And late that afternoon all was silent as the rest of the men had gone off to watch a football match. Even left with eighteen boxes to muck out and horses to groom, I was at that second eminently content with the bright chirping songs of the birds in the balmy sunshine. But was, some few seconds later, standing leaning on my fork wondering quite sincerely was it time to flit. However for the sake of another meal and night’s sleep, I was about to bend to grip the worn oak handles to push this heaped barrow of straw and dung, when suddenly I felt someone there in the yard looking at me. And I turned to see a figure in riding breeches, cap and boots crossing on the cobble stones in my direction. A face with its jaw dropping about eighteen miles. And making its wearer, Awfully Stupid Kelly, look even more so.
‘Kildare. I say, what on earth are you doing here.’
‘Working.’
‘But you simply can’t be working here.’
‘I am.’
‘As a common stable lad. I simply cannot believe my eyes.’
‘And I suppose you live here Kelly.’
‘I do as a matter of fact. And good lord, I have only just this moment come back from school. And by the way where is my box of fudge. That you wretchedly ran off with. All of my fudge.’
‘I merely borrowed it.’
‘You stole it. Deliberately. Bewley’s best fudge it was too. I have a good mind to be most angry.’
‘I most heartily regret that sad incident Kelly. But I quite honestly promise as soon as circumstances allow to have Bewley’s send you another box. I needed your fudge to sustain me in the rigours of my extended cross country journey.’
‘That’s no excuse to trick me Kildare.’
‘No I suppose it isn’t.’
‘Of course I could somewhat understand your running away when the Presidium put the blame on you for the fire and the flooding. And had you told me, I would have given you my fudge. But crikey, this is indeed a most strange state of affairs. How have you got here.’
‘Merely by walking down the drive.’
‘But did you know this is where I lived. You haven’t have you, come to sponge and steal further from me. I should heartily resent it you know.’
‘I assure you Kelly had I known this was where you lived I should have skirted your acres and tried elsewhere to find employment. But as clearly it’s all a horrid mistake landing here I would ask that you do not please inform on me.’
‘I am not a rat.’
‘Well I’m pleased Kelly to hear that.’
‘But you must take off those sordid clothes and change into something respectable. I shall invite you into the house and you may then be introduced to my parents in a proper manner.’
‘That is awfully kind of you Kelly. But honestly, circumstances being what they are, I do think perhaps it might be more politic for me to remain where I am. Or your head groom will sack me. At this moment I have all those boxes to muck out.’
‘But you don’t intend do you to stay here as a lowly stable lad. You’re from the right sort.’
‘Good lord, I wonder.’
‘But you are. Why I’ve even made you an elegant leading character in my most recent play I’ve written.’
‘Well my dear Kelly that’s very sporting of you. To feature me like that. I haven’t really made any firm plans as it were. But clearly at the moment I’m rather not, what one might term, of the acceptable sort. As you may all too soon hear. Even made a shambles of being a temporary indoor servant. In fact presently I’m banished from your house.’
‘My God, you Kildare, a servant.’
‘Yes Kelly. Me a servant.’
‘You aren’t the one then who’s been stealing the bananas.’
‘I am I regret to say.’
‘Thieving other people’s property seems to be a habit of yours. Nonetheless I shall help you. Purejoy said although you weren’t very matey you were very spunky. Of course everyone in the upper form thought you so attractive that they all wanted to bugger you.’
‘I beg your pardon Kelly.’
‘It’s exactly the truth. They of course think I’m far too plain.’
‘O no, not at all Kelly.’
‘Well they do, Kildare.’
‘Absolute nonsense. I mean I’m not suggesting that you would win a beauty pageant but you are quite presentable.’
‘No need Kildare to flatter me. I know I’m not awfully attractive. But at least you in your own way were quite kind to me at school. Although I was aggrieved you stole my fudge, I will not forget your getting me off a beating from the Presidium. But what has happened to bring you to this sorry pass. Have your family been reduced in circumstances. Mr Michael told me you come of very grand ancient landed people indeed. And that you had your own private tutor.’
‘Yes, once upon a time, Kelly. But now, however mournful and regrettable it may seem, I am but a mere stable lad.’
‘But of course you’re not. You mustn’t say that. How awfully awful.’
‘It is rather, but I fear it is the case.’
‘Well Kildare, it’s for me to help you if I can. Otherwise circumstances are going to make this a most awful holiday.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘O it’s not for you to be sorry.’
‘Well Kelly, if you could intercede to get me another mattress to sleep on I would be very grateful.’
‘But of course I shall Kildare.’
‘And I ask only further of you that you do not disclose to anyone who I am. One has already incurred sufficient disfavour. And I did rather contribute to the dismissal of a previous butler.’
‘That’s no cause to worry Kildare. We’re always getting new butlers. We’re just really trades people you know, and the butlers who come to us because we can pay more, usually do so from far grander service, and always end up getting drunk and declaring their superiority. Some of them have even angrily broken whole dinner services on the floor. Inevitably they give in their notice or must be sacked. Of course my mother and father do endeavour to keep them in their place. But somehow they never succeed. So you’re not to worry in the least.’
‘Well I am somewhat relieved to hear that that state of affairs is customary in your household Kelly, nevertheless I should prefer to remain incognito.’
‘But it is a disgrace that someone of your social class should be so demeaned like this. I find it most upsetting. I really do. Are you staying in the loft.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well that really is the limit.’
‘The loft’s not so bad Kelly.’
‘Well I should not like to be flung into a loft. I mean if something like this Kildare happened to me I should not atall take it lying down.’
‘Well Kelly I suppose you in fact may be right. It’s not actually awfully nice.’
‘But it is your own fault, isn’t it, Kildare. I mean you ran away from school. Not facing up to things.’