“You what?” she half breathed, half accused.
“Designer shoes, I said, ‘I love you.’ I have for a while. Probably from the moment you used your body to shield the wind so I could light my cigarette. Maybe even before that. It was love at first stalk, Levee.”
“Sam…”
“So, yeah, I can tell you whatever I want. And I’m telling you all I do is offer you a distraction from the rest of your crazy life. It’s a really fucking good distraction, and I’m praying that you love the hell out of that distraction and want to keep it forever. But, at the end of the day, you have to be the one who wants to live. All I can do is be at your side while you do it.” I shrugged simply.
Although, as I stared into her brown eyes, there was absolutely nothing simple about it.
I love her. Now, I had to sit and wait to see if she loved me too.
She held my gaze while a combination of emotions passed over her gorgeous face. Her cheeks pinked shyly. Her lips twitched with humor. Her eyes filled with love. But her mouth said, “You’re a dumbass.”
Well, okay, then.
SAM BARKED OUT a laugh as he confidently folded his arms behind his head but eyed me warily. “Excuse me?”
“I said, ‘You are a dumbass,’” I repeated, but a giant smile threatened to swallow my face.
He loved me. He was also a dumbass, hence why I felt the need to inform him of such information. But, really, I was too busy fighting to keep my feet on the ground while my heart was attempting to soar away. He loves me.
A matching grin formed on Sam’s mouth. “Oh really? How’s that?”
“First, I need you to retract your declaration of love.”
He shook his head and curled his lip in disgust. “No way.”
I turned toward him and crisscrossed my legs in front of me. “You have to! I can’t talk about my ex-boyfriends after you tell me you love me! It’s bad form.”
He tipped his head to the side. “Why in the hell would you feel the need to talk about your ex-boyfriends right now?”
“Because it explains why you’re a dumbass,” I announced before bending forward to touch my lips to his. Pulling away just an inch, I whispered, “It’s a really good story, too.”
Sucking in a deep breath, he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me again. Holding me against his lips, he exhaled on a content sigh. “I’m not retracting anything, but if you absolutely must, I give you full permission to talk about your exes.”
“Okay.” I attempted to sit up, but Sam wasn’t having it.
Instead, he grabbed my leg and pulled me to straddle his lap. Then he stripped my shirt over my head in one swift movement, which was quickly followed by his own. I stared at his mouth-watering, ink-covered chest, noticing for the first time that Anne’s name was woven between the random designs. I reached out to trace my fingers over the black ink, but he caught my wrist and lifted my hand to his mouth.
Kissing the back of my hand, he said, “Now, why am I a dumbass?”
“Oh, right. Thomas Reigns, Chris Spears, Davis Long, and Lee Shultz were all distractions.”
“Jesus, did you date anyone who wasn’t in the NFL?”
“Lee plays baseball.” I shrugged.
“Anyone else?”
“Johnny Depp. But he was so weird.”
“And old,” Sam scoffed, clearly not enjoying my parade of exes.
I giggled as he cussed under his breath. “Anyway, what I’m saying is I’ve had a lot of distractions in my life. So I can say without a single doubt that you, Sam Rivers, are not one of them.”
“Levee—” he started, but I silenced him with a kiss.
“From the moment I first met you, you made the world lighter. You didn’t even know you were doing it at first. But just knowing you would be on that bridge every night soothed the madness that was ricocheting around inside my head. You made me laugh, and like Ric Flair”—I paused while he chuckled—“you made me feel special. The relief I felt in your arms made the craziness manageable. You were never a distraction to me, Sam. You were always my reprieve.”
I smiled, hoping to receive one in return, but as he traced a finger down my cleavage, concern covered the strong angles of his face.
“I fucking love that. I really do. But what if, one day, I’m not there for you? I’m worried that you won’t have the right mindset about this. I can’t fix your problems just by making you laugh.”
“Maybe not. But I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks and especially today. I don’t want to learn how to cope with my old life. I want it to change. I dreamed for years about getting to where I am today, but I’ve lost myself in the spotlight. I miss writing songs, Sam. Did you know I only wrote four of the twelve on my last album?”
He shook his head and began sliding his callused hands up and down my sides. Chill bumps pebbled my skin in their wake.
“I swore I’d never be that artist. Writing music was always my passion, long before I ever even dreamed of taking to a stage myself. I started jotting down lyrics right after Lizzy died—I couldn’t even play guitar yet. Maybe that’s who I’m supposed to be, because I’m quickly realizing I might not be cracked up for the fast lane of fame.”
His hands stilled. “Are you saying you want to quit?”
“No! But maybe taking a step back for a little while isn’t a bad idea. I could write some music and remember why I wanted this life to begin with.”
He skeptically arched an eyebrow. “Levee, I think a break is a brilliant idea. But, if I’m being honest, I’m concerned that, if you don’t get some real help, you’ll find yourself spending even more time at hospitals, killing yourself in a different way.”
God, I loved the way he gave it to me straight. Which was exactly why I knew I could handle this transition with him at my side.
“I’ve always gone to the children’s hospitals, Sam. But it wasn’t until recently that it became some sort of addiction. I need someone who can help me keep that in perspective—to tell me when I start getting off-balance. I’m obsessive about stuff. It’s who I am, but I’m not irrational. Henry used to be my voice of reason, but he has his own life now, and it’s dragging us in different directions.”
Bending down, I kissed him. Then I kissed him again. Then I kissed him as if it were the very last time, and as far as I was concerned, it was. Because, on the flipside of that kiss, I wanted something brand new with Sam.
And I wanted to start it right.
“I fell in love with you when I was at rock bottom. But I’ll never be able to look back on those dark days with anything but a smile. I wanted to jump, Sam, but I never once expected the fall to go up.”
“Jesus, Levee.” He pulled me into a hug. He held me painfully tight and rained kisses over my neck and my shoulder. They weren’t sensual the way I knew Sam’s mouth was capable, but I felt every single one of them deep within my soul.
Gradually, his hands drifted to my breasts, but for the first time since we’d met, I was the one who wanted to talk.
“Wait. Listen.” I leaned away but circled my legs around his waist to keep us connected. “I love you.”
His entire face lit as his eyes smiled.
“And I need you to trust me here. I know you’re still worried about me, but I’m not going back to that place.”
His body tightened, and his eyes squinted suspiciously.
“I want to go home with you, Sam. I’ll see a therapist if that’s what it takes to make you feel comfortable, but I want to end every night with you. Your nightly phone calls and silly pictures have helped me more than any doctor ever could. Take me home and let me struggle with you.”
His head lolled back as he stared up at the ceiling. “That’s not fair. You can’t use my words against me.”