"Kiss my titties, Billy, kiss my titties," I pleaded. Like some big fish, his mouth slowly opened to let me push my tit into it. I was delirious with sensation, with sexual joy, and I began to slam my cunt against Bill's groin, shoving his prick in and out of me savagely, feeling how beautifully it worked inside of me, because it was covered with his juices and mine. I was so hot that even I broke out in a sweat. I was getting a special kick out of watching Billy, enjoying the way his eyes looked back at me, hot with animal lust. And yet, somehow, there was fear in them, too. But the way his mouth was working on my breast, suckling my nipple, I knew how good it had to be for Billy as well, and that he'd do anything to keep fucking me. I worked his big cock inside me as if I owned it – slamming and sliding, shoving and pushing, twisting around and around, up and down, letting my clit graze across him constantly until I felt my whole body getting all tensed up and ready. I felt those wild tingles and thrills running all through me, up from my sopping pussy right up to my throat. It built and built, and I fucked Bill harder and harder.
Then I was pulling on Bill's hair and yelling, "I'm coming, Billy, come with me… come with me… shoot inside of me… come with me, Billy, now… now!" I remember my stifled scream as Bill's sperm began to shoot against the wall of my womb, and his teeth clamped down on my tit painfully. Simultaneously, I exploded into spasm after spasm, my snatch clutching at Bill's bursting cock until I could feel his hot come slopping back down my hole as I humped and humped at him, actually beginning to enjoy the pain of his teeth digging into my breast. But then it was over. Bill let go, gasping for air.
I recall that even while I was still panting, still recovering from the intensity of my orgasm, I looked down at my breast and saw Bill's teethmarks. It gave me a strange sort of pleasure to see the red welts so neatly outlined on my soft, white flesh… a very strange pleasure. I can still remember even sort of hoping that they wouldn't disappear, but stay there like a tattoo, a reminder.
There is a strong suggestion, primarily in the seeming non sequitur of Frieda L.'s early rape experience and her subsequent seduction of her high school "boyfriend" Billy, that Frieda is being either consciously or unconsciously dishonest with herself as far as her claimed reactions to the rape are concerned or that she is for some reason concealing a transitional incident or incidents between that rape encounter and her seduction of Billy. Even if one considers the passage of time between Frieda's encounter with the pedophiliac in the park – she was twelve, then, she says – and her junior year in high school, there is conflict between her claimed reactions to the rape and her thoroughly active role in her sexual congress with Billy. The attitudes toward sex of the Frieda of twelve and the Frieda of sixteen are so contrasting as to strain the credibility of Frieda's narrative.
Of course, Frieda admits that she had had other sexual encounters after the rape and before Billy. She states that during her teens she used sex to her advantage. It is also, of course, quite possible that time had softened the memory of the trauma of her rape; although the vivid recollection of that rape as presented by her appears to belie such a supposition. It appears that the clue to the whole paradox of Frieda lies in her statement: "the problem… was that my best intentions seemed to ricochet on me, and invariably I was the victim instead of the victor." And that clue only becomes apparent through interpretation after the whole of Frieda's narrative is considered. The reason for this is that the terms "victim" and "victor" do not hold the same meaning for the subject as they would for the average individual. Not only that. It appears that Frieda is either uncertain of the meaning of the terms herself, or is unwilling consciously to accept the reversed definitions of the term provided by her subconscious.
What she in fact means is that she is a "victim" when her desire for a violent sexual session is not fulfilled, and that she is a "victor" if such sublimated wishes are realized and she becomes in fact the receptor of the violence she craves.
The peculiar nature of the subject's psyche is that she does not appear to enjoy the violence at the time of its commission, but relishes rather the memory of it, the reliving of it, so to speak, in her mind. In a way, her case could be compared to the case of a habitual masturbator who intersperses his or her autoerotic practices with an occasional participation in coital activities with a bona fide partner. Such an individual derives more pleasure from the masturbation, or appears to, than he does from hetero – or homosexual congress; although he or she utilizes the memory images of actual coupling for his masturbatory acts. Of course, Frieda does not appear to resort to masturbation for gratification of her sexual urges; rather, she attempts to seek out someone who will give substance to the memories that afford her a sensuous thrill. It is but suggested by her at the end of the preceding portion of her narrative that to attain orgasm she must simultaneously experience the coital act and the infliction of pain upon her body.
The psychology of masochism, as briefly described by Samuel G. Kling in his Sexual Behavior and the Law, sheds considerable light on Frieda L.'s case. Kling states:
… There are similarities between sadism and masochism, despite their apparent differences. Freud thought masochism a kind of sadism, turned against oneself, while sadism is a kind of masochism turned against others. Best illustrating the fact that sadism and masochism often co-exist in the same person is the following clinical observation:
"A. B… 35 years of age, a manual laborer, likes to be beaten and chained by his wife, and to surrender himself entirely to her. She satisfies her husband's desires only to a very limited extent, so that their sexual relationship does not permit a full expression of the man's feelings. For this reason, the man indulges in various acts of autosadism, notably by wounding himself with a knife, in order to produce a seminal emission. These wounds are made on the buttocks. He also frequently feels a desire to perform sadistic acts on his wife. From time to time, according to his means, he also visits prostitutes and indulges in flagellation. The two perversions never coincide, so that his desires are sometimes sadistic, at other times masochistic."
There can be almost no question that Frieda's masochism commenced with her preteen rape by the conniving pedophiliac. However, it was not so much the act of defloration that set off Frieda's suppressed desires for more of the same, but the form of address that the pedophiliac used while violating the girl. His almost incessant reference to her as "pretty rich kid", "pretty little rich kid", "little rich girl" and "pretty little girl" delivered in an obviously condemnatory or accusing manner, must account for the force that triggered Frieda's neurosis. She was, and is, aware of the fact that she was and is extremely attractive. It is an attractiveness, however, which she was forced to believe at the time of the rape as something undesirable, something for which she needed to be punished. Having had no sexual experience prior to her rape, she was emotionally terrorized by the violence, yet, most probably, had derived some natural physiological pleasure from the act. The result was a complex interacting of erroneous beliefs that there could be no pleasure unless there was an infliction of pain, or of some violence, involved, that beauty was a curse rewarded by such violent pleasure, and that in fact it was her lot to be punished for her attractiveness.
That Frieda holds a potential for masochism's "other face", that is, sadism, is suggested by her statement: "No guy had ever let me get on top like that before, and I was enjoying the experience." Granted, that it is a mild suggestion of a desire to turn the tables, so to speak, on "her curse", but it is a suggestion nevertheless. Her selection of Billy, apparently an attractive boy in her words, is an indication that there was some sort of subconscious rationalization on the subject's part that gender was not a factor in the "beauty is a cure" belief; consequently, it is not improbable that Frieda had an urge to master Billy in her seduction of him. Apparently, however, her masochistic inclinations were and are greater than her sadistic ones and it is not probable that she will ever succeed in a reversal of what must be termed her "perverse inclinations", mild though they are.