It could not last, of course. Soon the miniature would be finished.
But it had done what I had wanted it to. It had given something to William which he might never have had. The boy had changed perceptibly. Between us, I thought, Jeanne and I have given him confidence-with a little help from Kendal.
The news was bad. There were dissenting factions all over France. The government was republican but there were strong partisans of monarchy in it. Fighting continued in strife-torn Paris and the rioting of those who were more concerned with making trouble than setting the country right was bringing complete disorder to the capital.
What could I do? Where could I go? I thought again of trying to get to England. I could go to Collison House and live there with Clare. I had had no reply to my letter so I wondered if it had reached her. I was sure that she would give me a warm welcome.
When I suggested to Kendal that we might leave the castle he was overcome with horror. He loved the castle. He had been extremely happy ever since he had come.
“Don’t let’s go, Maman,” he said.
“Let’s stay here. What would the Baron do if we went?”
I did not answer. The question in my mind for a long time had been:
What will the Baron do if we stay?
The picture of William was finished and the Princesse admired it.
“Your work is so good,” she said.
“I often look at those you did of the Baron and me. The one of him is particularly interesting.”
“Do you think so?” I asked.
“Oh yes. You seem to have seen something in him when we didn’t… until you pointed it out.”
“I’m glad you think so.”
“There is an expression in his eyes which is almost benign.”
“We all have many sides to our characters,” I reminded her.
“And it takes certain people to bring them out,” she agreed.
“Why, you have made William look quite an attractive child.”
“He is an attractive child.”
“He is better since you came. Sometimes, Kate, I think you have an effect on us all. You are not a witch or something, are you?”
“No indeed. Only a painter.”
“A very good painter. You must agree to that?”
“If I didn’t think so, how could I convince other people that I was?”
“You are very wise, Kate. I am sure Rollo thinks so.”
I turned away. I was always uncomfortable when she talked of him. I remembered that mischievous streak from the past which I had discovered when she came to my room dressed as a maid. That spirit of mischief still lingered. Was she trying to tell me that she knew her husband had been my lover still was and that this child who was beginning to look too like him for the resemblance to be coincidental was his?
They were uneasy days.
I must go. I must. And the answer was always the same:
Where? How? And Kendal must not be put at risk.
Because he understood my feelings so well Rollo found work for me to do. He had been searching through the castle library, he told me, and he had found some old manuscripts which were in need of restoration.
He would show them to me if I could come to the castle the following afternoon while the boys were at their lessons.
I did wonder whether there were, in fact, any manuscripts or whether he just wanted to talk to me. I found him in the library. It was an impressive room lined with bookshelves, as I had imagined it would be, of course, but the books were on various subjects and most of them beautifully bound.
“This is my sanctum,” he said.
“Do you like it?”
I said it was delightful and impressive at the same time.
He took my hand and pressed it to his lips.
“We go on in the same old way, Kate,” he said.
“Don’t you want to change it?”
“Yes. I want to go from here really because that is what I feel I should do.”
“We want to change it for the better,” he said tersely, ‘not for the worse. “
“Have you brought me here to show me old manuscripts, or to talk of impossibilities?”
“To talk possibilities and to look at manuscripts. But first let us talk. How long will it be before you realize that we can’t go on like this?”
“We can,” I contradicted, ‘until I can get away. If it were not for Kendal, I would risk trying to get to England. I am beginning to think that that is what I must do. I have talked about it to Kendal. “
“What does he say?”
“He doesn’t want to leave, of course.”
A slow smile spread across his face.
“He is such a wise boy,” he said.
“You have charmed him with your attentions.”
“Naturally my own son likes me.”
“You have not made yourself so charming to poor little William.”
“I said my own son, I can’t account for bastards;’ ” You are a cruel, hard man. “
“Not to you, Kate … never to you.”
“Once …” I began.
“That was necessary arid it was the beginning of love, wasn’t it?”
“No, pure lust for reveng^’ Oh, that …”
“Which failed.”
“It was highly successful because it showed me that there was one woman in the world who could satisfy me.”
“You! Everything comes back to you. Please show me the manuscripts.”
“In due course. First we talk. I’m tired of this … subterfuge.”
“There is no subterfuge C’n my part.”
“When you pretend that tyson is not my son!”
“How could I do otherwise! I have an idea that your wife already suspects.”
“What does she suspect?”
“That Kendal is your soil-‘ ” Then she is correct in that. “
“That I am your …”
“Mistress?” he said.
“Well, let us hope that she will soon be correct in that too.”
“Please do not talk in that way.”
“But if the first of her suspicions is true, then the second must be.”
“I don’t agree.”
“Oh, Kate, let us make it so. It is a pity to cheat people of their assumptions.”
“You haven’t changed, have you? I believe that the Princesse … resents my being here-‘ ” She has said she is delighted that you are here. The picture other son gives her a great deal of pleasure. She says the boy is better since you have been here. He likes playing with our boy and he is losing that hang-dog look of his. When he was having his portrait painted I almost liked him. “
I said: “Even if it were possible, a woman would have to think very hard before throwing in her lot with a man like you.”
“Now, Kate, be honest. Do you think I don’t know your feelings towards me? Your lips tell lies when they speak, but sometimes they are more honest. Could you let them speak the truth regarding me … for once?”
“I hope I always speak the truth.”
“Not on one all-important matter, and that is your feelings for me.”
“I prefer not to discuss the subject. I have in any case told you many times how I feel about your actions and it is not really very complimentary.”
“That’s why I say your lips lie. Think back, Kate, to everything that has happened to us. You know that you love me. You can’t leave me.
You’re trying all the time to get back to that room in the tower. It’s not very far from here, you know. It’s undisturbed by the war. We could go there. We could recapture that night. “
I faced him angrily. I thought: It is lust, pure lust that he feels for me. He wants me because I don’t want him. He hasn’t changed since that night and is as capable of rape now as he was then. Even his affection for Kendal is nothing more than pride . pride of possession.
My instincts were warning me. I should be wary of him, wary of my own feelings for him. What it was I felt for him I was not sure, but it was not love.