“My dear Kate, how can you ever know what is going on in other people’s minds? Now try and sleep. When you are rested you will be able to take a clearer view of all this. Then we’ll talk again.”
“If I could believe …”
“You can believe. I tell you, you can. I know. I can see it so clear.
I really knew her better than anyone else here. She was open with me.
She confided in me. I knew something of what was in her mind. She has taken her life because she thought it was the best thing for herself . and for others. I see it clearly. “
I wish I could. “
“You will… and when this has all blown over … you are going to be happy. I promise you.”
“You are wonderful, Clare, You comfort me … as you comforted my father.”
I took her draught. It did enable me to get a few hours’ of sleep, but I was awake early and I trembled to contemplate what the day would bring forth.
There was much coming and going at the castle all during the morning.
I did not go out. I could not bear to. Jeanne took Kendal out walking in the woods.
Rollo come that morning. He looked very serious but I could not guess what he was thinking.
Clare, who had been in her room, came down dressed for going out.
She left us together.
I said: “Rollo, this is terrible. How could it have happened?”
“She killed herself. She took the leap. You know how unstable she was.
Why are you looking at me like that? “
He came towards me, but I shrank back.
“You are thinking .. he began.
I did not speak.
He went on slowly: “I know. It is what some people will think. It’s not true, Kate. I did not see her at all during yesterday. She went out alone. I was here all day.”
“You … you wanted her out of the way,” I heard myself say.
“Of course I wanted her out of the way. She was stopping us … I knew you would never really want to come while she lived. And now … she is gone.” He paused for a few moments, then he went on: “She killed herself. It was suicide.”
“But why? How?”
“Why? She was always sorry for herself, saying she had nothing to live for. She has talked of doing it many times … and now she has.”
“I wish …”
“What do you wish? Are you telling me that you don’t believe me? Say it, Kate. Say you think I did it. You think she went to that spot … as she generally did. You think I followed her there.”
“Did you … once before … and find me?” I asked.
“Yes,” he admitted.
“I wanted to get away from the castle and talk to her quietly. I always knew we were overheard. I wanted to meet her there … alone to talk to her … to reason with her …”
“And yesterday?”
“I have told you I did not see her yesterday. Why are you looking at me like that?”
He had taken me by the shoulders.
“Tell me what’s in your mind,” he said.
“I … I think it would be best… for all of us … if I went away.”
“Go away … now that we are free!” There was a look in his face which frightened me. I thought then: He killed her. He has to have his own way.
“It will be difficult,” I heard myself stammering.
“There will be questions … enquiries … So much is known about us. Whispers .. scandals … I should never have stayed here with Kendal. What will it be like for him here? Whatever happens there will be talk. There will be this shadow hanging over him. I must get away. That seems very clear to me now.”
“No, you shall not go. Now now.”
“You have always taken everything you wanted,” I told him.
“But there comes a point when you cannot go on. People cannot be brushed aside just because they have become an impediment.”
“You’re condemning me as a murderer, Kate.”
I turned away. I could not bear to look at him. He was angry now. He had my shoulders -igain and he shook them.
“Is that what you think of me?”
“I know you are ruthless.”
“I love you and the boy, and I want you with me for the rest of my life.”
“And she was in the way.”
“She was…”
“She will always be there. Don’t you see that? I shall never be able to forget her lying in that ravine … sent to her death.”
“Sent! It was her own wish.”
I shook my head sadly.
“There will be accusations.”
“People are always ready to accuse. Even you, Kate.”
“Please swear to me that you did not kill her.”
“I swear it.”
For a moment I allowed myself to slip into his embrace and to feel his kisses on my lips.
But I did not believe him. Everything he had done had shown me that he would always attempt to get his own way. Now he wanted me and Kendal and she had stood in the way. So she was now dead.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, she would always be there.
I said: “There could be a trial.”
“A trial of whom? Of me? My dearest Kate, this is a case of suicide.
Nobody would dare officially to accuse me of murder. What, here . in my own domain . and the country in turmoil, still struggling to set itself to rights! There is no fear of that. “
“What do you fear, then?”
“Only that you will leave me. I have nothing else to fear. She no longer wanted to live so she took her own life … and in doing so she has left me free. I had to see you, but I think it would be better if you didn’t come to the castle just yet. One of the maids can bring William here for his lessons. This unpleasant business will soon blow over. I shall come here to see you, Kate. Tell me that you love me.”
“Yes,” I said, “I’m afraid I do.”
“Afraid? What are you afraid of?”
“Of so much.”
“In time, we’ll build something, you and I. I’ll have what I have always wanted … one whom I could truly and wholeheartedly love .. and the children we shall have together.”
“I wish it could be so.”
“It shall be. It can be now. I promise you.”
I wanted to believe him. I tried to force myself to believe him. I said to myself: We will live through the difficult days and ahead of us there will be the happiness which we both want.
But the terrible misgivings stayed with me and I knew that forever she would be there between us, the shadowy third whose death had been the key to our own desires.
Clare came to sit by my bed that night. She said: “I heard you tossing and turning and I made another little draught for you. You mustn’t get into the habit of wanting them, though.”
“Thank you, Clare.”
“What did he say today?”
“That he didn’t do it.”
“Of course he didn’t. She did it herself ” That was what he said. But even if it were true, he drove her to it. he and I together. “
“No. She drove herself. I’ve told you so many times how well I knew her, how she confided in me. She saw that it was the best way. She would never have been happy. She had decided against making a try to be so a long time ago. Invalidism appealed to her. She had a child but she neglected him. Some women could have found happiness in him. I think she saw all that at the end. She thought hers was rather a worthless life and that others could gain so much from her departure from it.”
“I knew her too, Clare, and I don’t think she would have reasoned that way. If she would have done, why should she deny Rollo the divorce he wanted? No, I think she was looking for revenge on him. Why should she have taken her life to make it easier for him? A divorce would have been enough to give him his freedom.”
“Well, divorce is not considered a true break-up of marriage in some quarters. The Baron wanted there to be no suggestion that his sons were not recognized as legitimate … everywhere.”