Until I opened my eyes to find myself in Lugh’s place again. The pain was blessedly gone, but one look at Lugh sent my sense of relief scurrying for cover.
Black leather, as usual, but different this time. He looked like a Hell’s Angel crossed with one of those professional wrestlers who always play the bad guy. Heavy loops of silver chain decorated his jacket. Fingerless gloves with silver-studded cuffs circled his wrists. And instead of his usually elegant leather boots, he wore heavy, cruel-looking shit-kickers.
The look on his face said I was the shit he wanted to kick. I tried willing myself to wake up, but-wouldn’t you know it? — this time it didn’t work.
Lugh advanced on me, both his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes glowing like beacons. I backed away. I had a feeling that even though this was a dream, he was perfectly capable of making me hurt in it.
He kept coming, and I kept backing up, until I hit a wall that was closer than I’d expected. Maybe it hadn’t been there until that moment. I put my hands up in a defensive gesture as he closed the last little bit of distance between us.
I could no more hold him off than I could a tank. His chest hit my palms and pushed my arms back. He slapped his hands hard against the wall on each side of my head and leaned into me.
I’d thought Adam was scary-looking when he was mad. Lugh was the stuff of nightmares. The menace radiated from him in almost palpable waves, pounding against my defenses. Every nerve in my body demanded I run for my life, but I couldn’t force a single muscle to move.
Not that I could have gone anywhere anyway. He’d parked himself in my personal space, and he wasn’t leaving until he was good and ready.
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, unable to bear the pressure of his gaze.
“Morgan Kingsley, you are a fool, ” he growled. And I mean growled. The sound of his voice was barely human.
I quivered in terror. And believe me, I’m not the quivering type. Bravado is one of my best friends, but I couldn’t muster a drop of it.
“Just what are you planning on doing?” he continued, still in that awful, growling voice. “You have no home, you have no friends, you have no resources, and you’ve fled from the one man who can actually help you!”
He was so furious I felt little drops of spit pepper my cheeks. Talk about realistic dreams…
“Open your eyes and look at me!” he commanded.
But I was too damn scared. I guess I was hoping if I didn’t look, he’d go away, kind of like the monster under the bed.
He didn’t.
One hard, strong hand closed around my throat and squeezed.
I gasped, and my eyes opened of their own accord. Once I met his gaze, I couldn’t look away. And I wanted to, believe me I did.
Still holding me by the throat and squeezing just hard enough to make breathing difficult, he leaned forward until his nose almost touched mine.
“The instant you wake up, you will call Adam and have him come to pick you up. Assuming, that is, that he hasn’t been arrested thanks to you.”
I grabbed his wrist with both my hands and tried to break his grip on my throat. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t budge.
“He might not let me come back,” I managed to choke out with what little air I could suck in. Funny how I needed to breathe even in a dream.
“He will. Unlike you, Morgan, he’s not childish enough to let his emotions rule his common sense. And he knows there’s more at stake here than your life.”
“You don’t understand. I watched him kill Val in cold blood!”
“I don’t understand?” He shook me, rattling my teeth. “I’m a passenger in your body. I can read your thoughts. I understand exactly what you did. I understand that you were angry with yourself for allowing him to hurt her, and that you took your anger out on him in the worst possible way.”
I had to close my eyes again, couldn’t face Lugh’s anger, couldn’t face what I’d done.
Because, of course, Lugh was right.
He let go of my throat, and even with my eyes closed I knew he’d moved away, though I hadn’t heard any footsteps. My back slid down the wall until my butt hit the floor. Eyes still closed, I touched a hand to my throat to see if he’d left bruises. It seemed not.
When I gathered enough courage to open my eyes again, I saw that he’d conjured a wing chair out of nowhere and was sitting on the very edge of it about ten feet away. His eyes still glowed, and his posture was still stiff and angry, but at least he’d given me some breathing room.
My voice came out weak and breathy when I spoke. “If you know my thoughts, then you know how sorry I am for what I did. If I could take it back, I would. But I’m only human. And watching him kill Val, hearing him tell me that he could even kill Dominic and not feel bad about it, was one too many shocks to absorb. I cracked.”
A little bit of the tension eased out of Lugh’s shoulders, and I thought his eyes glowed a little less brightly. “Adam has not often walked the Mortal Plain,” he said. Thank God he wasn’t growling anymore. The sound had been more disturbing than I wanted to admit.
“He realizes that humans don’t understand demons very well,” Lugh continued. “He doesn’t realize that the reverse is also true.”
If psychoanalyzing Adam would have a calming effect on Lugh, I was all for it. “What do you mean?”
“What he said to you was foolish, a tactical error. And you don’t entirely understand what he meant.”
“And you do.”
He shrugged. Yes, the glow in his eyes was definitely dying down. Hallelujah!
“I’m a demon, so yes, I do. I’ll try to explain it, but I can’t guarantee I’ll succeed.” He was feeling so warm and fuzzy toward me he even offered a hint of a smile. “Just like I couldn’t guarantee to make Adam understand why a human might feel guilty over what he’d done.
“It’s not that we are without emotions. And it’s not that we don’t feel guilt. You remember how Adam reacted when you told Dominic his demon wasn’t dead?”
I nodded. How could I forget? And yes, refusing to heal himself had obviously been a sign of guilt.
“We are by our nature a very pragmatic people. We will feel guilt and regret over something we feel we should have done differently. But we are better than humans at accepting those things we cannot change.”
I thought about that a bit, rolled the idea around my mind and tried to understand it. “So Adam could kill Dominic without remorse as long as he believed it was something he couldn’t change? Even though he’s very fond of Dominic?”
Lugh smiled gently. “He’s more than just ‘fond’ of him, but yes, that’s the point he was trying to make. When he’s had more experience with human thoughts and feelings, he’ll understand why that was the wrong time to make the point.”
I wasn’t sure there was a right time to make a point like that. For one thing, it showed me just exactly how much you could ever trust a demon. Knowing that no matter how much they cared about you, they’d be willing to kill you if the situation warranted was not a comforting thought. Lugh might think of it as “pragmatic.” I wondered if “ruthless” wasn’t a better word.
“I think there’s something else you should know,” Lugh continued. “Something that might help you accept Adam a little better.”
If he thought I was going to “accept” Adam, he was deluding himself. Naturally, I didn’t share my opinion, though I suppose he knew it anyway.
“Adam’s enjoyment of causing pain isn’t typical human sadism.”
Typical human sadism?
I think Lugh heard that thought, because a hint of a smile touched his lips, then vanished.
“A human who enjoyed the excesses that he does wouldn’t be so scrupulous about how he found his gratification. A human wouldn’t have tempered his tastes for his lover as Adam has for Dominic. There are many psychological traits that would accompany sadism of that level if he were human-a need to dominate and humiliate, for one-that aren’t present in Adam.