should have started with Armand.”
I sat staring ahead thinking of that terrifying ride across Paris in the cab.
“You see he suspected me … even then.”
I hesitated, but I could not tell her that it was for a different reason that I had been nearly abducted.
“And yet,” she went on, ‘he pretended to be surprised. I shall never forget my wedding day . I mean the horror of it. I suppose nobody ever forgets a wedding day. but other people’s would be remembered differently. I don’t know how I lived through it. And he knew, of course. I don’t think he minded so much about that. It was when the child was to be born too soon that he was mad with rage. I tried to get rid of it. It didn’t work. Who would have thought to look at William that he could have been so obstinate! Rollo had a way of finding out things, then he made me tell him . everything. He was to have a child which was not his! You can understand how furious he was. ”
Yes, I can,” I said.
“You think he had reason to be. But I didn’t want to marry him in the first place. If I had seen your example then I might have stood out against him. I might have been free… as you were. Why didn’t you marry Bertrand? You were betrothed. You were in love. And there was to be a child and yet… you didn’t marry him. That seems very strange.”
“I did what I felt was best.”
“It was brave of you. And you set up that studio in Paris and you didn’t care… And nobody seemed to mind.”
“I lived in a bohemian society, and as I told you, conventions are not considered to be of such importance there as they are in Court circles.”
“I wish I had lived in such a society. Nothing was right for me. I was married to a man I was afraid of … I was going to have a child which was not his. Sometimes I wished I could just die and leave it to other people to sort out.”
“You must never feel like that.”
“But I do… now and then. You see, the fact that I tried to get rid of William did something to me. It didn’t stop his coming but … there was some damage. I can’t have any more children. That’s another reason why Rollo hates me.”
“He can’t hate you.”
“Now you are talking as so many people talk. Why can’t he hate me, pray? Of course he hates anyone who stands in the way of what he wants. He would like to get rid of me and marry someone who could give him children … sons just like himself.”
“We all have to adjust ourselves to life. Even he has to do that.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem worth the effort. Imagine how it was. I was going to have the child who was going to appear too soon. I was sick and wretched … desperately frightened of childbirth and even more frightened of him. I used to come up here and sit down and think. I’d look over there. That’s where Paris is … In that direction … if only there wasn’t so much in between. I longed to be back there.
Sometimes I thought of climbing a little higher to the Peak. That’s a spot where the land stops suddenly and there is a big drop down.
Someone fell over not long ago. It was in the mist. It was a farmer who had lost his way and couldn’t find his bearings. He stepped out . into nothing. I’ll show you before we leave. It’s just up there. I used to think how easy it would be to take that step. That would end it. No one could blame me for anything then. And how pleased Rollo would be. He could wipe me out of his life and start again. “
“How unhappy you must have been!”
“More frightened than anything else. Believe me, at one time I thought it would be easier to do that than to go on.”
“Poor Marie-Claude, how you must have suffered!”
“He must have suspected then, I was so frightened. If that had happened before … I don’t think I should have started with Armand.”
I sat staring ahead thinking of that terrifying ride across Paris in the cab.
“You see he suspected me … even then.”
I hesitated, but I could not tell her that it was for a different reason that I had been nearly abducted.
“And yet,” she went on, ‘he pretended to be surprised. I shall never forget my wedding day . I mean the horror of it. I suppose nobody ever forgets a wedding day. but other people’s would be remembered differently. I don’t know how I lived through it. And he knew, of course. I don’t think he minded so much about that. It was when the child was to be born too soon that he was mad with rage. I tried to get rid of it. It didn’t work. Who would have thought to look at William that he could have been so obstinate! Rollo had a way of finding out things, then he made me tell him . everything. He was to have a child which was not his! You can understand how furious he was. ”
“Yes, I can,” I said.
“You think he had reason to be. But I didn’t want to marry him in the first place. If I had seen your example then I might have stood out against him. I might have been free… as you were. Why didn’t you marry Bertrand? You were betrothed. You were in love. And there was to be a child and yet… you didn’t marry him. That seems very strange.”
“I did what I felt was best.”
“It was brave of you. And you set up that studio in Paris and you didn’t care… And nobody seemed to mind.”
“I lived in a bohemian society, and as I told you, conventions are not considered to be of such importance there as they are in Court circles.”
“I wish I had lived in such a society. Nothing was right for me. I was married to a man I was afraid of.-.I was going to have a child which was not his. Sometimes I wished I could just die and leave it to other people to sort out.”
“You must never feel like that.”
“But I do… now and then. You see, the fact that I tried to get rid of William did something to me. It didn’t stop his coming but … there was some damage. I can’t have any more children. That’s another reason why Rollo hates me.”
“He can’t hate you.”
“Now you are talking as so many people talk. Why can’t he hate me, pray? Of course he hates anyone who stands in the way of what he wants. He would like to get rid of me and marry someone who could give him children … sons just like himself.”
“We all have to adjust ourselves to life. Even he has to do that.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem worth the effort. Imagine how it was. I was going to have the child who was going to appear too soon. I was sick and wretched … desperately frightened of childbirth and even more frightened of him. I used to come up here and sit down and think. I’d look over there. That’s where Paris is … In that direction … if only there wasn’t so much in between. I longed to be back there.
Sometimes I thought of climbing a little higher to the Peak. That’s a spot where the land stops suddenly and there is a big drop down.
Someone fell over not long ago. It was in the mist. It was a farmer who had lost his way and couldn’t find his bearings. He stepped out . into nothing. I’ll show you before we leave. It’s just up there. I used to think how easy it would be to take that step. That would end it. No one could blame me for anything then. And how pleased Rollo would be. He could wipe me out of his life and start again. “
“How unhappy you must have been!”
“More frightened than anything else. Believe me, at one time I thought it would be easier to do that than to go on.”