She wanted him to hurt the way she’d been hurt.
The way James had hurt her.
Even worse, to have a beautiful, sweet taste of trust, of something she’d never thought she’d ever have again, just to have it brutally yanked out from under her was more than she could bear.
Am I really that crappy a judge of character? Maybe I don’t deserve to be in a relationship if I can’t manage to pick a decent guy. “You men are all alike, aren’t you? Everything’s so cut and dry? It doesn’t matter what we do, we’re always going to get questioned for it. You’re all fucking assholes.”
“Pet, calm down, please. Let’s talk about this.”
“No, I’m done talking.” She stood up and took her plate to the kitchen. “I fucking talked my heart out to James and thought he’d changed and it turned out he was just using me. Are you just using me, too, asshole? Huh? I know I’m not built like one of those goddamned porn models, but I’m good enough to get your jollies off over, aren’t I?” Her rapidly fraying control barely hung on by a thread.
“Pet.” She heard his warning tone, the way he drew the word out, and ignored it.
She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks and was helpless to stop them. She turned on him again. “No, fuck this shit, fuck men who just use women. So I kept a letter. Big fat hairy deal. I’m still trying to deal with all that shit, you know. And I would think you’d be a little more understanding about it instead of an asshole.”
All the pain and rage she’d tried to hold back bubbled like a toxic stew to the surface. She felt as helpless to hold it back as she was to control what her body did in Tony’s hands.
He stood. “Last warning, pet,” he quietly said. “Calm down and let’s talk this out. I’m very sorry I invaded your privacy, and I’m sorry I questioned your motives. You have every right to be angry with me for that. I was wrong. But we can leave the dramatics out of it—”
The last thread snapped. “No, I’m not going to fucking calm down! How can you be so fucking calm, huh? I guess life is happy in Dom town where everyone does what they’re told when they’re told. Well in my world it didn’t work like that. I was made a chump by a guy who many of my friends warned me would hurt me again. And they were right, he did. I’m an idiot for trusting, and I’m beginning to think you’re all alike. That you’re all assholes.”
“Good night, pet. When you can discuss this calmly, we’ll talk.”
She watched as he left. After a minute, when he didn’t return, she raced to the front window and realized he had, in fact, driven off.
What the fuck did I just do?
Yes, she had every right to be angry at him, but as all the pain and anger flowed out of her, as control began to seep back into her brain, she realized what she’d done, what she’d said.
He had apologized. He had tried to calm her down, and she would have nothing to do with it.
Her appetite gone, she shoved the pizza, box and all, into the fridge and went to bed where she cried herself to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
All day Thursday, she felt like crap. She didn’t text Tony that morning when she got up, and she didn’t hear from him at all.
Man, I fucked this up.
All she knew was that she had to try to find a way to fix it. It felt like a huge sinkhole had suddenly developed in her life.
Like a large piece of her had dropped out of existence.
Maybe this was just an arrangement to him, but she realized she couldn’t lie to herself about how important it was to more than just her series of articles.
She wanted Tony in her life. If the only way she could have him was for this short amount of time, she’d take it and be glad of it.
Late Thursday evening, she swallowed her pride, pulled up Tony’s number on her contact list, and dialed it.
By the third ring she was certain it would go to his voice mail. That was why it startled her when his voice came on the line. “Hello.”
“Um.” She cleared her throat and tried again. “Hi. It’s, uh, Shay.”
“I know. I saw your number on the screen.”
She realized he wasn’t going to lead her through this. She’d have to nut up and spit it out. “I wanted to call and say I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
She blinked, waiting. When he didn’t continue, she said, “Aren’t you sorry?” She regretted the words as soon as she said them.
“I’m sorry we fought, yes. And I apologized to you several times last night, if you’ll recall, for reading the letter and for doubting you. If you’re expecting an apology for me leaving when you started throwing a tantrum, I’m not going to apologize for a fight I didn’t escalate.”
She wanted to blast him, except for there being one teensy weensy problem with that.
He was right, and she knew it.
Dammit.
She let out a breath and tried again. “I’m really sorry, Tony. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. Can I have another chance? Please?”
“I warned you that I’m not into drama. I don’t tolerate it at work, and I damn sure won’t tolerate it in my private life. I was doing you a favor. I don’t appreciate being called an asshole for my efforts.”
“I didn’t agree with you.”
“That’s fine. You have every right to disagree with me. Even to be angry with me. You can, however, be respectful when expressing your disagreement and anger. I’m not perfect. But I’m also not your ex and I don’t deserve to be treated like him just because you’re still not finished dealing with your pain and anger over what he did to you.”
Dammit. He was right.
Again.
“Look, I said I’m sorry. Please?”
She heard him let out what definitely sounded like a sigh on his end of the line. Although she didn’t know if it was one of aggravation or acceptance. “What do you want from me, Shayla?”
She felt a wave of dismay at him calling her Shayla instead of Shay.
Or pet.
“I told you. I want another chance.”
The pause before his answer seemed to last a year. “I usually don’t give second chances when disrespect is involved. I made that perfectly clear to you in the beginning. I thought we had the start of a really good dynamic going and you pull something like that. It makes me reluctant to want to invest more time in it.”
She felt like crap and took the plunge. “I’m sorry, Sir,” she softly said. “I have issues, all right? I warned you about that, too. Sir.”
This time he laughed. She hated that the sound made some place deep inside her feel good. “You don’t have issues. You have subscriptions.”
“Ha-ha, yes, pick on the vanilla chick who’s diving headfirst into all this. Very funny. I said I’m sorry.” She felt desperation setting in at the thought of never feeling his hand on the back of her neck again. In a whisper, she begged. “Please, Sir? May I have another chance?”
She didn’t realize she held her breath awaiting his response until she let it out when he finally replied. “Fine. No more chances after this one. Not for that. You have a problem, you handle it like an adult and not a brat. You code and talk to me. You don’t act out. You don’t be disrespectful. Yes, I screwed up. But when I’m standing there admitting I screwed up and apologizing for it, it’s time to back down and talk, not throw a tantrum.”
She struggled to hold back tears of relief. She spit it out before she lost her nerve. “I’m sorry, Sir. I was scared.”