Five minutes later, I’m fighting massive fudge dry mouth and doing everything in my power not to look at my watch. The only thing keeping me calm is the enlarged photo over Barbara’s desk-a spectacular shot of the President the night he won the election. On a stage in Coconut Grove, Florida, he’s got the First Lady on his right and his son and Nora on his left. As the seconds tick down, that’s who I focus on. Nora. She’s frozen mid-scream with a wild smile on her face, one arm pumped in the air, and the other one wrapped around her brother’s neck. It’s a victory cheer-no pain, no sadness-just true, wide-eyed euphoria. She had no idea what she was in for. Neither do I.
“Want some more fudge?” Barbara asks. With nothing else to do, I get up and head for her desk. Before I get there, though, she looks over my shoulder and smiles. Someone just walked in.
I turn around just in time to see him step in front of me. He’s facing the other way, but I know that posture anywhere. Simon.
“Hey, sweetie,” he says as he swipes a piece of fudge. “We running on time?”
“Actually, pretty close,” Barbara replies. “Shouldn’t be long now.”
“Morning, Michael,” he says, taking my seat in the wingback chair.
I feel like someone just punched me in the chest. An octopus of rage is already crawling its way across the back of my shoulders.
“Oh, c’mon,” he responds to the look on my face. “You didn’t really think you were going alone, did you?”
Before I can answer, he throws a manila file folder into my chest. Inside is what already went to the President: a copy of my decision memo, with the Staff Secretary’s summary attached to the top. Below my memo, I notice something else. The original letter I wrote to the Office of Government Ethics about Simon. I don’t believe it-that’s why I never got any of Simon’s financial disclosure forms. The letter never even made it out of the building.
“There’s a typo in the second paragraph,” Simon points out, eyeing me carefully. “I thought you might want it back.”
How the hell did he-?
Behind me, I hear the door to the Oval open. “He’s ready for you,” Barbara announces. “Go on in.”
Shoving his way past me, Simon heads straight for the door. Feeling as if I’m about to vomit, I follow.
“How’d it go?” Pam asks as I stand in front of her desk.
“I don’t know, it was kinda like-”
The ringing of her phone interrupts my thought. “Hold on a second,” she says, picking it up. “This is Pam. Yeah. No, I know. You’ll have it by next week. Great. Thanks.” She hangs up and looks back up at me. “I’m sorry-you were saying… ”
“It’s hard to describe. When Simon got there, I thou-”
Once again, her phone interrupts.
“Don’t worry-let it ring,” she tells me.
I’m about to continue when I see her glance at the caller ID. I know that panicked look on her face. This is an important call.
“It’s okay,” I say. “Pick it up.”
“It’ll just take a minute,” she promises as she lifts the receiver. “This is Pam. Yeah, I… What? No-he won’t. I promise he won’t.” There’s a long pause as she listens. This is going to be longer than a minute.
“Why don’t I come back later,” I whisper.
“I’m really sorry,” she mouths, covering the receiver.
“Don’t worry. It’s not a big deal.” Leaving Pam’s office, I try to tell myself that’s the truth.
Crossing through the anteroom, I decide to call Trey, who’s probably still mad at me. As I head to my office, I see a pair of men’s white Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear hanging from the doorknob. Above it is a laser-printed sign:
Welcome Home Brief(ing)Master!
Butterfly kisses,
All of Your Adoring Fan
I pull off the underwear and open the door. Inside, it only gets worse. On my chair, covering my couch, hanging from my lamps and every picture frame-there’s men’s underwear everywhere. Boxers, briefs, even a little silk fruit-smuggler. To top it off, a dozen tighty-whities spell out the word “Mike” across my desk.
“All hail Briefmaster!” Trey shouts from his hiding spot behind the door. He drops to his knees and bows at my feet. “What say you, Master of the Brief… ing?”
“Unbelievable,” I tell him as I admire the effort.
“I even stuffed them in your drawers,” he says proudly. “Get it? Drawers?”
“I got it,” I say, picking three more pair off my chair. “Where’d you get all these anyway?”
“They’re mine.”
“Skanky!” I say, tossing them across the room.
“What, you think I’m going to buy all new underwear for a one-time joke? Humor has a price, boy.” He sniffs the air twice. “And now you’re paying it.”
I have to admit, it’s just what I needed. “Thanks, Trey.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, now tell me how it went. Were you in good positioning for the photo?”
“What photo?”
“Oh, please, Michael-it’s me. You know they take your picture on your virgin visit. I don’t care how scared you are, everyone here’s always got one eye on the camera. Always.”
I let out the smallest of grins.
“I knew it!” Trey laughs. “You’re more predictable than a bank calendar! What’d you do? Stiff jaw? Squinty eyes?”
“Are you kidding? I pulled out the big guns-stiff jaw, pursed lips, and I pointed at the memo, just to solidify the student-teacher dynamic.”
“Nice touch,” Trey nods. “Did that convince him about the wiretaps?”
“Let me put it this way: Y’know that feeling right before you get a haircut? When you wake up one morning and suddenly you’ve got a bathroom mat for hair? And every day, it gets that much worse? But then, on the actual day you’re supposed to get the haircut, you wake up and magically, spontaneously, your hair looks great? Y’know what I’m talking about? It’s like all your fears were for nothing?” Trey nods as I pause for effect. “Well, not today!” I shout at the top of my lungs. “My hair looked crappy all day long!”
“It couldn’t have been that bad,” Trey says, laughing.
“No, it was worse than bad. It was awful. Tragic. So tragic it approached poetic.”
“Poetic’s good. Everyone loves a good rhyming couplet.”
“You weren’t there, Trey. I was nervous enough by myself-I didn’t need Simon showing up. And when he took my information request and crammed it down my throat-son of a bitch saved it up just to rattle me. That’s why we haven’t gotten his records; somehow, he knew what was going on. After that, I lost my center. Every time the President asked me a question I felt like all I could do was blink back at him.”
“Trust me, that’s how everyone feels with the President.”
“That’s not-”
“It is true-the moment he enters the room-Bam!-instant bedwetter.”
I’m still not convinced, but I have to smile. “If you say so.”
“You know it’s the truth. There’s nothing small around the President-and when he asks you a question, you want to have the answer. Now tell me what else happened. Did you get to filch anything cool? Pencils? Pens? I’ve-got-presidential-power-coursing-through-my-veins T-shirts?”
“Not really,” I say, sitting down. “Just these… ” I reach into my pocket and pull out a pair of presidential seal cufflinks.
“Don’t tell me he-”
“Took them right off his shirt-I think it was his way of calming me down.”
“Calming you down? You dope, you just got Grand Poobah cufflinks! He must’ve liked what you said!”
“We’ll see when he makes his decision. They should be voting on it as we sp-”
The ringing of my phone cuts me off. Caller ID reads Outside Call. This could be it.
“Aren’t you going to pick it up?” Trey asks.
“This is Michael,” I answer.
“So, did he ask you about us?” Nora says with a laugh.