— Oro, I hope the devil fucks him! If I had lived even another short while, I’d have hightailed it into Mannix the Counsellor, and made a proper will. And then I’d have dumped out on his arse the eldest boy, and would have got a woman for the other youngfella, Tom. Then I’d have served a summons on the boozer Crossan and his drove of donkeys, and if the court didn’t fix it up for me, I’d have driven nails through their hooves. Then I’d have gone into hiding during the night just to catch the Top of the Road shower trying to steal my turf, and then I’d hammer them with the bitch of a summons … And if the court didn’t solve it to my satisfaction, I’d get a few sticks of dynamite from the boss himself. And then …
— Then I’d sue Peter the Publican’s daughter …
— Bloody tear and ’ounds, I’d get a lift the likes of which I never got before in Nell Paudeen’s car …
— I’d see “The Sun Set” published …
— If I had lived just another bit, I’d have rubbed — what’s that you called it, Master? … that’s it, right, I’d have rubbed methylated spirits on myself …
— By the oak of this coffin, I’d have pursued Caitriona Paudeen about that pound she owed me …
— God wouldn’t forgive us, Kitty …
— I’d have made a love letter of my body covered with tattoos of Hitler …
— The Postmistress said the other day that the Irish Folklore Commission and the Director of Official Statistics asked her to give them the complete lists of the number of xxs that were on every letter. The Master averaged about fifteen, and Caitriona always appended about seven normally to Blotchy Brian: one for his beard, another for his hips, another …
— … Easy! Easy! Come on my good Master!
— … Don’t believe him Jack …
— I’d have gone to England just to earn money and to hang out with the lads from Kin Teer … My spies tell me there are hundreds of them in London … some of them wearing fancy jackets … and poncy monocles …
— I’d have travelled the world: Marseilles, Port Said, Singapore, Batavia. Honest, I would …
— Qu’il retournerait pour libérer la France …
— If I’d have lived another while, you wouldn’t have killed me, ya ugly witch ya, Joan. I’d have switched the ration cards …
— … I’d have gone to your funeral, Billy the Postman. It wouldn’t have been right for me not to go to a funeral …
— I’d have keened you, Billy, I’d have keened you softly and sweetly …
— I’d have laid you out, Billy, I’d have tended you as gently as a young girl would tend her first love letter …
— If I had lived any longer, I’d have insisted they put me in a different grave … Master, Master, come on, fix it up, forget about it!
… I know, but listen to me, Master! Two dogs whose tails are tied …
— Of course, and certainly I’d drink whole tons of porter …
— … We would have won the game. I had the nine, and it was my partner’s chance. Fuck the mine anyway, it exploded just at the wrong time! …
— I’d sue the murdering bastard because he poisoned me. “Here, drink two spoons of this stuff …”
— I would have too, even though I have no time for trying to argue with Mannix the Counsellor. Son of a gun, that’s not to say, like, that I wouldn’t sue him. He told me to start downing some whiskey. That’s what he said, no doubt about it. If I had stayed on the pints I’d have been alright. I never had a pain or a sickness, nor nothing …
— If I had lived, I’m sure I would have cracked the crossword. And, of course, I’d have got a huge scoop of insurance money from Jack the Lad’s place. I’d have put “God be with the days of the simplified spelling” as a nom de plume on the first ticket in the sweepstake …
— … “Say ‘cheese’ now, nurses,” I’d have called it! …
—“Cala Rossa,” Billy would have called it …
— I’d have gone to the pictures again. I swear to God I’d have given anything even to see that woman in the fur coat once more. It was just exactly like the coat that Baba Paudeen had until the soot came tumbling down in Caitriona’s place …
— That’s a lie, ya scrubber!
— Back off from me, Caitriona. I just want peace and quiet. I don’t deserve you bitchiness …
— … If I had lived another while! If I had lived another while, for jay’s sake! What would I have done? What would I have done, that is the question. A wise man might be able to deal with that …
— If I got as far as the election, I’d have given the lie to Corsgrave and his crowd. I’d have said to him that they were only sent over as plenipotentiaries, or messenger boys, and that they went way beyond their remit …
— I lived though, thanks be to God, I lived long enough to say to de Valera that they were sent over with full powers. I told him that to his face. To his face. I told him straight up to his …
— You’re a liar. You never said nothing like that! …
— I remember it well. I twisted my ankle …
— If you lived for another bit, you’d have seen the young ones from Bally Donough sucking and smoking pipes. They started that since the fags got scarce. Some people say that dock leaves and nettles are just brilliant in a clay pipe …
— If you lived as long as Methuselah and the Hag of Beare, you’d never have seen the end of the fleas being fucked off the hillocks of your own place …
— If the Postmistress had lived another while …
— She had no need to. Her daughter picked up where she left off …
— If I’d lived for another while …
— Why would you live anyway? …
— I’d have seen you buried, that much …
— If Fireside Tom had lived? …
— He’d have moved on …
— He’d have gone on the sauce again …
— He’d have kicked Patrick Caitriona’s cattle off his own patch of land …
— Nell’s cows, careful now!
— If Caitriona had lived …
— And buried that bitch before her …
— If I had lived, I would have dispensed spiritual assistance. Even if I had lived just another week I would have been able to tell Caitriona precisely what she needed to know …
— Hey, Colm More’s daughter, didn’t you used to be in at the Rosary just to eavesdrop and find out were all the neighbours saying their own Rosaries …
— I’d have gone to Croke Park to see Cannon …
— Billy the Postman saw your ghost after the final and there you were sobbing and sniffling and whining and whimpering …
— I’d have finished the pen and the colt would not have died …
— Didn’t everyone in the place see your ghost! …
— … I don’t believe, Redser Tom, that there’s any such thing as a ghost …
— Some people say there is. Other people say there isn’t. You’d want to be very wise …
— But, of course, there are ghosts. God forbid that I’d tell a lie about anyone, but I saw Curran driving the Guzzler’s donkey and Tim Top of the Road’s cows out of his corn, and he was dead a whole year! …
— Wasn’t the first thing that happened to Billy the Postman, wasn’t it that he saw the Old Master the day after he was buried rummaging around in the cupboard of his own kitchen? …
— … Easy up now, Master! … Oh, come on, take it easy, take it easy! … I never shaved myself with your razor. Go away with yourself now, Master, and just listen up a minute. Two dogs …
— Tim Top of the Road was seen …
— By the hokey, as you’d say yourself …