I laugh. Ain’t that the truth. “We’ve both been in a hopeless place ’fore. Like hopeless hopeless, where we thought the world could end and we mightn’t even care or notice. But we pulled through, didn’t we?”
“Is that the question?”
“No,” I say, thinking of Skye. “I’m just asking whether we got lucky. I was never the strongest person ’fore, but then I found something inside me I didn’t even know I had. And I got through it. You did too. Do you think everyone’s the same like that? The strong ones, the weak ones, the in-betweens. Or will some of ’em stay stuck down in that hole, seeking out revenge and death?” What I don’t ask is: Will Skye stay stuck down in that hole? If Lecter dies, will she be satisfied? Or will she be angry all the time, boiling from the inside out, like a ’zard egg in bubbling water?
Raja chews his orange-and-red flickering lip. “I s’pose it comes down to whether the person wants to climb outta that hole.”
His words hit me so hard I almost stop walking. ’Cause holy ’zard skins! He’s exactly right. I never realized it, but that’s the truth, ain’t it? After I’d thought Circ’d died, I loathed being so miserable all the time. I coulda stayed that way, coulda plunked down in that hole of despair and chewed on durt and earthworms and all kinds of nasty stuff, but I stood up, my legs skinny and shaky and barely holding up my body...
But still…
I was standing, and that makes all the difference.
“Raja, you’re searin’ smarter’n you look,” I say.
“Uh, thanks. Was that s’posed to be a compliment?” he says. “’Cause it was the worst one I ever heard.”
We both laugh at that, only stopping when we see it, dark and spindly and almost like the skinless bones of giant long-dead monsters, picked clean by carrion and sharp-toothed animals.
The empty cages of Confinement rise up against the dark sky.
Home, sweet home.
~~~
While Raja picks his way over to his old cage—he says he wants to see what it’s like to look in from the outside, rather’n t’other way ’round—I head along the backs of the wooden shells, remembering the first time my father sent me to this place. How Bart looked me up and down, made a rude comment. Everything came full circle when he tried to force himself on me and my mother killed the baggard.
Am I past Bart’s old cell already? Am I past mine? I’m squinting in the dark trying to see my own hand in front of my face. Raja’s torch is somewhere on an angle to the right. I’ve gotta be close.
“Oww!” I run smack into something thick and rough and spiny as all scorch.
No. It can’t be. Not again.
But it is. And it’s happened again.
I’ve run smack into Perry the Prickler.
Nice of you to pay me a visit, Siena, he says, looking more black’n his usual gray-green in the dark. But I wouldn’t recommend going straight for the hug next time.
“Siena!” Raja shouts. “You alright?”
“Fine. Just fine,” I mutter, feeling wet tears of blood in the dozen or so holes Perry opened up in my arms and stomach.
“Did you move since the last time I saw you?” I ask Perry. I coulda sworn he was more to the left, not so close to the cages.
Do you see any legs? he says.
“Shut up, Perry,” I say, for old times’ sake.
Do you see a mouth? he replies, ’cause his wit’s always been just a hair quicker’n mine.
“It’s night,” I say. “I can’t see a searin’ thing, but you’re talking enough for the both of us, ain’t you?”
I’m glad you’re here, Perry says unexpectedly. It gets awfully lonely out here in the desert.
“Don’t I know it,” I say. “But I’m glad to be here too.
Does that mean I get another hug?
I groan, my skin still stinging from the last one. “Hey, Perry?” I say.
Yeah.
“I saw this tall, skinny prickler with bright red flowers back a-ways. She asked ’bout you.”
You’re lying.
“No, really, she’d heard all ’bout you. How you’re so good at standing really still, not moving the slightest bit, even when the wind’s blowing something fierce.”
Now you’re just being silly.
“She was really impressed. Said she might stop by sometime.”
Hey, Siena. You gonna try any daring escapes while you’re here?
“Changing the subject won’t work, Perry. We’re talking ’bout you and the smokiest prickler I ever laid eyes on.”
“Siena, did you say somethin’?” Raja asks, peering through the bars of his old cage.”
“Naw,” I say. “What’re you doing in there?”
“Seeing what it’s like now that I don’t hafta stay in here.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“What’s it like?” I ask.
“Amazing,” he says.
“C’mon,” I say. “Let’s go get some sleep. We got a long day ahead of us.”
I turn to go, but over my shoulder I say, “Take care of yourself, Perry. If I survive this war I’ll pop by every now and again.”
I’d like that, Perry says. And Siena?
I turn back. “Yeah?”
Take care of yourself, too. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
“Sure,” I say, even though that pretty much eliminates doing anything ’cept standing and poking holes in clumsy people. I walk away from Perry for what might be the last time.
~~~
The sun goddess is shooting a hole through my head.
We’ve been walking for hours and it’s like the sun and the clouds are in league with the Glassies, dead set on stopping our march. The sun goddess seems bigger and more fiery’n ever ’fore, and the clouds, well, they’re scarcer’n a burrow mouse under the shadow of a vulture. It’s a ’spiracy, I tell you.
As per my promise to Veeva, I’m watching Grunt like a hawk, just waiting for him to keel over, to eat the sand with his dried lips. But he doesn’t, just keeps trudging on, back bent. Maybe he’s got more mettle’n I ever gave him credit for.
I tried to talk to Skye earlier, but she’s like a rock-person now, all sharp edges and stone-faced, determined to crush anything and everything in her path. I hafta believe she wants to get outta the hole of anger and sadness she’s digging. Like Raja said, she hasta want it. The only person she seems willing to talk to is Wilde, and though it hurts a little, I understand it, too. Wilde’s a hard one to ignore. Her calm presence comforts us all.
Wilde said a few words ’fore we departed this morning. She talked ’bout how we’re doing this for a lot of weaker people depending on us back in New Wildetown. How we hafta be strong for ’em. Right away I thought of Jade. Not that she’s weak, ’cause she ain’t, but ’cause she’s only barely old enough to be a Youngling, and ’cause her childhood’s been snatched away from her once and I won’t let it happen again. She deserves something good in her life. We all do.
Feve is doing what he does best: giving us courage. He roams ’round the edges of the group, watching for anyone lagging or tiring. When he spots someone, he says a few words to ’em and they buck up right quick. Having a steel-boned warrior like him by your side gives you confidence.
And Circ is Circ. My rock, my best friend. Other’n when my father threatened my life and forced him to fake his own death, Circ’s been there for me, as consistent and never-changing as a mountain.
I hold his hand as we walk, sometimes in silence, sometimes with me going on and on like a chatterbox. And he always laughs at my jokes, even the bad ones, not ’cause he’s just being nice, but ’cause he thinks they’re funny. We’re cut from the same mold, he and I, only his came out strong and graceful and beautiful, and mine came out, well, like me. Perfect in an imperfect kinda way.