“I hate myself! Don’t you get it? All I do is hurt you … from the first moment I touched you, I’ve done nothing but hurt you.” The defeat shows on his face, and his voice is harsh and loud.
I’m incredulous. He’s lost his damn mind! “That’s not true!” My incredulity is obvious in my shocked voice.
I’m shaking my head in protest at his words, but he’s not done trying to convince me of his worthlessness. “And if everything else that I put you through wasn’t enough, I gave you to another man.” His self-hatred is so obvious on his beautiful features.
“But that was my choice. I signed up for this knowing full well what was expected of me. You can’t hate yourself for that.” I’m still incredulous.
“The hell I can’t.” He looks so defeated and pained.
“But Derek, that doesn’t make any sense—”
And then he starts yelling, and my body freezes at his outburst. “I was in love with you! And I sold your body to another man to fuck. How the fuck should I feel about that? That I was doing my job? I loved you, and I still did it!”
His face crumbles as his eyes water and tear, and my heart lurches at his pain. As his tears spill silently while his brow furrows in pain, I approach him quickly and reach for his face. The man who mastered the art of impassivity is as vulnerable as any other person in the world, and his vulnerability is me. His tears come silently as I watch him. I’m in pain just seeing his pain, and I want to end it for him.
“I forgive you.” They’re the only words I can give him, and I pray desperately they’re enough. I repeat those words over and over and over, pleadingly, until he finally let’s his eyes meet mine.
When he eventually wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his body, my heart lets go of the terror that has seized me since arriving, and my entire body relaxes into his. I’m standing on my tiptoes, and he’s leaning his head down to my neck. After many minutes of this embrace, I start to relax and think that perhaps there’s a chance.
He’s not pushing me away anymore, and in my desire to remind him of his humanity, I quietly speak in his ear. “You’ve done far more for me than you give yourself credit for.” My voice is hardly more than a whisper, but he hears me well, and he pulls his head from my neck and starts to interrupt immediately. But before he can get a word out, I tell him to shut up, with a gentle smile pulling at the corners of my mouth for the first time since arriving.
He quietly watches me, waiting for me to speak again. “You’ve looked after me, worried about me, been gentle with me, taken care of me, you’ve allowed every last one of your barriers to crumble because of me… And if that weren’t enough, you paid a small fortune to protect me. You couldn’t have done more unless you’d rescued me from a sinking ship … which figuratively you kind of did.” I’m smiling gently at him. This man is torturing himself for what he thinks he’s done to me. The man who, until a month ago, ruled my world is now despising himself out of guilt.
“How can you possibly forgive me?” He’s holding my eyes steadily. He’s not pitying himself; he’s not humoring me. He wants to know. He needs to know.
“For whatever you think you’ve done wrong, you have my forgiveness. I promise you. But you can’t do this to yourself, or you destroy us, and you mean too much to me.” His eyes are relaxing with every word I speak. I’m reaching him. So I push my luck. “Besides, you have the rest of your life to make it up to me. And I’m sure you can come up with a few interesting ways to appease me…”
I smirk as his tongue unconsciously runs over his bottom lip before he bites it gently in contemplation. And he smiles; it’s weary, it’s tired and defeated, but it’s gentle and genuine. It’s the smile that tells me I’ve won. I’m eyeing his mouth greedily. With his relaxing body, I’m finally able to think about something other than my fear of losing him, and I’m thinking about his mouth. I’m thinking about our heat.
His eyes are smoldering, and my heart is finally racing for the right reasons. He leans toward my mouth, but stops short of breaking contact with my eyes. And he says it. “I love you.” When his lips touch mine, my body melts in pleasure, but as he pulls his lips from mine, he looks with wonder to my upturned face. “How did I become so obsessed with you?”
“My plan from the start…” I try for seductive, but I’m sure it’s a fail.
He mocks me with my own words from the last time we were here together. “And here I thought you hated me…”
I return the mock. “I never hated you.”
He smiles gently and returns his mouth to mine. My knees are shaking, and warmth is flooding to my core. But before my knees give out completely, he lifts me to straddle his hips. I’m firm against his groin, and he’s hard in desire. He carries me down the hallway to his master bedroom and lays me gently on the bed, covering my body with his.
He slowly and meticulously starts to wriggle my jeans over my hips and down my legs, and my pussy soaks instantly in anticipation of his touch. I’ve missed this. As my underwear is equally slowly pulled from my hips, and my sex exposed to him for the first time in a month, his eyes darken and burn with heat.
He leans toward my mouth one more time, giving me a short kiss before whispering quietly in my ear, “I will never share you with anyone again; I promise.”
He lowers his mouth between my legs as he watches my eyes. When his tongue slides slowly and lightly between the cleft of my sex, I gasp loudly. The warmth of his breath with the tickle of his tongue lightly passing over my skin is enough to send an uncontrollable shudder through my body. I want him to devour me, but he’s in the mood to torture me. As he continues to lightly and playfully run his tongue over my slick folds of skin, my arousal builds to an almost painful level. And before long, I’m begging.
With one more smirk to my desperate, pleading eyes, he latches himself to my body harshly, and he does devour me. He pulls my clit within his mouth, and he tortures the tight nub with his tongue. When he separates from my body, it is only so he can lick every exposed inch of my skin, soothing me with the warmth of his tongue. But I need to come desperately, and when his tongue finds my nub again, it is mere seconds before my body explodes and I do. My orgasm has me convulsing and tightening every muscle in my body, and when it finally fades, I’m gasping for breath.
As I lie panting, barely able to move, he moves up my body and swiftly plunges to his hilt within my tight sheath. It’s been over a month since I’ve made love to him, and my body feels as tight as the first time he took me. I’m in pain, but my body adjusts quickly in my contentment. I’m finally complete and filled with him. He moves slowly at first, seeing the pain in my eyes, but as I adjust, his thrusts quicken. Before long, he’s driving powerfully into my body, expecting me to accept all of him. It is furiously fast and intense, and he comes quickly and harshly, panting against my neck as his orgasm fades from his body. But he doesn’t pull from my body. Instead, he stays within me.
He’s watching me. His finger is winding through my stray curls, and he watches as they spring back to shape as he lets go. His finger moves to my face, tracing over my cheek, gently caressing the skin. It trails down to my chin before tracing my lips. He’s watching so closely, studying his touch and my skin. When his finger moves to run down the bridge of my nose to the tip, he finishes as he leans his mouth to kiss the tip of my nose. It is a gentle tickle as he connects to my skin. I stay still as he continues to watch me and touch me. His slow, deep breathing is hypnotic, and I’m in heaven.