Because she was.
I wanted her, but I didn’t deserve her.
And she didn’t deserve what any of us would put her through.
Josie was too pure for Clermont Bay. Just like Frankie, this fucking place would change her.
"Then you know I am nothing like him."
Josie jerked her arm from my grip and her skin slipped through my fingers. I saw her fingers grip the glass before I realized what she was doing.
The cold water hit my face before I could utter a word. It dripped down my hair and into my eyes, and all I could hear were the echoes of laughter around us.
"Don’t fucking touch me again." Then Josie disappeared through the doorway.
CHAPTER THREE
JOSIE
The days at this school felt like torture. I avoided Beck as much as I could, but even when he wasn’t around, I was reminded of him.
Of what he had done.
Every class there was someone whispering about me, every time I went to the bathroom.
The library had been my only respite.
I had been disappearing in here any chance I could.
I avoided Beck yesterday and today in class. I knew that I said I wouldn’t hide from him, but I couldn’t just sit there and pretend like nothing happened.
I stared out the windows I sat near and tapped my pencil against my textbook. I had no idea what I was doing. Not just with Beck. With all of it.
I had no idea what I was doing here.
My entire life felt like a giant question, and I didn’t know how to answer any of it.
I felt like I was spinning, and I had no idea which way was up.
I thought I had a clue before, but I was wrong. I had been wrong about everything. Now, I didn’t know where I stood. I didn’t know where I wanted to stand.
I didn’t want to be at school with Beck. I didn’t want to be home with my dad or Lucas.
Work felt like a savior most days, but even that couldn’t save me. Beck was there. He was everywhere.
I could see him from where I sat now. The baseball team was running sprints up and down the field, and I had a front-row view as he pushed
himself to the limits. He was running harder and faster than the rest, and it seemed far more about pushing himself than talent.
He looked like he was as lost as I was.
But I didn’t care.
It didn’t matter that he had stared at me the entirety of class every day or that I had to practically run from the room to avoid talking to him. His stare did nothing to me.
His apologies fell on deaf ears.
I was no longer affected by Beck Clermont.
I couldn’t afford to be.
Broken girls didn’t get those luxuries, and that was the one thing I was certain about. He had broken me, and no matter what I did, no matter how busy I tried to keep my mind, all I could think about was him and how badly I missed my mom.
I missed her more than anything.
And suddenly without Beck acting as the anchor to all of my attention, I felt like I was falling apart.
Moment by moment, I could feel myself unraveling, and the only thing that made me feel sane was focusing on how much I hated him.
I looked back out toward the field just as the team was headed to the locker room. Lucas was at the head of the group, and he looked like he had pushed himself just as hard as Beck had. He was covered in sweat, and I could see the exhaustion on his face as he passed by.
I didn’t know much about team sports, but it felt odd that Beck and Lucas could even consider being on one together. A team in which none of them had each other’s backs was fated to fail.
My father had told me that they were looking to win the state championship this year. This was important to Lucas. I assumed it was important to all of the guys, but it seemed like an impossible task.
I couldn’t imagine them winning anything together.
After everything Beck had done to get back at Lucas, he was willing to go so far to get his revenge, and I couldn’t imagine that they would be able to tolerate each other, let alone support one another.
Even the way they were walking off the field made that clear. Lucas was at the very front and Beck trailed in the back. Olly and Carson were with him, and I could see them talking to one another, but I knew that he was avoiding Lucas.
Maybe now that he had gotten his revenge, they would drop the whole thing. He had gotten what he wanted. He had done to me what he felt like he had to do, and I had paid the price for his cruelty.
I was nothing but a casualty in his game, but maybe it was enough for them to stop.
Even if Beck would never see me as anything but a Vos, I didn’t care.
Because he had made sure that I saw him clearly as well. He taught me a valuable lesson about who he was, and I wouldn’t forget it.
Regardless of how badly I wanted to.
Beck laughed at something Olly said just before his eyes swept over the library windows. I didn’t know if he could actually see inside, but I still dropped my eyes and stared down at the textbook I hadn’t been able to pay one bit of attention to.
I glanced back up, and his gaze met mine. He was pushing his shirt over his head, wiping away the sweat that clung to his hair, but he was still staring into the window as if he had a perfect view of me.
The school was an old building with massive windows, but there was no way that he could see me clearly. My heart raced as I quickly closed my notebook, but he was headed in my direction, his friends forgotten behind him. There was not a chance that I was going to let him find me here staring at him like I was some lovesick fool.
I hadn’t even realized they would be out there when I had picked this spot. I had come here for solitude. To get away from everything.
But it appeared that I could never get away from him.
He was impossible to hide from. Impossible to escape.
I pulled my backpack onto my shoulders just as I heard the heavy library doors open. I spun toward the sound, and my hands shook against the straps of my bag.
I didn’t want to face Beck right now. I wasn’t prepared.
He stood there watching me, his hair a mess, his shirt still in his hand, and I was a fool for letting my gaze leave his face and trailing down his body.
He was still covered in sweat, but it did nothing to detract from how attractive he was. His black shorts hung low on his hips, and for a moment, I let myself remember what he had looked like when there was nothing between us.
Nothing but his secrets and all his lies.
"What are you doing in here?" He was watching me so intently that I felt
like every small move was under his scrutiny.
"It’s a library, Beck." I held up one of the books on the table in front of me. "I’m studying."
He looked out the window as if he was imagining what I had been able to see while they were practicing, and I knew that he knew I had been watching him. Even if I would never admit it.
"You’ve been avoiding me." He said it as if that fact should have been surprising to him. Like he hadn’t expected me to avoid the guy who had done nothing but break me.
"Have I?" I cocked my head to the side and stared at his mouth with a racing heart. "I hadn’t even noticed you."
There was a flash of anger in his gaze before he stepped toward me.
Instinctively, my body moved backward keeping an equal distance. My thigh hit a chair and the loud scrape of it against the floor rang out through the quiet space.
The heads of the few other students who were in there turned in our direction, and I winced at their sudden attention.
"Sorry," I whispered and turned my attention back to Beck.