“Well, well, well,” he said, astounded. “Things have obviously moved on since I saw you last. What wonderful news; when is the baby due?”
She laughed and patted her small, round belly, which was noticeable as she was otherwise so slim.
“Four months,” she said. “I’m past the first trimester.”
She laughed again, unashamedly happy.
“I’ve had amnio and the baby’s fine,” she told him. “I’m so lucky.”
Sejer thought about Tommy, who had not met Carmen’s expectations, with a heavy heart. He understood her anxiety and that she needed reassurance; of course he did. Many would have done the same, he admitted. Elise and I would have done the same, because that’s how people are. That’s life — everyone wants perfection, everyone wants a child without disabilities or deformities.
“And who is the lucky father?” he asked. He wanted to be friendly, because nothing was certain in terms of the hearing. And he had to accept the court’s ruling no matter what, and any doubt was very definitely in Carmen Zita’s favor. He knew all this, but still it bothered him, because sometimes the system failed.
“His name’s Anders,” Carmen said with a smile. “He’s not particularly happy about it. He says that it’s all a bit too fast; but, well, it’s happened. And anyway, it doesn’t matter if Anders is worried about it,” she said cheerily, “because I’m not. If there’s something I’m good at, it’s being a mom.”
Quite, Sejer said to himself. Then he thought about Anders, who wasn’t particularly happy about becoming a father. It wasn’t the best start in life for a new baby, but she didn’t care about that. She really was quite a force to be reckoned with, so full of hope and optimism. He’d seldom seen the like. And maybe the child would grow up and have a good life; it was absolutely a possibility. What do I know? he deliberated. I don’t hold the truth about people and life.
“Your case is coming up on the twenty-fourth,” he said in a kind voice. “How do you feel about it, Carmen? Are you dreading the final judgment?”
“No, what have I got to worry about?” she twittered like a lark. “I can only tell the truth, and the truth always wins in the end. Isn’t that what they say? And you know, sometimes it hurts, but that really is the only way. Friis is very optimistic. He says that everything will be fine, and I trust him. And being pregnant will help as well. The judge will have more sympathy for someone who’s going to be a mother. They can’t lock me up, because I have to look after the baby. Because no one else can take my place. It’s my job. And I won’t run away from my responsibility. I’m going to do this,” she said with determination and force. She tugged at her lovely dress and looked very pleased with herself. The Jack Russell sniffed around Sejer’s shoes. It was a short-haired brown, white, and black terrier: small, energetic, and neat.
Yes, Sejer thought, disheartened. The jury will believe your story, I’m sure. Carmen Zita from Granfoss was obviously not a hardened criminal. She was a young, whimsical girl he would never understand. It annoyed him intensely that the truth might always remain a secret. He patted the little dog on the head.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you in court then,” he said with a smile. “And no matter what you might think, Carmen, I wish you well.”
“Thank you,” she said. “That’s kind of you. We’re friends now, aren’t we? Tell Jacob Skarre I’ve forgiven him all the stress.”
“Yes, of course we’re friends,” he said. “You take good care of yourself and the baby. See you in court.”
Then she carried on across the big market square and disappeared between the stalls. With a growing baby in her belly, a dog dancing at her feet, and her head held high.
43
Twenty-second of June. Evening.
Dear diary,
You are my dearest and nearest confidant. I have so much on my mind today, it’s now or never. And I just have to say this once and for all. I’m no worse than anyone else. Do you understand what I’m saying? But I was put to an impossible test, and even though I’m strong, it was just too much. The thing is Tommy dragged me down into the mud, and suddenly I was just the girl up at Granfoss with a disabled son. You know how people talk, it’s unbearable. And it was definitely not what I’d planned for my life. What I’m writing now is really important, because it’s the truth, and my case is coming up in only two days. I have to face the fact that I might be convicted. I just hope I can get away with a fine! Because then Dad could pay it and everything would finally be over for good. The way things are now, I might be convicted of negligence and moving the body, because I moved him from the bathtub to the pond. The inspector explained it all to me, and it doesn’t sound good. I dreamed about death all through the long winter. He’s sticking to me like a shadow and disturbs my sleep. Sits on the rug beside the bed baring his teeth.
On August 10, I ran a full bath and poured in lots of bubble bath, so the bubbles were almost over the edge. Because Tommy loved soap bubbles and I so wanted to be good and kind. You have to believe me. Tommy was being so difficult that day. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well, what do I know? He was whining and complaining and didn’t want anything, didn’t want to be held or washed. He hit me with his little fists and tried to get me to go away. And I hate being rejected when I’m trying to be nice, I guess everyone does. I can only say I’m sorry, I really, really am. Because I just got so angry, you have to forgive me, dear diary. I am who I am, and children with Down syndrome are like that, they’re difficult and obstinate and insistent. If there’s something they don’t want to do, they’re impossible. I tried to force him, but he wouldn’t be forced. It was like banging my head against a brick wall. I was on my knees beside the bathtub, holding him up with my left arm and trying to wash him with my right. I did look after him since he was the boy I’d been given, but I had the most terrible thoughts, that I had a child who wasn’t normal, who had things wrong with him. I was sitting on the floor with a retard, and I didn’t deserve it. I mean, what had I done? I hadn’t broken any rules, I hadn’t done anything to deserve being so unlucky. They say that everyone is worth the same. But that’s not true, because there are idiots and they take up a lot of space and time. They’re a burden to the rest of us. Is there anyone who has a child with Down syndrome who can put their hand on their heart and say that they hadn’t hoped for something else? When they told me in the maternity ward, I wanted to scream. But I kept myself together for Dad’s sake, and for Nicolai, obviously. He was in shock as well, even though he never admitted it. But he did take it better than me, I’ll give him that, thanks to his cautious nature — in fact, he was almost a coward. His emotions never really came to the surface. He just moped around, and that’s not healthy. So we took our slow, listless baby home with us. We took him home with heavy hearts. We had no choice, he was what we got. And we couldn’t hand him back and say that we’d changed our minds. But oh, if only we could have done that! It would have been a joy, instead of all the sorrow and rage, bitterness and desperation. Family and friends came flocking to see the new baby, and I was so embarrassed, because they could see something was wrong. They could tell by his eyes that he wasn’t normal. There were no delighted exclamations and I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted to hide my face in shame because I was so embarrassed. And then they didn’t know what to say, and it was all so awkward. I balled my hands and ground my teeth. My cheeks burned with humiliation. I thought about all these things as I sat there by the bathtub, with my difficult, soapy, slippery child in my hands.