“Sit in there, Billy,” she says. “You’ll drive the car for me fine. I have to get out and about one way or another after all this time in mourning and widow’s weeds. Nobody will think anything about it. You’re an old friend of the family, Billy …” Keep ahold of yourself there, Master. Can’t you see that everyone is listening. I never thought you were that kind of a man! …
To cut a long story short, Master, the place was deserted apart from the two of us. If you were ever down around Cala Ross that time of the day, Master, you’d know that there are very few places as beautiful. The lights were glimmering on the headlands and on the darkling pastures on the other side of the bay. I really felt it, Master … Ah, for God’s sake, Master, have some sense of decency! …
… To cut a long story short, Master, she swore to me that her love was deeper than the ocean … Just hold your horses, Master! Calm down! Come on, Master, I was convinced you weren’t like that …
“God be with four years ago!” she said. “The Master and I were here in this same spot looking out at the lights, up at the stars and down at the will o’ the wisp shimmering on the seaweed …” Looks like, Master, that you’re going to get a bad name! But hang on now! Easy! … “The poor Old Master,” I said. “The poor Old Master,” she says, “it was a great pity. But he was too good for …” … Master, Master my good friend, why won’t you just listen to the story! …
“He whom the gods love, Billy,” she says, “dies young. Do you know what, Billy, he was really very fond of you …” What could I do, Master? …
— Come on now, Master! Guzzeye Martin spotted you …
— No doubt about it, Master, you were having it off with her …
— … But what would you do yourself, tell me Master, if you were as I was down there at Cala Ross looking out at the lights, mooning at the stars and wondering at the will o’ the wisps shimmering on the seaweed? … Come on, cool down a bit, Master! … To cut a long story short, Master … Ah, come on Master, you’re a neighbour … Don’t lose the bop entirely, Master … Why are you taking your bad mood out on me? I don’t deserve this …
But to cut a long story short, Master, she got three doctors from Dublin to examine me … What do you mean, you never met the likes of me since you were born! Why are you taking it out on me, Master? Anybody who knew you when you were six feet above would never believe you were anything like this …
“What happened to the Old Master won’t happen to you,” she said, “or it’s too bad for me” … God be good to you, and take it easy Master. You’ll disgrace yourself. You’re a schoolmaster after all …
… To cut a long story short, Master, I had a vicious pain in my side and in my kidneys. I got a little bit better in the afternoon. The lift before dying. She sat on the side of the bed and took my hand … God help us, she said! Do you see the state he’s in? … I couldn’t do anything about her, could I?
— To cut a long story short, Master: “If it happens that you don’t come out of this, Billy,” she said, “my life wouldn’t be worth living without you …” Ah, come on, Master, don’t be so nasty … If she marries yet again, can I do anything about it? … Have a bit of cop on, Master! …
… To cut a long story short, Master, I was just on the edge of eternity, when she screamed into my ear: “I’ll bury you properly, Billy,” she shouted, “no matter how long I live after you …” Back off, Master, take it easy! Give me a break for God’s sake, Master! … But I think my peace is gone, actually … If she had only thought to bury me in any other place in the graveyard except right next to this nutjob. But I suppose she couldn’t help it, the poor thing. She didn’t really know what she was doing … Come on, patience Master, get ahold of yourself! …
— Bloody tear and ’ounds anyway, isn’t that what Blotchy Brian said when Billy was struck down: “That little wanker isn’t too far from the graveyard,” he said. “By dad, he’ll be lucky if he’s buried at all. If he died in Dublin he’d be dumped in a bin. But she’ll slash him in one big scoop on top of the Old Master in the same hole. Then the two of them will gouge one another like two dogs whose tails are tied together … ’
— … God help us all, and fuck you too! … Blotchy Brian was right this time … Two dogs whose tails are tied together … Do you know, this time he was right! … Our tails were tied together, Billy …
— You got it right this time, Master …
— We were bucklepping around, wagging our tails you might say and just lounging there when we were seduced by the magic of the lights, the sparkle of the stars, the wonder of the will o’ the wisp and the pleasure of promises. Do you know what, Billy, we thought that will o’ the wisp was like unto the candle that is never extinguished …
— That’s so true there, Master …
— We believed at that moment that the heavenly stars would be our wedding present; that we would sup of the harvest home wine wherein no dregs lie …
— Oh my, how romantic! …
— Ah come on, Billy my pal, it was only all the kind of mushy mush that our egos inflict us with. We were caught in a trap. Our flighty tails were nailed and tied down. She was only, my good pal Billy, but a bushwhacking brasser of a woman who knew how to play the game. “One day I’m in Rathlin, and the next in the Isle of Man …”
— It’s “One day in Islay, and the next beyond in Kintyre,” my good Master, my good neighbour …
— You’ve got it in one, Billy my boy. That woman isn’t worth the steam of your piss or even a hard word or a moment’s worry. Billy boy, she got two stupid dogs who let her trap them and tie up their tails …
— Never spoke a truer word, ya Master ya …
— Listen Billy, my good man, we are obliged from now on not to put any strain on our tails, but just to be pleasant and neighbourly to one another …
— Well said, Master! Now you’re talking, chalk it down. Peace and quiet, Master. That’s the best possible thing here six feet under, Master: Peace and quiet. If I thought even for a minute that I’d be lying here next to you, I’d have never married her …
— It doesn’t matter a dog’s dinner what anybody does! She is the way she is, but you made a right proper hames of it anyway, you tramp, you thief, you tinker! You should have been pitched into the gas chamber, you fart face, you pig’s puke, you …
— Ah come on, Master, zip your lip for a minute, easy up now, easy! …
4.
— If I’d lived a bit longer …
— It was a blessed relief …
— If I’d lived a bit longer …
— It was a blessed relief …
— I’d be getting the pension by St. Patrick’s Day …
— Another few months and I’d have been in the new house …
— God save all here! If I had lived just a little bit more, maybe they would have brought my heap of bones beyond the Fancy City …
— … I was to be married in a fortnight. But you stabbed me right through the walls of my liver, you nasty murdering bastard. If I had survived for just another bit, I wouldn’t have left a Dog Ear within a sight of us …
— I’d have got the Old Wood’s land from my brother. Mannix the Counsellor told me as much …
— I never thought I’d die until I got the satisfaction from the seaweed that Tim Top of the Road stole …