Darby flinched. “I assure you I won’t be ruined. This isn’t Defiance, and I’m not an innocent girl anymore.”
“What on earth does that mean?”
“Nothing, not that.” Well, not exactly that. “The idea of going to Katharine Gibbs was your dream, not mine. I’m not suited to it.”
“So you’ll work as a waitress instead? Very nice. Your father would be thrilled.” Mother pressed one delicate hand to each temple and heaved a dramatic sigh.
“What about publishing?” Darby offered. “That’s a respectable career for a girl like me.”
“Oh, please. You don’t have what it takes.”
Maybe Mother was right. Darby had never held a real job. What did she know about supporting herself?
Mother’s eyes grew watery and she searched in her purse for a handkerchief. “When your father died, I thought we might end up begging for help. He left me nothing but his insurance policy, with the instructions that it all go to you.” As she dabbed at her tears, her mascara smudged in the half-moons underneath her eyes. Darby took the handkerchief out of her hand and gently wiped the makeup away, knowing Mother would be horrified to be seen in public looking messy. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry, Mother. I really am. I’ve disappointed you.”
“I suppose I’m partially responsible. I’ve kept you safe, maybe too much so. But you aren’t equipped to go it on your own, not yet. That’s why I did everything I could to make this work for you. Tuition, new clothes, a train ticket, a room at the best women’s residence in town. A girl like you needs protection from the real world.”
“I know you meant well, and I tried to do the right thing, I swear. But in the end, the life you wanted for me seemed more stifling than safe.”
“You have no idea what stifling feels like.” Mother’s words were acid. “And now every penny gone. What a waste. I never imagined you’d associate with the staff. A maid, for God’s sake.”
“I will pay you back.”
“All I wanted was for you to be independent. To be your own woman. But not like this. Mr. Saunders will be very unhappy, I assure you.”
“But don’t you see, we want the same thing. I also want to be able to be independent, to take care of myself. Being a secretary isn’t the only way to go about that. Upstairs, there are hundreds of girls, approaching the world in different ways. Your way isn’t the only one.”
“I don’t care what the other girls are doing. I won’t have my daughter working as a cocktail waitress.”
Neither of them had touched the food. Mother called for the waiter and left several crisp bills on the table, her hands shaking. “Now we will go upstairs and you will pack, and we’ll catch the next train home. You are done with New York City.”
“What on earth is this?”
Darby’s mother pulled out the satin dress Esme had given Darby from the small closet in her room.
“Something I picked up in the store.” Darby stifled the impulse to grab it out of her hands, to protect it.
Mother pinched the fabric between her finger and thumb. “Cheap. And shiny. Did you ever wear this out?”
“Just once.”
“Well, we’ll leave that one behind.” She tossed it on the floor. “Help me, please. Pick up the suitcase and open it up on the bed.”
Darby’s heart pounded in her chest, but she did as she was told. Her life had been about following orders, whether they were from Mother or Mr. Saunders. She’d done well in school, obeyed the rules, never asked uncomfortable questions.
“Daddy would have listened to me.” She spoke the words quietly, almost under her breath.
Mother’s back stiffened, but she didn’t stop her methodical sorting. “Don’t you dare bring up your father. Not now.”
Darby’s voice grew stronger. “If he’d lived, he would’ve at least considered my side of the argument.”
“You have no idea what your father would have done under the circumstances. He was not the man you think he was.”
“All I know is he was sweet to me, he tried to be sweet to you, and you constantly put him down or yelled at him. Even on his deathbed you couldn’t be bothered to comfort him. Nothing he could have done deserved that treatment.”
Her mother turned to her, her fingers twitching. Darby knew that movement. She’d seen it in Mr. Saunders before he’d pounded his fist on the table or slapped her mother across the face.
“You think you know what goes on in a marriage? You are a child, a little girl with a big mouth. If Mr. Saunders were here, he’d put you right in your place.”
The threat of violence was the final straw. She would no longer back down to the likes of Candy, Mr. Saunders, or even her own mother. “You’ve insinuated horrible things about Daddy since he died. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.”
“You already know. He got fired. And that meant that when he died, the only thing we had was the insurance money. No pension, no savings. Nothing. Which I misguidedly spent on your education. Which you then wasted.”
Darby couldn’t help herself. She was picking at a dangerous scab, one she’d always left alone before now. “Why did you have a private funeral?”
“It was what he wanted.”
“Or was it so that you and Mr. Saunders could get married right away, without too much talk?” Her body shook as if she were freezing cold. She had never spoken to Mother like this in her life.
Mother stood motionless. “How dare you?”
“You wanted to bury Daddy quickly and with the least amount of fuss so you could move on to Mr. Saunders. You seemed relieved. Happy. How could you?”
To her astonishment, Mother nodded. “I was relieved. I was happy. I never wanted to see your father suffer, but he brought it on himself. Mr. Saunders said it was God’s will. If you must know, your father’s funeral was private because there was not a soul who would have attended a public memorial for him.” She placed her hands on her hips. “He was a degenerate, and word spreads quickly in a small town.”
Darby’s voice caught in her throat. “What are you talking about?”
“Even the doctor in town wanted nothing to do with him.” A tiny bit of spittle stayed on Mother’s lip. “I married Mr. Saunders quickly in order to restore our family’s good name. I sent you to New York in order to spare you the shame of having people whisper behind your back, saying terrible things. Mr. Saunders protected me, protected us.”
“But what were they saying?”
Mother ignored the question. “I thought you’d start a new life here at the Gibbs school, that you’d be able to move beyond the hideousness of your father’s behavior. And what did you do? You’ve disgraced yourself, and me, even further. It’s a good thing I came to fetch you. I see now that you were on the verge of ending up in the gutter. Just like him.”
“But you still haven’t even said what he did. What did Daddy do that was so awful no one could ever forgive it?”
Mother took a deep breath, as if she were about to dive underwater. “He was found in a compromising position with another man in a hotel in Cleveland.”
Darby’s mind raced. The man who held her hand and encouraged her to be herself. All those trips away. Daddy was a degenerate. A hateful word. That explained Mr. Saunders’s smugness, the way the girls in high school had been so distant. Everyone knew about Daddy but her.
He liked to be with men. He liked to kiss other men. She didn’t want to imagine the things her father had done; she should never have pushed her mother so far. The shame of his behavior flooded over her.
Victory gleamed in her mother’s eyes. Darby looked down at the floor.
What about Esme’s kiss in the recording booth? Did that mean Darby was a degenerate as well?
The kiss with Esme had been soft and full of shared desires, but not in any way sordid. If her father had kissed men like that, was that so bad? He was still her father, the man who built an unsailable boat so he and his daughter could have an excuse to escape the emotional frigidity of the house.