“But his son is illegitimate.”
“When you are married he’ll get him made legitimate. That can be done.”
“William is recognized as his son.”
“And isn’t.”
“Oh, it’s all so involved … so tragically involved. I don’t think I could ever be truly happy. I should always see her lying there. I should never be able to forget her, and in my heart I would always suspect that my happiness had come through … murder.”
“I believe you have convinced yourself that he killed her.”
“Not convinced … but-and I would tell no one else but you— I should always wonder. Others would too. It would be a shadow to haunt our lives. We should never be free from her. It would affect our love for each other. We should be haunted … haunted, Clare, forever. I think I ought to get right away. I want to take Kendal with me.”
“He will never be happy away from here.”
“He will learn in time. I shall have to deceive him just at first. I think I shall tell him that we are going back for a holiday … let him think that we are coming back here.”
“And you will come back?”
“No, I shall try to start afresh. I shall find somewhere in London.
Rollo must never know where. I can’t go back to
Collison House with you. I shall have to have somewhere where Rollo cannot find me. “
“If.he did, he would persuade you that what you are doing is wrong.”
“Do you think it is wrong, Clare?”
“Yes, I do. You have a right to happiness. You can be happy. You love him. I know what he did to you. I know the sort of man he is … but he is the man you love. Kendal adores him and he is his father. He’ll never be happy away from him. He is too old to get over it now. He will always remember and yearn for him.”
“He must forget… in time.”
“I tell you he will never forget his own father.”
“He didn’t know he had one for a long time.”
“You are contemplating doing the wrong thing. You should take what happiness is offered you. There will be a difficult time to follow, perhaps, but that will be forgotten and then you will come into your own. I long to see you as Madame la Baronne … and Kendal happy .. and little William … he’ll be overjoyed. You should be happy, Kate. We’re put into this world to be happy. I promised your father that if ever it was in my power to make you happy. I would do everything possible.”
“You have, Clare.”
“Yes, I have. And now you are talking of throwing away this chance. I want to see you happy before I go.”
“Dear Clare, you are so good. You care so much for others … and make their problems yours. But I know myself, and I think I know best about this. I am never going to be happy with this shadow between us.”
“Because in your heart you believed that he killed her?”
“I can’t stop myself. The doubt will always be there. I can’t live with it. I have made up my mind. I am going to start afresh.”
“He will never permit it.”
“He won’t know how to stop it. I want you to help me. I am going to slip away… quietly. And then I shall lose myself in England.
Somewhere where he will never be able to find me. “
“You will let me know where you are?”
“When I have found a place I will write to you at Collison House, but you will have to promise to keep my secret. Will you?”
“I will do anything for you, you know.”
“Then you will help me now?”
“With all my heart,” she said solemnly.
When I awoke in the morning I was certain I had come to the right decision, though I had never felt so unhappy in the whole of my life.
I realized only now how deep my feelings for this man had gone. There would never be another in my life. I would dedicate everything to my child, but I knew that he would never forget and perhaps continue to blame me for taking him from the father he had grown to love and admire more than anyone in the world. And when he no longer saw the Baron, I knew that the picture he retained of him would grow more and more splendid.
I saw the weary years stretching ahead, bereft of joy. I must start a new life. The plan was beginning to evolve. 1 must make my way to London, find lodgings there until I could find a studio in which to work. All I had to recommend me was my father’s name. That counted for something. But would the success I had had in Paris have been heard of?
That was what I had to discover. So I must slip away from here secretly. I wondered how I was going to get Kendal to come with me. He was no longer a small child-in fact he was old for his years, and already I could see Rollo in him. But I had to find some way of getting him to leave quietly. Clare would help me.
One thing was certain. Rollo must not know, for if he did he would do everything he could to prevent me. But I must go. Of that I was certain.
I walked round the moat and looked at the castle. I would remember it always in the years to come. There would be a perpetual ache in my heart and a longing for something that never could be.
Marie-Claude dead had driven as big a rift between us as she ever had alive.
My thoughts were in turmoil when I returned to the Loge. It seemed quiet and empty. Kendal and Jeanne were not there. Nor, it seemed, was Clare.
I went up to my room to take off my cloak and there lying on my bed was an envelope addressed to me. It was in Clare’s handwriting.
Puzzled, I took it up and slit the envelope. There were several sheets of paper inside.
I read the opening words. They danced before my eyes. I could hardly believe I was not dreaming. I seemed to be plunging deeper and deeper into nightmare.
My dearest Kate [she had written], I have been up all night trying to work out how to do what I must do. I realized when we talked last night what I had to do. It seemed that there was only one way.
Marie-Claude did not commit suicide. She was murdered and I know who killed her. “
Let me explain to you. I have always been the sort of person who had little life of her own. I always seemed to be on the edge of things looking in. I loved hearing of people’s lives. I loved sharing them.
I was grateful to be taken in and allowed to. I grew so fond of them.
I have been deeply fond of many people. none like you and your father though, because you brought me right into your family . you made me one of you . and gave me more of a life of my own than I had ever had.
I do want you to understand me. I know you think you do, but you don’t really know the essential part of me and you have to if you are going to understand how everything happened. We all have hidden places.
Perhaps I haven’t any more than anyone else.
When I was young I had no life of my own . There was only my mother’s. I was with her all the time . reading to her . talking to her . towards the end doing everything for her. She was very ill and suffered a lot of pain. I loved her dearly. It was hard watching her. She wanted to die but she couldn’t. She just had to go on lying there suffering, waiting for the end. It is unbearable watching someone you love suffer, Kate. I thought constantly of how I could alleviate her pain. One night, I gave her an extra dose of the painkilling medicine the doctor had given her. She died peacefully then. I didn’t regret it. I knew I had done the right thing. I was happy because I had done that and saved her from the terrible nights of pain.
Then I came to you and you were all so warmhearted and you accepted me in Evie’s place and you seemed to be so fond of me. I loved the life.
It was so different from what it had been. I was fond of everyone in the village. Such nice good kind people . particularly the twins.
I was drawn to them . mainly because of Faith. Poor Faith, she wasn’t happy, was she? She was always afraid. I suppose we all have a certain amount of fear in us, but Faith had a double share ‘because she had her sister’s as well. I knew she was very unhappy and tried to hide it because she didn’t want to spoil everything for her sister.