“Nicely put,” said Dave. “It’s all so simple when you put it that way.”
I punched Dave right in the face. Which probably hurt me more than it hurt him. Which made me aware of just how much pain Sandra must go through, being a zombie. Yes, it was a lot of pain that I felt then. And also afterwards, when Sandra made me do certain things to atone for hitting Dave, which were so humiliating and degrading that I have no intention of mentioning them here.
“So you’re up for the challenge, then?” said Dave. “When you’ve finished doing that, which, frankly, I don’t want to watch any more because it makes me feel sick.”
I just nodded my head to Dave.
Because Sandra had told me to nod it.
And because it’s rude to speak with your mouth full.
26
OK. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this is all really far-fetched. You’re probably thinking that it’s ludicrous and foolish and that I’m just making it up as I go along. Well, frankly, I don’t blame you. If anyone had ever told me a tale like this, I wouldn’t have believed them. I would probably have punched them.
In fact, I might well have killed them.
But that was then, whenever then was, and this was now. And in this now, here was I, victim of cosmic circumstance, dragged back from an eternity of bliss and rattling along in the back of a knackered transit van in the company of a very great deal of explosive.
It was quite clear to me that a considerable degree of forward planning had gone into this operation. A lot of work had been done on the part of Dave and Sandra, before they brought me back from the dead.
I confess that I was slightly baffled. I’d never had Dave down as anything but dodgy. The thought of him caring a jam tiddly about mankind and wanting to play a part in “saving the world” didn’t seem to fit.
But then, love can do strange things to a man. And it seemed obvious to me that Dave was in love with my Sandra. I don’t know what it was about that woman that men found so attractive. Well, actually, I do because I had fallen under her spell. She was a very pretty girl, or had been while alive. And when it came to impersonating ponies, she was definitely in a class of her own. And I think that, even given everything – her infidelities with Count Otto and probably others – she was a good person.
But, like I say, here I was, rattling along in the back of another stolen van, en route for Mornington Crescent, thinking to myself that I’d rather be anywhere else but here. In fact, everywhere else but here.
At which point the extremely obvious hit me right in the face. And a plan of my own entered my poor dead head.
And, as it was an absolute blinder of a plan, it made me smile very much and feel rather happy inside.
A kind of blissful glow.
Which, of course, due to the nature of things, could not be allowed to continue for long.
“Stop van, Dave,” said Sandra. “She do.”
“She?” said Dave, stopping the van.
“Sandra want body,” said Sandra. “That body.” And she pointed out of the window. “She do for body.”
“Oh no, please,” I said, cowering down in the back of the van. “Please don’t make me. Please.”
“Gary, fetch body now,” said Sandra. “Now!”
I will spare you the details and the horror. And as the horror is always in the details, these two are one and the same.
“Happy now?” I said, ten minutes later, as I wiped the blood from my hands.
Dave drove on and he cast an approving eye over the latest Sandra. “It’s a very nice body,” he said. “It really suits you, Sandra.”
“Sandra know what Dave like,” said Sandra.
I sat and stewed in the back. My wife and my bestest friend. I now really hated both of them.
“You OK in the back there, Gary?” called Dave.
“Oh yeah,” I said. “Never better.”
“Good lad.”
“You’ll get yours,” I whispered. And I meant it.
When we finally reached Mornington Crescent it was around midnight. The good old witching hour. I sat in the back of that van, picking loose bits from my fingers and thinking that my life would have been oh so different if I’d been born someone else entirely. Someone destined to be rich and famous, perhaps. Rather than poor and notorious. But Casey Rahserah, or whoever it is, whatever will be will probably be.
“We’re going down the secret tunnel,” said Dave.
“Oh, good-oh,” said I.
And down the secret tunnel we went.
After a prolonged period of secret-tunnel travelling, Dave brought the transit to a halt, got out, came around and opened up the rear doors.
“We’re here,” he said. “Time for you to do your stuff.”
“And my stuff would be what, exactly?” I climbed out of the van.
“Special mission,” said Dave. “Sandra will tell you all about it.”
Sandra danced into view. She looked exceedingly sprightly with her nice fresh body. “Gary take this,” she said.
“And what is this?” I saw what this was. “No,” I said. “I don’t want to take that.”
“Take gun,” said Sandra, because this (and that) was what this (and that) was (or were).
I took the gun from Sandra.
“Gary go shoot Mr Boothy,” said Sandra. “Shoot all intraterrestrials too. Gary do this.”
“I don’t want to do this,” I told Sandra. “I was a serial killer when I was alive. Now you’re asking me to be one after I’m dead.”
“Not asking,” said Sandra. “Commanding. Gary do what Gary commanded.”
“Yes,” I said. “I’ll do what I’m commanded.”
“Cool,” said Dave. “And while you’re at it, Sandra and I will set all this explosive down here. It will put paid to the entire complex. We’ll have to synchronize watches.”
“I don’t have a watch,” I said. “I think it probably got melted when they fried me in the electric chair.”
“The prison guard nicked it,” said Dave. “But I nicked it back off him.” And Dave gave me my wristwatch. Which was nice, but it didn’t make me hate him any the less.
“Thanks a lot,” I said.
“No problem,” said Dave. “I have five past midnight. What do you have?”
“The same,” I said.
“Well, I’ll give you until half-past. Do your stuff, then find your way to the tube station entrance. We’ll pick you up there. I’ll set the timer on the bomb for 12.31. OK?”
“Fine,” I said. “No problems at all.”
“There is a problem,” said Sandra.
“Oh yes?” I said.
Sandra smiled. “Sandra know what Gary plan,” she said.
“Plan?” I said. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Do know,” said Sandra. “Gary plan to let himself get all blown up by explosion. That what Gary plan. Be dead again. That what Gary plan.”
“I was planning no such thing,” I said.
But as you no doubt guessed, I was.
“Gary not do this,” said Sandra. “Sandra command Gary not do this. Gary escape before explosion. Gary understand?”
I nodded my head. Dismally. Very dismally.
“I understand,” I said. “I will do as you command.”
“Good,” said Sandra. “Gary have much atoning for sins to do for Sandra.”
I ground my teeth. One of them fell out.
“Then, we’re all set,” said Dave. “Off you go, then, Gary.”
“I order zombie,” said Sandra.
“Sorry, Sandra,” said Dave.
“Off go then, Gary,” said Sandra. “Follow Sandra commands.”
I nodded one more dismal time and set off on my way.
“Not that way,” called Dave. “That way.”
And I set off that way.
That way led me back to the gantry and all the steps down into the vast hangar where all the ranks of flying saucers were parked. If Sandra had been really smart, she would have ordered me to be really careful, to use the utmost stealth, and go undetected. But she wasn’t really smart, so I just strolled down the stairs and whistled loudly as I strolled.