I nodded.
“God help him. They are in no mood to be gentle.”
I said passionately: They are madmen. They look like savages. And these are his own people . the people who have lived on his estate, benefited from his bounty . “
That could be dangerous talk,” she said.
“It’s true,” I cried.
“Nou-Nou, what will happen to him?”
They’ll hang him, most likely,” she said dispassionately.
“No!”
“It’s what they’re doing. Hanging them on the lanterns. That’s what I heard. They’ve taken the Bastille. It’s the start. It’s the beginning of the Reign of Terror. There is no chance for the Comte and his kind.
I’m glad my Ursule went when she did. This would have been terrible for her. They won’t spare the women, you know. “
I could not bear to look at her. She was so calm and almost gloating.
“Oh yes,” she went on, ‘it was right she should go when she did. It wouldn’t have done for her to live through this. “
I did not want to look at Nou-Nou, nor to listen to her;
I wanted to be alone with my sorrow.
But she came to me and sat beside me; she laid a cold hand over mine.
“You will never be with him now, will you?” she said.
“You will never lie beside him and exult in what she so dreaded. Her mother was the same. Some women are like that. They should never marry. It’s not fair to them. But they are reared in ignorance … as it is right they should be … and then suddenly they come to knowledge and they find it unendurable. Such was my little Ursule. Such a happy girl she was . playing with her dolls. She loved her dolls. They used to call her the Little Mother. And then … they married her to him. Anyone else would have been better. She was so like her mother in every way . yes, in every way.”
I wished she would go. I could think of nothing but him. What were they doing to him? He would suffer from indignity more than physical pain, I knew. I kept thinking of him as he had been the first time I had seen him, when I had called him the Devil, on Horseback. So proud, so formidable, invincible.
I can tell the truth now,” Nou-Nou was saying.
“It’s like a burden dropping from you. I always felt the need to tell the truth. I’ve been on the point of doing it many times. You suspected him, didn’t you?
Everyone suspected him-you too. Yes, some thought you’d have a hand in it. He had a motive, didn’t he? He was tied to her . and she couldn’t give him a son and there was a young healthy woman . you.
Mademoiselle. It was easy to see how he felt about you. They were all waiting, weren’t they? I laughed, I did, to think of Gabrielle LeGrand What a blow for her, although she might have known it wouldn’t be her . even if he were free. But they go on hoping, don’t they? Such opinions they have of themselves. It was easy to see she had long been a habit with him. “
“Please, Nou-Nou,” I said, “I am very tired.”
“Yes, you’re tired and they’ve taken him, haven’t they? They’ll show no mercy to him. He wasn’t much of a one for showing mercy himself, was he? He’ll be swinging from a lantern by now. Perhaps they’ll hang him from one of his own.”
“Stop it, NouNou.”
“I hated him,” she said fiercely.
“I hated him for what he did to my Ursule. She dreaded his coming to her.”
“You’ve admitted it would have been the same with any man.”
“Some might have been kinder.”
“Nou-Nou, will you please leave me alone.”
“Not till I’ve told you. You must listen to me. It’s best to know the truth. It can do little good now. Perhaps that’s why I’m telling you.
I knew her mother well. She was good to me. She took me in when I had my trouble . when I lost my man and my little one. She put Ursule into my arms and she said: “Here is your baby now, Nou-Nou.” And then there was something to live for. She was my baby. My little love. And I stopped thinking so bitterly about my own sweet baby. Her mother was a sick woman. She was like Ursule . listless . never wanting to do much, turning away from her food, and then me pains started.
They flared up. She suffered terribly. She was mad with pain, and then she took her own life because she could not endure it any more. It was going to happen to Ursule. She was so like her mother. I knew, didn’t I? Who could know better? She had the pains . only mildly as her mother had had them at first and I had the doctors to her. They said she was suffering from that which had killed her mother. I knew what it was going to be like. “
She had my attention now. I was staring at her in amazed horror.
“Yes,” said Nou-Nou, ‘she would have suffered if she had lived. And she would never have taken her own life. She had strong feelings against that. She’d talked of them often.
“We’re here to fulfill a purpose, Nou-Nou,” she used to say.
“It’s no use giving up half-way.
If you do you’ll have to come back and do it all again. ” I couldn’t bear to think of her suffering … not my little Ursule. So I saw to it that she didn’t…”
“You, Nou-Nou. You killed her.”
To save her pain,” said Nou-Nou simply. There! I’m a murderess, you’re thinking. You’re thinking that they should take me and hang me on a lantern or send me to the guillotine.”
“I know you did it for love,” I said.
“Yes, I did it for love. My life is empty now she has gone. But I know this: she is suffering no pain where she is now. That’s how I console myself.”
“But you let it be thought…”
Sly lights came into her eyes. That he had killed her. Yes, I did. He had killed her . a thousand times in his thoughts. He wanted her out of the way, but he didn’t kill her. I, who longed to have her with me forever, did that. “
She covered her face with her hands and began to cry.
“My little one. She looked so peaceful lying there. She would just slip away, I knew. No pain … never again. All her fears of him were over. She is happy now, my baby. She is with that other baby … my two darlings together.”
“Oh, Nou-Nou,” I said, and tried to put an arm about her.
She threw me off.
“You’ll never have him now,” she said malevolently.
“It’s all over.”
Then she rose and glided towards the door. She stopped there and looked back at me.
“You should go home,” she said.
“Forget this happened … if you can.” She took a step back into the room and fixed her wild eyes on me.
“You are in danger too. They let you go tonight, but you are one of them, remember.” Her lips twisted into a grim smile. The cousin . the same family. Now you will see what it means to belong to such a family. They were after the big fish tonight. But all fishes are sweet, as is the blood of aristocrats to them. They want to see it flow . the sons’, the daughters’, the nieces’, the nephews’, the cousins . “
“Nou-Nou,” I began, but she had turned away and as she went she muttered: They will come, I tell you. They will come for you. “
Then she went out and left me.
I felt stunned by her revelation. I had misjudged him, and I might never have a chance to ask his pardon.
What was happening to him now? Desperately I tried to curb my imagination. I could not shut out of my mind the memory of those distorted faces, crazy with blood lust, determined on revenge.
They had taken him. Nou-Nou’s voice kept echoing in my ears: They will come for you. “
I sat at the window waiting for the morning. What I should do then I did not know. Where had they taken him? What had happened to him?
Perhaps already . I would not allow myself to believe that. I found myself making bargains with God.