I pointed out that it was, like, still illegal, and that I preferred not to go to prison, because when any unknown old master painting showed up at auction, not to mention a Velázquez, people would ask questions, there were forensic tests…but he waved his hand in the air, brushing away flies.
“First of all,” he said, “there is no question of any auctions. This will be a strictly private sale, for cash. And as far as forensics go, I have people who are experts in this, they will advise you. Besides this, there is no illegality without a complaint, and there will be no complaint. The clients will be happy, you will be happy, I will be happy, even Mr. Slade here will be happy. Happiness all around, what could be wrong with that?”
“Nothing, I guess. Look, no offense, but this is a little strange for me. Can I think about it a little before I decide?”
So Krebs kind of leans forward and makes a little tent with his hands, and now he has a different kind of smile.
He said, “My friend, you put me in something of an uncomfortable position. Arrangements have been made with various people on the understanding that you are agreed on this project. Monies have been advanced, and the kind of people who advance monies for such a thing are not the Deutsche Bank. Also, you are now privy to the plan. If I now go back to my people and say, well, Wilmot will not do it, then I am in big trouble and, I am very much afraid, so are you and so is your friend Mark. Here we are in beautiful Venice, the home of the oubliette, you know? The little hole in the floor where you drop the fellow who has become inconvenient? You wait for the right tide, of course, and all your errors are flushed away by the sea. I’m sad to say I have very unforgiving partners.”
It was the kind of situation where you can’t really believe it’s happening to you, and I kind of chuckled, like he was a big kidder, and said, “Who are these partners?”
He kept smiling, as at an idiot child: no, we mustn’t stick the fork in the wall socket, dear.
“They prefer to remain silent partners, very discreet people, these partners. In any case I urge you to reconsider your position. Really, it’s a choice between being rich and happy or else all three of us floating out into the laguna.”
“What about Franco? Is he going to float too?”
I looked at Franco, who was standing in the corner with his arms folded. He gave me a white-toothed smile too. Everyone was happy except Mark, who looked like a piece of old Gorgonzola.
Krebs said, “Oh, Franco! Franco will be fine. Franco doesn’t work for me, you see. He is a representative of the interests I was just discussing. In fact, I believe he would actually participate in the disposals, should they become necessary. With great regret, I’m sure.”
He clapped his hands; Mark jumped an inch off his cushion.
“But…why are we dwelling on hypothetical unpleasantness? You will do the job, yes?”
I nodded. “Now that you put it in those terms…I would be happy to.”
He said, “Excellent!” and extended his hand, and we shook.
“And now you are in the great Venetian tradition of contrafazzione, in which I believe you have already begun with your marvelous Tiepolo. Wilmot, I don’t think you have yet understood that now you have entered a completely different mode of being. Before this you belonged to the world of people who wait in lines like sheep, at the tram, at the airport, and scrabble for a living because there is never enough, and eat shit every day. You have before now wasted yourself making pictures for magazines and have had to wait in the anterooms of men who are not fit to clean your boots. And when you became ill, or your children became ill, then you also had to wait, wait for some doctor to give you a moment of his so valuable time. You have a sick child, yes? You have no idea of what it will now be like for you and this child. The finest care, the finest! Clinics in Switzerland…do you need organs? Expensive drugs? There is no question you will get what you require, and with a smile too, and with no delay.”
I said something stupid about the forgery business having a good health care plan. He ignored me; he was in full flood and went on for quite a while about the difference between the proles and their masters, and all about how the masters deserved the art and the proles didn’t, and how wonderful it was going to be for me, probably not a set of opinions you’d be likely to hear in New York society, but maybe I was wrong, maybe this was how these people talked all the time when people like me weren’t around. It was an interesting change, anyway, from hanging around with rich liberals. And then he said something that really got to me.
He said, “You are a great artist, Wilmot, and now that we have discovered one another you will fulfill your destiny, you will be my Velázquez. This is what you have wanted your whole life-to paint like this and be rewarded for it, am I not right?”
And, you know, he was. That’s what I wanted. That is what I’d always wanted, and never knew until that moment.
I said, “And you’re the king of Spain.”
He nodded and said, “Yes. I am the king of Spain.” No irony. We were in an irony-free zone, which I also found strange and bracing.
And I said, “Okay, Your Majesty. Where do you want this painting done? Here in Venice?”
And he said, “No, in Rome, of course. It’s all arranged.”
Slotsky and I went out to the launch and boarded it, and as soon as we’d cleared the dock I turned to him and said, “Well, Mark, you really know how to show a girl a good time.”
“Jesus Christ, Wilmot! Do you think I knew what that crazy fucker was going to propose? I just thought he was going to give you another restoration job. Do you think I like being threatened with fucking death? I’m an art dealer, for crying out loud! I thought I was going to crap in my pants there.”
“Don’t bullshit me, buddy. I think we’re way the fuck out of the bullshitting regions now. I’ve heard a little about Herr Krebs from another source; he’s not just your everyday old masters dealer, and if I knew it, so did you. You set this whole thing up, but you were too chickenshit to let me in on it before he proposed it and it was too late. Why? Because you knew goddamn well I would never have come if I’d known. So spill!”
He said, “I swear to God I didn’t know he was talking about a forgery. I never would have gotten you into this if-”
I stepped closer to him, put my arm around his shoulders, and grabbed his near arm.
“Let me interrupt you here, Mark,” I said, close to his ear. “I am angry. I’m a mild kind of guy, but like many mild guys, when I blow my top I’m out of control. I’m shaking from the adrenaline and I probably have the superhuman strength you read about, and so, my little man, if you don’t fucking level with me about Krebs and this whole deal, I am going to pick you up and throw you over the side of this vessel.”
And after a little struggle, out it came, because I really would have tossed him in the drink, and he knew it. I think it was the four-thousand-dollar suit and the five-hundred-dollar shoes more than the fear of actually drowning.
“Okay, here’s the whole thing,” he said. “First, what do you know about art theft?”
“Enough to know that ninety-five percent of it is bozos grabbing pictures off the wall and running out the door. Most museum security is a joke.”