That love and rapture faltered. “Wait. How is it settled? How did we go from me declaring my love for you to me being okay with a dream?”
“It’s Adrian Ivashkov logic. Don’t try to understand it. Just roll with it.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
I nodded solemnly. “That’s just because you aren’t used to living the kind of spontaneous and unpredictable life I do. The unexpected is par for the course with me. Nothing surprises me anymore.”
A sly look appeared in her eyes. “Oh, I don’t know. I bet I could totally tell you something you never saw coming.”
“You’re welcome to try.”
“If I surprise you, will you not do the dream?”
“Let’s hear what you’ve got.”
She hesitated a few seconds, and although there was still a mischievous glint in her eyes, I detected a little nervousness too. “Well . . . I’m on birth control.”
I was drinking the water again and choked on it. It took several moments of coughing before I could gasp out, “What?”
She shrugged, unbelievably casual, as though the suggestion of having sex wasn’t a big deal. And yeah, there was no question about it. I was surprised. Very surprised. I should’ve known better than to doubt her abilities. “It takes a while for it to start working, so I figured I should be prepared, just in case.”
“Just in case,” I repeated, still dumbfounded.
Whatever nervousness she’d had was turning to delight at my discomfort. “Come on, are you saying you don’t think about it?”
“Oh, believe me, I think about it all the time. I just never knew you did. I mean, I figured when it came to sex, the Alchemists had all these principles about purity and marriage and sin . . . and stuff.”
“Most do,” she agreed. “Me? My principles are about love and doing it because there’s meaning and commitment. A piece of paper doesn’t always signal that. If there’s any sin involved, it’s doing it in a . . . I don’t know. Cheap way. With people you don’t care about. When it’s meaningless.”
I couldn’t muster a comment on that because the majority of sex in my life had pretty much been the cheap kind. I couldn’t remember the names of half the girls I’d been with. Sydney was fully aware of this, but she made no condemnation and shifted to a topic that was more expected of her personality.
“And, of course, doing it responsibly is huge too. There are a million pills on the market, so I had to compile all the data.” Then, incredibly, she pulled out a chart from her messenger bag entitled Oral-Contraceptive Comparison. It was hand drawn, but you’d never guess it from the perfect lines and neat writing. There was lots of color coding, as well as columns filled with unintelligible terms like estradiol and androgenicity.
I stared, slack jawed, even though this was completely in line with the Sydney I knew and loved. “You’ve been working on this?”
“I actually made it a while ago. Didn’t take that long.” She regarded it with a sigh. “There are lots of side effects for all of them. I mean, plenty of people have no problems at all, but there are things that sometimes happen that you have to take into consideration. Tons of these are linked to weight gain.”
I studied her very carefully, realizing what a big concession that was. No matter her new healthy habits, I knew her figure was a constant source of worry, which was ridiculous considering how great she looked. “I’m surprised you’d take the chance. There are plenty of other safe sex options, you know. Ones that don’t involve pills.”
“I know.” She set the chart down. “But we don’t have to worry about disease, and this is one of the most effective methods—and it lets me control it. My doctor gave me the one with the lowest incidence of weight gain, so we’ll see.”
I stood up and sat beside her on the bed. “Promise me if you notice anything happening, you just stop taking it. I don’t want you trying to compensate with some crazy diet.”
She met my eyes. “You think I’d do that?”
“I’d rather not risk it and find out.”
“And risk not having sex?”
“I’m not having sex right now and am doing just fine,” I said nobly. “Although . . . uh, just out of academic curiosity, at what point are you thinking about . . .”
Sydney laughed and brushed a kiss against my lips. “I don’t know. Whenever I’m ready.” Abruptly, she sobered. “And there’s Jill . . .”
“Ah,” I said, because it was all I could say.
Jill. Jill, who could see inside my world and the things I did—including the things I did with Sydney. I knew it bothered Sydney—and I couldn’t blame her. Having a reluctant witness to our most intimate activities wasn’t something I liked either, especially when that witness was sweet and innocent Jill. Not that she was probably that sweet and innocent after living in my head. Jill, more than anything, was what I suspected had slowed down my physical relationship with Sydney. There were some things she could grudgingly accept Jill knowing about. There were others she couldn’t.
And I had no argument or conciliatory words to offer. I didn’t know how to get around this, and no way would I pressure Sydney into something she was so uncomfortable with. The only thing I could hope for was that Jill and I could develop the self-control to block each other out. My ex, Rose, had been bound to Lissa, and they’d eventually developed that ability . . . though it had taken a couple years. Was I willing to wait that long for Sydney? Studying her as I held her hand, I knew the answer immediately. Yes. Yes, I would.
I gave her what I hoped was an encouraging smile. “Then we’ll just have to see what happens. If it works, great. If not, you stop taking it. It’s a pill, not a lifelong commitment. Besides, there are lots of ways to keep busy in the meantime.”
That brought her smile back, and my heart lightened. “I’m guessing whatever ‘ways’ you have in mind aren’t Jill-appropriate either.”
“Put your books away, and I’ll show you.”
Jill was still on my mind after Sydney left, largely because I had plans to have dinner with her that night. It was something I tried to do once in a while. Maybe Jill knew all about my life, but I wanted to keep in touch with hers. Besides, despite all our group dinners, it was nice just to have the two of us hang out. Well, almost two of us. Occasionally, Jill might leave the school with Sydney, but everyone preferred that a dhampir go along. I knew Jill found it oppressive sometimes, but this was one instance of stiff rules I could support. I’d been there when the assassins had attacked her. I’d seen the blood and her chest grow still. Those images woke me out of sleep all the time, and I’d be damned if there’d ever be a repeat of those events.
And so, Eddie tagged along for these dinners, which I didn’t mind that much. He was a good guy, one who’d seen his own fair share of trauma and heartache. It was a part of him, one he’d used to strengthen himself and carry on. He was real, and I appreciated that.
Except it wasn’t Eddie waiting at the curb with Jill.
“Damn it,” I muttered.
A wry look flashed across Jill’s face as she read my reaction. Although she was respectful of my thoughts and feelings, this was one matter that she stood firmly opposed to me in.
“Hi, Adrian,” she said cheerily, getting into the car. “Neil decided to come along with us tonight.”
“So I see.” He slid into the backseat, giving me a curt nod of greeting in the rearview mirror. “Does Castile have a hot date?”
“No, but we just thought it’d be fun for Neil to get out.” What she actually meant, of course, was that she thought it’d be fun for her to get out with Neil. I didn’t need a bond to know that.