“You are trembling,” he said.
“I believe you love me very much.”
“You are ridiculous.”
He took me into his arms then and kissed and went on kissing me. He was right, of course. Whatever this was I felt for him, I did not want to resist. I wanted it to be as it had been all those years ago in the turret bedroom.
Oh, what a betrayal it is when the feelings of one who prides herself on her good sense demand that she act in opposition to everything that she knows is right.
For a few moments I let him hold me I let his fingers caress my neck.
I thought: It is natural, I suppose, for a woman to be aroused by a man like this, one who emanates power, domination . which is I believe in many cases the ultimate in physical attraction.
His lips were on my right ear.
“You’re not going to leave me, Kate. I won’t allow it.”
I drew myself away from him. I knew that I was flushed and that my eyes were shining. He was aware of it, too, and what it meant. I felt angry with him because he was able to understand the truth.
Smiling at me sardonically, he said: “There is the boy, for one thing.”
“What of the boy?”
“Do you think he would go away … willingly?”
“He would have to if I went.”
“You would break his heart.”
“Hearts don’t break. It’s a physical impossibility.”
“Metaphorically speaking.”
“Children get over these things very quickly.”
“I don’t think he would. He knows that I am his father.”
“How could he know such a thing?”
“He asked me.”
“What? Why should he do that?”
“He had overheard the servants talking.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“That servants talk? They do, you know. All the time. Do you think for one moment that they don’t know how things are between us? Do you think they can’t see the affinity between Kendal and myself?”
“What did you say to him?”
“I couldn’t lie, could I? To my own son.”
“Oh! How could you!”
“Believe me, he is delighted. He climbed up on me. I was sitting at the time and do you know, he put his arms round my neck and hugged me.
He kept shouting: “I knew it was true. I knew it.” I asked him if he was pleased with his father, and he said he wouldn’t ever want another father. I was the one. He had chosen me from the moment he saw me.
There! What do you think of that? “
“Oh, you shouldn’t have told him.”
“Should I have lied? Why should he not know the truth? He’s happy. He said: ” Then if you are my father, this castle is really my home. ” Oh, he’s one of us. No doubt of that.”
“One of the glorious Norman conquerors, you mean?”
“Exactly. And now you see, Kate, why it is impossible for you to take him away.”
“I don’t see that at all. I think that if the servants are talking there is all the more reason why I should go away. I want Kendal to go to school in England.”
“He can do that from here when the time comes. We’ll take him over to his school. We’ll go and get him when school holidays come round.
There is nothing in our way. “
“As I see it, there is everything. You have made up my mind for me. I shall tell Clare that we must get ready to go at once. We can’t stay here any longer.”
“What of your work here?”
“You know you have only given it to me so that I shall have something to do. If I don’t finish the manuscripts, someone else will. Yes, I see it clearly now. We must go. Now that you have told Kendal you are his father, I see it is impossible for us to remain.”
I wanted to get away, to think. He had shocked me deeply. I knew that Kendal would now be asking all sorts of questions. I must have the right answers ready.
He had done it purposely. He had deliberately told the boy.
I tried to brush past him, but he caught me by the shoulders.
“Kate,” he said, ‘what are you going to do? “
“Get away … to think … to make plans.”
“Wait a while. Give me time.”
“Time … time for what?”
“I will think of something. Something is going to happen … I promise you. Don’t do anything rash. Give me a little more time.”
Then he had me in his arms again. He held me to him. I wanted to stay there . just like that. The thought of going away was unbearable.
And as we stood there, I heard a movement. The door was opening.
We broke away guiltily as Clare came into the room.
“Oh!” She gave a little exclamation. I noticed the uneasy look in her large brown eyes.
“I thought you were alone here, Kate …”
The Baron bowed.
She acknowledged his greeting and went on: “I only wanted to say, would you mind if we ate a little earlier today as the boys want to get out into the woods. It’s some new game, I think. One goes off ahead of the other and leaves a trail …”
We were not concentrating on what she was saying. Nor was she. She must have seen our embrace and it had upset her. She hated conflict of any sort and I knew she would be deeply disturbed at the thought of my conducting a love-affair with the Baron while his wife was on her invalid’s couch in another part of the castle.
She did not mention what she had seen and I said nothing to her immediately about my decision to go back with her. She was visiting the castle every day and her friendship with the Princesse was growing fast. If she did not go to the castle a message would come to the Loge asking if she was well and if so would she come at once.
I knew what it was-that special brand of sympathy. As I have said, the Princesse, who revelled in self-pity, would find the ideal listener in Clare. It had always been like that. I remembered poor little Faith Camborne who had been so devoted to Clare. I was not surprised that the Princesse found in her the ideal companion. I suppose there are few people in the world who want to listen to other people’s troubles all the time. But Clare was one who could do this admirably. She scarcely ever mentioned herself and had always had the gift of making other people’s troubles hers.
I remembered how my father had written of her, telling me how much she had done for him. Clare was indeed a rare person.
It was afternoon-three or four days after she had surprised Rollo and me together. I had said nothing to her yet, but I was making plans in my own mind. I must admit I kept postponing them, making excuses to myself why I could not put them into action immediately. I wanted to work everything out very thoroughly, I told myself. I wanted to imagine going back to Collison House . living there . finding a niche in that country life where one’s neighbours knew most of one’s business. It seemed that they did here too; but that somehow was different. The Baron was here to protect me. I suppressed that thought as soon as it came. Could I do it? I had money which I had earned in Paris. I had enough to get me to England and to last me for about a year while I put out feelers. And at the back of my mind was the thought of the security that collection of miniatures had brought me.
I need not worry financially and that had been the main cause of my anxiety.
Jeanne had gone into the nearby village to shop and taken the dog-cart with her. It belonged to the castle, of course, but we had been given permission to use it.
The fact that both she and the boys were out gave me an opportunity to talk to Clare.
I knew that she wanted to say something to me and did not quite know how to begin.
I said: “Are you seeing the Princesse this afternoon?”
“Yes. She expects me.”
“You and she have become great friends in a very short time.”
“I am sorry for her. She is really a very unhappy woman.”