I’ve spent years studying this stuff. Of course I’d like to be part of actual discoveries as they happen.
And suddenly I knew. There was no compromise. This was something he wanted to do, had already been talking to people about doing.
There were only two ways this played out if we stayed together—either I became a nervous wreck, living as if I was trapped in the spacesuit with no solid ground under my feet, or Finn gave up on his dream.
Both were intolerable. Both would drive us apart.
Amelia came closer. “Are you sure? You don’t look well.”
Startled by her tone, I looked up. I was scaring Amelia. Of course, that would be nothing compared to the effect of what I had to do next.
On unsteady legs, I stood and looked at Finn’s sisters one at a time. “I’m really sorry, but I think I have to leave.”
Chapter Seventeen
Finn
I arrived home to find the three women in my life sitting in a row on the sofa: Amelia on one end with red eyes and Harvey leaning against her legs, Billie on the other end, shooting me accusing glances, and Scarlett in the middle with a suitcase at her feet.
My heart jolted. Something had happened. As I closed the door behind me, I ran through every scenario that could have occurred since I’d seen them all at breakfast. Amelia had been at school. Billie had worked today, and it was her night to cook. I’d sent her a text earlier saying I’d be late since I’d gained access to a rare book at the state library when someone else pulled out, and she’d replied to the text, so I knew she’d received it and everything was okay.
Scarlett had also worked today, and tonight she was… I had no idea what she was doing tonight. Maybe we’d had plans? My stomach went into freefall. Had I forgotten her like she’d always accused me of forgetting the other girls I’d dated?
My gaze returned to the suitcase and panic began to close in, blackness descending on all sides. Forgetting plans was the only thing that made sense, but even now I couldn’t remember anything I’d missed.
“Scarlett,” I said, but my throat was too tight to get more words out.
“Tell her,” Amelia pleaded. “Explain it. Don’t let her leave.”
Tell her what? Surely she wouldn’t leave me for forgetting one night? There had to be more to it. I’d screwed up about something, obviously, but she couldn’t walk away. Abandon me. Everything in the room seemed unreal, a two-dimensional facade, and I couldn’t get my body to work. Except my lungs—they were working too fast.
And then I remembered—Scarlett had been distant for a couple of days. I’d tried to talk to her about it, but she’d fobbed me off. I’d figured it was a problem at work and she’d tell me when she was ready. It was obviously much bigger than I’d realized.
Billie said something. I didn’t hear what it was, but it brought my attention to her. “Billie.” I took my wallet from my back pocket and handed it to her. “Take Amelia out for burgers.”
“We’ve had dinner,” she said, grabbing Scarlett’s hand.
“Then take her for ice cream.” She didn’t move, so I added, “Please.” I needed some time alone with Scarlett so I could fix this. Whatever it was, I had to fix this. I couldn’t lose her.
Billie looked to Scarlett, who nodded. “Come on, Amelia,” she said, standing. “We’re going for ice cream.”
Amelia reluctantly stood. “Can Harvey come?”
“Sure,” Billie said, looking at me, daring me to disagree. “We’ll take Finn’s car.”
She put her hand out and I dropped my keys in her palm, not caring what she did to my car, as long as I could talk to Scarlett and make things right.
Once the door closed, I took a step toward her, my knees nowhere near steady. But I stopped. There was an invisible wall between us now. She’d put it there, but I must have given her the materials to build it. So I stood awkwardly, my heart racing unevenly in my chest.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I said cautiously. “I was given short notice that I could access a rare book on Mesopotamian music that was on loan to the library, and I had to take the opportunity.”
Her face expressionless, she nodded. “Of course you did.”
Expressionless Scarlett made me nervous.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “Whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Finn.” She turned away and I couldn’t see her expression, but her hand waved at the far wall. “I bought you a present today.”
Confused at the abrupt change in topic, I glanced in the direction she was pointing. A desk stood against the wall. A huge, solid, wooden desk, which held piles of my books and papers, probably in the neatest order they’d ever been in.
“You bought me a desk?” Moving closer, I ran my hand along the smooth edge. “Thank you.”
I tried to sound grateful because it was a great gift, but I was too preoccupied trying to piece all the parts of this puzzle together. Nothing seemed to fit, as if I were trying to complete a jigsaw with a deck of cards.
“I wanted it to be a surprise.” She still sat on the sofa, somewhat stiffly, altogether untouchable.
“It is,” I said, still wary.
“When I was moving your things from the table to the desk, I found some letters offering you fieldwork.” There was no malice in her, just sadness.
I swore under my breath at myself, then a little at the ancient gods for good measure. “Okay.”
“I can’t do this, Finn.” She rose to her feet, her spine straight, and crossed her arms. She was magnificent and everything I wanted.
“Come on, Scarlett. You’re not really leaving because of some letters, are you?” There was a pleading note in my voice, but I didn’t care. Self-respect was a low priority in the circumstances. “I turned them down.”
“You turned these down,” she said, her voice wobbling. “But there will be more.”
I took a small step in her direction. “We’ll face that when we come to it.”
“The only thing worse than a life spent moving around from place to place is the uncertainty of knowing it’s in the future, but never knowing when. Waiting for the axe to fall. Praying it won’t happen. Hoping you changed your dream, then hating myself for being so selfish. We can’t live like that. I can’t live like that, with that level of uncertainty… That was my entire life until you found me. I can’t do it again. I’ll become brittle and bitter. But the thing is, Finn—I love you. I’d never want you to give up on your dream, not for anything. Especially not for me.”
I opened my mouth to say something, though I had no idea what. Just something that would stop what was happening. But she held up a hand.
“Please just let me say all this.” I nodded and she continued. “So the options here are that we stay together and you give up your dream, or we stay together and I’m unhappy.”
I could see where she was going, but it was like watching a runaway train and being helpless to do anything to stop it. My mind screamed no, even before she said the words.
“There’s no good choice there, Finn.”
The panic was rising again, threatening to engulf me. “Don’t leave me.”
For a fraction of a second her face crumpled, then she caught it and found a neutral expression again. “I love you. More than I’ve loved anyone or anything in my entire life. But I have to go.”
“Nothing about this is right. Not a thing.”
“I’m really sorry, Finn.” She pushed her blue glasses up to the bridge of her nose and didn’t meet my gaze. “I just can’t see a future for us that doesn’t end in crashing and burning. At least if I go now, we won’t hate each other.”
She picked up the small suitcase and headed for the door. Before she could reach it, I stepped in her path, not sure what I was doing, but knowing I couldn’t let her walk through it.