The Fade

'Where is your loyalty, Orna?' he asks. 'You had that boy because I permitted it. He exists because of me. You should be proud to give him up for the Clan. Your husband died a glorious death on the battlefield. You should be-'

'He died a pointless death on the battlefield!' I cry. I hear Liss's sharp intake of breath and know I shouldn't have raised my voice, but it's too late now and I can't stop myself anyway. It comes bursting out of me on a river of rage. 'He was killed in a miserable failure of an operation and one of our own people sold us out! Why do you want to waste my son's life that way?'

'I will not be moved by the whims of a slave!' he roars, with a volume that makes me back away. He surges to his feet. 'Your son will fight for me, and die if necessary, because it is my decision! Don't you understand, you idiot creature? I don't care about your maternal instincts. He is my property, as are you, and you will do what I tell you. You will not be told where he is. You will recuperate for as long as is deemed necessary and then return to my service and be as good as, if not better, than you were before. If you are not, I will have your son executed! Do you understand?'

I understand, all right. It crashes in on me like a landslide. I understand that all my effort has been for nothing, that I could have stayed in prison and died there and it would have made absolutely no difference to anything. I understand that my son is beyond my reach, and nothing I can do will prevent him being sent into combat against an enemy who could well be forewarned and forearmed. I came back to this life of service when I could have stayed free in the world above, and it was all for Jai; but now my hopes are dashed simply because Ledo doesn't feel like cooperating.

I finally realise how flimsy my plans were. Nereith was right. I've been clinging to hope and refusing to listen to sense. It was the only thing I had to drive me through the grief at Rynn's death. But in the end, everything had been leaning against this moment, the moment when I asked my master for this favour. I'd known how capricious he could be, and I'd chosen to ignore it. But now he's said no.

I feel betrayed. Rancour swirls into my thoughts like a black mist. I've given my fucking life to this man, willingly. I've murdered for him, cheated on my lover for him, lied for him, tortured for him and been tortured. And as if that wasn't enough, I gave him my son. And he can't grant me this? This sensible, logical thing that I ask of him? The frustration, the fury is enough to choke me. I just want to kill him. A single clean strike, punch the cartilage of his nose like a spear into his brain. It would be so easy…

'Do you understand?' he demands of me.

I nod, keeping back tears of rage. Liss rushes over and holds me protectively, shielding me from his wrath.

'If not for the fondness my sisters have for you, I would have you killed for speaking to me this way. It is your fortune that there is no one else here to witness this, or you would already be dead.'

Silence. Ledo sits down. The anger has flowed out of him, and he is almost serene. I wait for him to dismiss me, but he doesn't.

'You have been listening to the babble of the troops,' he says quietly. 'I will offer you this. There was no traitor. Your husband died because of poor planning and bad intelligence. He was not betrayed. You were not betrayed.' He shifts in his seat, becoming suddenly restless. He's tired of this now. 'I suggest you take a short vacation, Orna. I know you have suffered. Use the time to think about what it means to be a Bondswoman. Return to me when you are ready to act like one again.'

I raise my head. The tears are gone, conquered before they could fall.

'Magnate,' I say quietly, looking into his eyes. 'Do you know a man called Belek Aspa?'

A barely perceptible instant of surprise, and then hatred flickers across his face. His gaze darkens.

'Take her away,' he tells Liss. 'Before I have her tongue ripped out.' I begin to shake uncontrollably in the carriage on the way to the club. Liss and Casta insisted that they take me out as their way of an apology for not swaying their brother enough. I didn't have the willpower left to refuse.

'Oh! She's shaking!' Liss says, because she's holding my hand. She becomes frantically solicitous, taking my temperature by laying her wrist against my forehead, looking into my averted eyes.

'Is she sick?' Casta asks.

'I don't know? Are you sick?' This addressed to me.

'You're not sick, are you?'

'I'm not sick,' I mutter, though I do suddenly feel queasy. But it's not sickness; it's the adrenaline comedown, the grief, the rage.

'It's our cruel brother, isn't it? He frightened you, didn't he?'

'Cruel,' Casta agrees.

'Oh, how I hate him! Don't listen to him. We'll protect you!'

I've never been so stupid in my life. I got out of control. I got riled, I got angry and frustrated, and I shouted at a man who could have me killed with a word. It's only now starting to sink in how close I was, how far I overstepped the line. I can't understand why he didn't do it. Maybe he was in an indulgent mood, or maybe he respected his sister's wishes too much, or maybe I'm of genuine value to him. The aristocracy are nothing if not unpredictable. But still… really, really fucking dumb.

I've burned my bridges with my outburst. He'll never go back on his decision now. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth. Abyss, I have to do something, but I have no idea what. I can barely concentrate through the haze of despair, anger, failure.

'You need a drink!' Liss prescribes, having run out of methods of diagnosis.

'Several, in fact,' Casta chimes in.

And right now that seems like the best idea in the world. Something to shut it out, something to make it go away. Something to keep me from tipping into this gaping hole that's opened inside me.

'Several,' I agree. Liss claps and even Casta looks pleased. It's like they've forgotten that I've just lost the only chance to save my son through any legal, honourable method. The only avenues left to me now are traitor's ways, going against my master's command, making my son a deserter. I can't think about them now. Those would be decisions I could never take back. The twins take me to the Black Circlet, the club in the Tangles where I first talked to Liss about her upcoming marriage. We get their usual table, by a window that looks out over a garden of coloured rocks and waterfalls. The third seg has just begun but the club is largely empty. Handmaidens drift about like ghosts, lovers quarrel while trying not to be overheard, middlemen plot on their masters' behalf in the dim light. Through the windows on the far side the sound of the traffic can be heard.

'This place is dying,' Casta comments.

'I don't even know why we come here any more. Nobody's here. We should find a new place.'

'That's what everyone else did,' Casta replies. 'That's why we kept coming here.'

'Well, I'm sick of being different! I want to be the same!'

A handmaiden appears and I order hard liquor: spikevine, straight up. The twins exchange a glance and then order the same.

I barely say a word until the handmaiden returns. Then I take the cup, down it and order another, putting the empty back on the tray.

'Careful!' Liss warns me.

'She's grieving,' says Casta. 'It's Ledo's fault.'

'Bring more,' says Liss to the handmaiden, then necks her own drink and begins to choke, clawing at her throat as the liquor burns down into her chest. Casta ignores the drama, leaning over the table to take my wrist in her hand.