Toward night-time, too tired to go any further or to look for a hiding place, he dug a trench in a ploughed field and covered himself with leaves, too weary and feverish to sleep. Late at night ethereal singing reached his ear from a very long distance away. He sat up to listen; it must be the night wind carrying the sound, as in the intervals of calm it could not be heard. Camões leapt out of the trench, and walked into the wind, stopping when it fell silent, continuing when it was audible again. But it became fainter and fainter, and it also began to rain and grew lighter and he found himself back in the same grey field. The wind had turned; even the wind and rain were conspiring against him. He spent a night in his trench. At night it began again: he pretended not to listen and gnawed a few roots; it became louder, he crawled deeper into his hole, but it continued and finally he lifted his head. There was not a breath of wind, so that the wind could not mislead him; he went cautiously in the direction of the sound, and realized he was walking along the bed of a stream. Suddenly the sound stopped, but he continued to follow the stream and came to a high wall. He felt his way along it, but his hands found no door; suddenly the ground gave way and he found himself knee-deep in the water. He now started exploring the wall in the other direction. Again he finished in the stream, but noticed that it was not becoming any deeper; also, the moon was rising, so that he ventured farther. Finally the wall turned inwards. In the moonlight he could see a small dome, just above the water: a slender arched roof on six thin pillars, between which wound chains of flowers that occasionally twirled in the wind.
With a great effort he hoisted himself into the dome, after which he had to lie still to get his breath back. When he stood up, he saw that his dirty, wet clothes had left the crude outline of his body on the mosaic of the floor. It was as if he suddenly saw his present appearance in a mirror; he tried to wipe away the smudge from the white floor, was unable to and for a moment melancholy overcame his dulled state of mind, before being dispelled by the urge to go on.
An extremely narrow bridge had been built across three or four boulders to the shore, without any railings. Below, the waves were churning around the rocks. He walked unsteadily across and again was met by a wall. In the centre was a barred oval opening, with creepers trailing up the bars, and beyond was the green vista of a garden.
He shook the bars one by one, but they would not budge. Why did he want to go inside, where it might be a prison? After all, there was no more awful prison than the hunger and loneliness of the outside world! He slipped as he was holding the outermost bar; the bars turned, and he tumbled into the garden. The gate closed behind him, branches and bunches of leaves forced him back, and there was scarcely room for him between the wall and the outermost bushes; hitherto unknown scents alarmed him like the presentiment of an existence subject to such severe conditions that he could never live up to them.
CHAPTER 5
I
IF ONE COULD EVOKE DEATH as easily as love by thinking of it, then every night many would go to bed and never rise again. But the body is too powerfuclass="underline" at the slightest movement, the grasping of a gun, the pouring of a few drops into a glass, it rebels and asserts its sluggishness and its attachment to the earth, perhaps most of all when grievously ill. Fortunately the spirit can detach itself, if not immediately for ever, and can cross the river of oblivion, leave suffering behind on the near shore and once back with the body can no longer recognize what it had endured in its company, in its imprisonment.
Especially when one had just crossed an ocean, seeing and smelling nothing but water, sky and rotting wood, and had then been bewildered by a three-day storm and weeks of hunger and wandering. Perhaps among the plants growing round about there were ten deadly poisons. I didn’t pick them.
When I finally got up again, dead leaves and clumps of earth rolled off me, a cloud of insects zoomed into the air and long worms crawled lazily down my legs.
The parasites fled the body that had one foot in the grave but no longer wanted to be a corpse. Between the wall and the trees was a narrow, deep path that could be negotiated only sideways and even then the body had to scrape its way along the wall as if it were blind as a bat. The branches with their thorns and snags tore my ragged clothes to shreds; nettles caused an itching and burning rash on those parts of my skin that had been spared by the mosquitoes.
After this battering I finally found myself in a clearing in the trees that had once been open; dead tree trunks had fallen at right angles across each other, and a dense mesh of thick creepers crossed the space at head height. On the far side an avenue opened up. I struggled through this too. I went down the avenue and stood before a single-storey building, dilapidated but made of stone. It was the hunting lodge where I had had a rendezvous with her. Apart from that I knew nothing. It could be summer or autumn, probably the latter, as I was shivering and was covered in cold dew.
Inside it would be warm and safe from insects, solitary, without people on all sides, without the din I had heard in the island villages, the meaning of which I was ignorant of. The door was closed, but the window at the back was usually open, as it was now. Diana would probably not come here any more. All the better. It had been rebuilt inside, and all the rooms were interconnecting. It was better before, when they all opened onto a courtyard; you know where you are like that, and you can close the door behind you, and escape if you are taken by surprise. No matter: the big rough wooden bed was there; in a jug there was water, green and ill-smelling; it was no good for thirst, but did serve to dab the most inflamed spots.
Trembling hands stripped my body of what tatters were still hanging about me, and a pile of material lay on the ground. Nothing was left of the man who had sailed forth to cover himself in glory, only the bruised, emaciated body. All I had left with which to cover my shame was a deeper, heavier sleep that still lay on me when I woke.
I could not move a muscle. Through the blinds chinks of light, criss-cross and parallel like a trellis, picked out a figure squatting by the wall opposite me staring intently with sparkling green eyes. A smell hung about the room: not incense, but heavier and more pungent…
I lay motionless, for hours, not out of fear of the guard, but for fear of breaching the wall of silence, and tumbling back into an existence I hoped to have done with.
The blind flew open at a sudden gust of wind. In the niche where the statue of St Sebastian had been sat a saint very unlike the emaciated and contorted figures with ascetic limbs and ecstatic, deathly pale, hollow-eyed faces that I had up to now taken for saints. This seemed to be a mockery of my old acquaintances and the situation in which I found myself.
I got up, and saw Sebastian suddenly retreat far into the wall of the room; he seemed to have suffered greatly since I had last seen him, when he had been close to death, which must now lie far behind him. I went up to him: in the past I had had an aversion to him, but now I felt sympathy. He must have felt this, since he responded to me. Yet I was frightened of him, and stretched out my hand, I don’t know whether to greet him or ward him off. It was my own form, seen in a weathered mirror. I turned round; the fat saint was still sitting immovably on a low chair, his fingertips touching but with a belly that flopped over his thighs, and a fat grin around his mouth, as if, making fun of his own saintliness, he had consumed a heavy meal and was already looking forward to the next. The hunting trophies, elk antlers and bear and fox pelts had been removed. A wide painted screen hung down, as far as I could see depicting an old man, bald, with long moustaches, riding on a small horse and holding out a book at the end of a bending stick to two bowing figures on the other side of a purple river: all that could be transmitted to those left behind from his onward-moving life. In the place of the lances and swords hung fans and peacocks’ tails. The ponderous old furniture was replaced by slender and shiny lacquered items, including some whose purpose was incomprehensible to me. One would have to acquire a different bearing and different attitudes to be able to live with them.