‘It’s the way it is, Serrah. He’d be tainted by me.’
‘Look, Tan, I know some mothers feel down in the dumps after they give birth, but it passes. There’s no way your boy’s going to be tainted by you or anything else except loved.’
Tanalvah laughed. There was absolutely nothing joyful or amused about it. It was weak and cynical and despairing. ‘You wouldn’t make excuses if you knew what I-’
‘And what is it we should know?’ Serrah was fatigued enough to be feeling irritable, and starting to show it, despite her sympathy. ‘You keep hinting, Tan, but you’re not telling us. What is it that’s so terrible? Please, tell us, and let us be the judge of how awful you think you are.’
‘It’s about the great betrayal.’ She spoke low, almost in a whisper.
‘Did something happen to you at that time, darling?’ Kinsel asked kindly. ‘Something bad?’
‘You could say that.’ Her eyes moved to Serrah. ‘You vowed to kill the traitor, didn’t you?’
‘Damn right I did.’
‘Well…go ahead.’
‘You’re not making sense, Tan.’
‘You can honour your vow, Serrah.’
‘Karr told me somebody called Mijar Kayne was suspected,’ Kinsel offered.
‘A Righteous Blade man. He’s supposed to be dead.’
‘But if you know better, Tan,’ Serrah put in, ‘if you’ve seen him alive somewhere or-’
‘Listen to me,’ Tanalvah demanded, ‘both of you. I’m the traitor.’
There was a moment of silence, then Kinsel responded, ‘That’s in poor taste for a joke, my dear.’
‘It was me,’ she repeated.
Serrah and Kinsel exchanged concerned glances.
‘Why would you do such a thing?’ he said.
‘For you, my love, and for the children. For all of us as a family. I thought I’d be saving life, not taking it.’ She broke into a coughing fit. Kinsel held a mug of water for her to drink from, his hand at her nape. The drink seemed to help.
‘How did you do it?’ Serrah wanted to know.
‘I went to the clans. Eventually I got to see Devlor Bastorran. I gave him a little information, to let him know I had the connections. He didn’t take much convincing.’
‘What did you expect to get in return?’
‘Kinsel. I wanted him back from that terrible galley. Bastorran said he could do it. And he told me nobody would come to harm if I told him things about the Resistance, so I did. But he lied.’
‘How could you expect him to do anything else?’
‘Just a minute, Serrah,’ Kinsel interrupted. ‘You’re not taking this seriously, are you?’
She didn’t reply. Her instinct was to say, No, it’s insane. Tan would never dream of doing such a thing. However, she was starting to think the unthinkable.
‘Come on,’ Kinsel pleaded, ‘this is hysteria or something.’
‘It was a terrible, terrible mistake,’ Tanalvah said, ‘and I’ll burn in hell for it.’ There was the shadow of enormous weariness on her face.
‘You’re asking us to believe something incredible about you,’ Serrah remarked.
‘Wouldn’t it be even more incredible if I made up something like this?’
For Serrah, that was close to being the clincher, but there was another possibility. ‘You’ve been sick, and under a lot of pressure. How do we know it isn’t your illness talking?’
‘Because this is a deathbed confession, Serrah.’
‘Nonsense,’ Kinsel mocked, not entirely convincingly. ‘Isn’t it, Serrah? It’s rubbish. You’re just run down.’
On a hunch, Serrah reached out to the sheet covering the bed. Tanalvah didn’t try to stop her. Their eyes locked, and Serrah saw something of the old Tan there. Serrah pulled back the sheet.
‘My gods, no,’ Kinsel gasped. He involuntarily looked away.
The bed was soaked through with blood, as was Tanalvah’s nightgown. Serrah looked on in horror. She didn’t know where to start, what to do.
‘Now do you believe me?’ Tanalvah said, her voice barely above a whisper.
‘You didn’t say. If you’d told us you were losing blood again we might have been able to help you. Gods, Tan, we were standing here talking to you, and all the while…’
‘I’m beyond help in this world.’ The strength was going out of her.
‘We have to get a healer,’ Kinsel said.
‘Kinsel…’
‘Don’t look at me like that, Serrah. What do you know about it? You’re not a doctor.’
‘No, but I’m a fighter. I’ve seen blood loss before.’
‘We can’t just-’
‘Kinsel,’ Tanalvah whispered.
Kneeling, he grasped her hand and pressed it to his lips. ‘My love.’
‘I’m so sorry, dear.’
‘As far as we’re concerned, you’ve nothing to be sorry for.’
‘You are the most wonderful man a woman could have. I treasure every moment we spent together. Take my love to Lirrin and little Teg. Don’t let them all grow up hating me.’
‘That I can promise you.’
‘Forgive me, Kin.’
‘I forgive you. I forgive you and I love you. I love you…so much.’ The tears flowed freely now.
Tanalvah’s eyes seemed to be unfocused, as though she gazed at a scene they couldn’t see. But in an undertone she distinctly said, ‘Forgive me, Serrah. Forgive me, if only for being a fool.’
Serrah didn’t move or speak. Kinsel looked up at her.
‘Her time’s short,’ he said, as though imploring.
‘I know,’ she whispered.
‘Do this one last thing for her, Serrah. Please.’
‘You’re telling me that my friend, your woman, was responsible for untold deaths of people we knew, but that I should forgive her?’
‘Try to imagine how I feel. She did it for me.’ He almost couldn’t go on. ‘The suffering can’t be undone. But how does making her death even more miserable put right any of the wrongs?’ Big teardrops were running down his cheeks. ‘We have little enough power in this world. The one thing we have in our command is forgiveness.’
‘It’s so hard. I’ve lived in hatred of the traitor. I swore they’d die if it was up to me. But to find out it was…’ She gave way to sobbing herself, hands to her face.
‘I know. But I’ll say it again: we’ve only one gift to give her that means anything.’
Serrah nodded, sniffing. She moved to kneel by the bed, alongside him. ‘Tan? Tan?’
Her eyes had been closed. Now they fluttered open. She recognised Serrah, and smiled. ‘Don’t cry. There have been enough tears shed on my account.’ With some trepidation, she asked, ‘Do I have your forgiveness?’
‘I can’t give you absolution. That’s for a higher authority. But, yes, I…I forgive you.’
Tanalvah looked to Kinsel, her smile broader. Neither of them spoke.
The light started to leave her eyes. He leaned forward and kissed her. And when he lifted his lips from hers, she was dead.
Kinsel and Serrah stayed where they were for what seemed like a long time. Until the new baby cried and roused them.
Grief had subsided to some kind of numbness, and Serrah did her best to get things organised for Kinsel. He was crushed, and for a moment she had the irrational fear that he might decide to join his lover in death. But it took no more than a reminder of the children to stiffen his resolve.
Serrah thought how tough it had been on Teg and Lirrin. To lose their natural mother was bad enough. To go on and lose their adoptive one was indescribably awful. For the second time in their young lives they were going to be told something that would break their hearts. She didn’t envy Kinsel’s task.
She comforted him a little by telling him that at least they had a kind, decent, loving father. But they both chose to ignore the fact that even this could be in doubt once the empires’ armies took the island.
Serrah found him and the children new quarters deeper in the redoubt. The rooms weren’t as big as the ones they were leaving, but the set-up was more communal, and there would be people about to help and distract. It was considerably safer, too. She made sure Lirrin and Teg would be waiting, and she accompanied Kinsel there. He carried a couple of bags of possessions, she held the baby. She left him with the children clustering around the good news of the newborn, preparatory to the bad.