But on the other hand (as I have noted) I was reeling from encountering the raw fact—proof—of God’s existence and effort exerted on world. I was inferring God by the perturbation he caused in world (as the AI voice pointed out). Now I have direct knowledge of God. World no longer now seems to me to be of any importance.
I just realized a common element I had missed that links the theophany of 3-74 to 11-17-80: in both cases my sense of evil, oppression and suffering was undermined drastically by an awareness of divine goodness, love, wisdom and power (cf. my Charles Platt interview: “removed as if by divine fiat”). There is a distinct continuity.
I have it. “Valis” studies reason invading the irrational and arbitrary—this is Valis invading. The rational (reason, logic, justice—i.e., Valis) is higher than the irrational (ananke); this is all a Greek view, Greek and Roman. This is as far as my revelation had reached in 2-3-74: the dialectical combat between the irrational and the rational (ananke and noös, which is how I specifically and correctly express the combat in VALIS). But there is even one higher level, above reason: agapē (which doesn’t show up in VALIS, i.e., in 2-3-74). Reason subdues the irrationaclass="underline" justice (Torah) subdues chaos! Order subdues chaos. But now—as of 11-17-80—I encounter something even higher: Jesus’ God, Abba, whose essence is love “that moves the sun and the other stars”; this—agapē—is the highest, not higher, principle; it is Christian love above Stoic reason. It is bliss, infinity and love, and transcendent; it leaves the world-order, epistemology and metaphysics and philosophy and science behind/below. This is not noös; it is above noös; it is like us (cf. 1 Jn). Greek culture didn’t give rise to this idea (it gave rise to the idea of logos or noös). Hebrew culture didn’t give rise to it (it—Hebrew culture—gave rise to the idea of Torah, the will or law of God, cf. Spinoza). Where did it come from, then, this equating God with agapē (v. Paul’s letters)? Why, it was revealed by Jesus; even Buddhism and Zoroastrianism lack it (note: the wise mind, not the loving Father). I see no precedent for this revelation by Jesus. We even today, 2,000 years later, have little understanding of this total, accepting loving-kindness, because of which God adopts us as his sons and heirs. I do deal with it at the end of Tears—but on 11-17-80 I experienced it. Words can’t describe it, whereas words can describe logic and reason and justice. And I have been adopted.
[87:37] One of my greatest realizations about him in 11-17-80 is that rather than just willing he also allows (in contrast to Spinoza: “His will is law”). Everything that exists he either wills or allows. The magnitude of the freedom expressed by this (“he allows”) was a totally new conceptual experience to me. God’s will was something I understood; in fact I had always viewed everything as due to his will. I had therefore no notion of human free will (in this I saw God and reality as Spinoza did). He allows independent being, which explains, perhaps, evil and disorder and that which is futile and wasteful, perverse and senseless. He shows infinite toleration due to his love and kindness; nonetheless this is not all; he also decrees (this is his will); a tension is created by his will and his permission, the result of which is an unfathomable mystery to a finite creature’s intelligence; but God knows that every creature will within this mysterious bimodular reality—God’s will and God’s permission—find his way voluntarily back to God, however long and “inefficient” the path. This is totally bountiful; the parameters are infinity itself.
[87:73] December 8, 1980
Thus there is absolutely no problem in reconciling 2-3-74 with 11-17-80. The first had to do with world and a “perturbation in the reality field”; the second had to do with a transcendent God who is a loving father, with personality, his essence love, capable of conferring infinite bliss; he is infinite along all axes. This is more than his will. But from a practical standpoint, in terms of world and human history, his will is everything; for instance, it saved my life vis-à-vis the Xerox missive.
Folder 88
[88:10] December 10, 1980
Notes to [>]. I did not start out seeing God—i.e., 2-3-74—and “this theophany led to my 6½ years of exegesis”—futile exegesis of 2-3-74 based on the delusion that I had seen God. What actually happened was that I saw world in a highly superior way, but still world: it had something to do with entropic time and my exhausting entropic time through/in/by the dialectic until a massive enantiodromia occurred; I “pulled world through infinity,” i.e., into negentropic time/morphological arrangement (Plato’s eidē). But I took this ultimate view of reality as a vision of God and so fell into a terrible trap both epistemologically (philosophically, metaphysically) and also theologically (spiritually); for example I supposed a pantheism à la Spinoza.
But my main point (made on [>]), which I intended to be the last page of the exegesis, is: I thought the sequence went:
(1) theophany (2-3-74), followed by:
(2) exegesis of that theophany (3-74 to 11-80)
But in fact this is correct:
(1) exegesis 3-74 to 11-80, followed by:
(2) theophany, 11-17-80(!)
In other words the—this—exegesis came before the theophany. The exegesis finally reached the conclusion that everything I had seen in 2-3-74 had to do with world (“a perturbation in the reality field”) except a glint of color in the weeds, of the alley and a ripple of wind—which was—even this was—not God but just the tracings/glyphs/footprint of God on reality. Thereupon, i.e., as a result of this realization (11-80) I then experienced a true theophany—and I construe what happened this way:
(1) The world is delusional (Maya).
(2) In my 10 volume meta-novel I saw this to be the case, saw world as a mere delusion, and I looked for reality—true reality—behind/beyond it.
(3)Therefore, obligingly, the arch deluder served me up a further delusion (2-3-74) much more complex and sophisticated, based on my own particular preconceptions (anticipations, suppositions) as to what “true reality” would be like if you could see it. This is why 2-3-74 was a playback of my own mind to me (which every now and then I suspected, but I kept thinking, “Well, it only goes to show how astute my intimations were”). 2-3-74 was—enchantment! Yes; it is so. However, this sudden transformation in world in 2-3-74 did show that world as we normally see it is indeed a delusion; it’s just that what replaced normal world was no more real, just more sophisticated and complex, and, to me, not just more convincing but totally convincing! I believed for over 6½ years that I had seen true reality, in contradistinction to the previous Maya; but (as I say) it was just a more cunning Maya. As I say in VALIS, the maze is alive and it changes.