The Five Year Plan (1998)

'Since you put the invitation so graciously, I don't see how I can very well refuse you, Al.'

'You just stick with that attitude and you and I are going to get along just fine.'

They went inside the restaurant and straightaway ordered a couple of cervezas apiece, while they looked at the menu. After a few minutes Dave decided on the rice and the beans, while Al elected to have turtle, laughing unpleasantly as he made his selection.

He said, 'Jesus, I wish my kid Petey was here to see me eat this. Those fuckin' Ninja turtles he's always playing with, they drive me nuts. I hate the little green bastards. I hate the song, I hate the show, and I hate the characters. Leonardo. Donatello. What kind of a world are we buildin' for 'em, I ask ya? When a kid grows up and thinks that Michelangelo is a fuckin' turtle instead of a famous historical painter.'

'I had no idea you were so interested in art,' said Dave.

'All Italians are interested in great painters. It's part of our heritage. Soon as I get home I'm gonna tell him, I ate a fuckin' turtle.'

'But won't that upset him?'

'Damn right it'll upset him. Listen, you ain't a parent, you wouldn't understand. Thanks to Hollywood, there's hardly an animal that hasn't been turned into some cute little cartoon character. Whales, deer, rabbits, baby elephants, crabs, n' turtles.'

'A turtle isn't an animal. It's a reptile.'

'Whatever. Daddy, you can't eat Bambi. Hey son, just watch me.'

'But what's the point of that?'

'It's a tool for learning, that's what's the point. When you eat the animal you teach the kid about the real world. Half the problems kids have today are to do with their fuckin' fantasy worlds. Bite on reality, that's what I say. Food for thought. Helps 'em grow up. When I was a kid I saw my father kill chickens and turkeys all the time. My kids have never seen any kind of food killed. Not even a fish. Somethin' wrong there. I may not be able to kill the animal like my old man. But I can sure make a point of eating it when the opportunity arises.'

'You're a regular Doctor Spock, y'know that?'

'All these animal welfare whackos. Most of them have been reared on bullshit about little animals with cute personalities. Two things I want for my sons. I want them to know who the real Michelangelo was. And I don't want them growing up vegetarian. Vegetarian is for faggots.'

Dave said, 'Michelangelo was a faggot.'

'Says who?'

'Everyone. Look at the David?

'Bullshit. OK, if Michelangelo was a fag, would the Pope have had him redecorate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? I don't think so.'

Dave could see that Al wasn't about to be persuaded, so he just grinned and said, 'Lesbian trapped inside a woman's body, huh? Now that I can understand.'

Pleased to change the subject himself, Al laughed and said, 'Yeah. You should have seen the two of them party. They licked each other from end to end. I love to see that. That is such a beautiful sight. Man I bet Michelangelo would have painted that if he could have gotten away with it. What about you? Kind of a time did you have yourself?'

'Good,' said Dave. 'They were good.'

Al waited for details, but when none came he frowned and said, 'OK, here's the deal, wiseguy. We're down here on a repo. Fucker who owns the boat I've chartered? Guy by the name of Lou Malta. Malta owes Tony a shitload of money. What with the vig n'all it totals over a million bucks. Six months ago Malta was in Fort Lauderdale, paying his bills and everything was cool is the rule. Then next thing? He floats his ass down here without so much as a fuckin' postcard to Tony. Like he disappeared without a trace. But how's this for a co-fucking-incidence? Day after you pitch your outline to Naked Tony? The private dick he hired to find Malta's dumb ass e-mails Tony with the full longitude and latitude of his exact whereabouts. Like it was ordained that you should have this boat for your caper. Now Malta doesn't know me from John Doe but it would be best if we didn't tell him we just flew in from Miami and other eyebrow-raising shit like that. You keep your mouth shut and help me out here and the boat's yours for the long hot summer ahead.'

'Malta. You going to kill him, Al?'

'Not unless he makes it necessary.'

'Only I won't help you kill him.'

'Believe me, blood is not on today's menu.'

'Not even as a tool for learning?'

Al shrugged. 'Like I say, not unless he obliges me to do it.'

'What if I don't help you out?'

'Then I got a boat with no one to sail it back home. And you got no boat to pull your caper. Not to mention no ticket home.'

Dave nursed the cold cerveza in his hand for a moment wondering if he really had a choice.

'What kind of boat is it?'

Al took out his wallet, unfolded a black and white photocopy, and handed it over. 'A real beauty. Eighty feet, twenty beam, six draft. Powered by two 1,500-horsepower engines, she's got a top speed of about thirty-five knots.'

Dave noted the name painted on the stern in the picture. 'The Juarista,' he said. 'Vera Cruz. It figures.'

'That's all I know. That and the color. She's white.'

Dave said, 'White is good.' He chugged some beer down his throat. 'Shows the dirt, but still, it's good camouflage. It'll help us to blend in with all the other boats.' He smiled and folded up the picture. 'Can I keep this?'

'Be my guest.'

'So how d'you wanna play this, Al? You know, Malta might not be willing to give up his boat without a struggle. Then there's the paperwork. We'll need proper paperwork to get this boat onto SYT's next transatlantic voyage.'

'Paperwork was all taken care of when the boat was still parked in Lauderdale. Collateral for Malta's loan from Tony. Tony lent Malta the money when none of the banks would touch him. However I take your point. We're a long way from home and Malta might figure that gives him some liberties. I tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna get out to sea, just like we was a couple of tourists. We'll get away from shore, somewhere secluded I hope, put down some bait, like we really are going fishing. And then I'm gonna give him the Forbes Fact and Comment on how much his ass will be worth if he thinks he can fuck with Tony's portfolio.'

'Kind of like an investment analyst. I get it.' Dave finished the first beer and started the second. 'OK, I'll help you out with this on one condition.'

'I thought we already had that. No killing.'

'This is as well. I want you to let me do the talking.'

'What the fuck for? You don't think I can handle the dialogue on a simple repo?'

'I think you can handle it just fine. I just worry about all that fact and comment bullshit.' Dave shrugged and lit a cigarette. 'You're much too confrontational.'

'This is a repo we're talking about, not an AA group. Give me one of those cigarettes.' Al lit up angrily.

'Yeah, but you gotta understand human psychology, Al. You lip the guy and he'll react badly, just the same as if you were to put a gun to his head.'

'He's lucky I'm not gonna blow his fucking brains all over the deck.'

'But don't you see? You talk hard to him maybe you provoke him to do something dumb. He does something dumb, it almost guarantees a violent outcome to the situation.'

'What are you, a shrink all of a sudden?'

'I saw it a lot in prison. The way the guys got mad and the way some of the guards could talk them down. We want to do this thing peacefully, which is the way I want it. Then we've got to be subtle.'

'Oh yeah, yeah.' Al was laughing. 'This is the guy who blinded Willy Barizon in one eye with a fucking fountain pen. That was very subtle.'

'Haven't you heard the expression the pen is mightier than the sword? Well Willy wasn't armed with a sword, but with two guns. I'd say I was just about as subtle as I could be.'