“Dead,” I say for him. “You can say it, River. It’s what I’ve been working on here. Talking about what happened… and accepting it without turning to… well, her.”
He nods, thinking he knows exactly what I’m talking about. “So that’s good then, right? It means you can get out of this place soon?” He shudders as he glances around the room. “This place is so… unsettling.”
“It could be worse,” I say, but I can almost taste my freedom. So close. “But yeah, hopefully within the next few weeks or so I’ll be able to leave.”
“Good.” He pauses, considering something, then reaches across the table and grazes his finger along one of the pinkish white scars on my arm, one of the leftover wound from the fire. “I’m glad you’re getting rid of… her.”
I want to ask him if he’s sure about that, but I don’t. I learned Lily is a touchy subject for him when I asked him if he remembered her being at the house that day, just to see what he knew about what happened. He’s immediately tensed and then said something along the lines of, “I saw that she was close to you that day, but I don’t think she was controlling you completely.”
How wrong he was and is.
I decide to keep my lips sealed, not wanting to make it so I stay in here any longer, and sit back and listen as he starts chatting lightly about other stuff, like school and work. I study him the whole time, wondering why he doesn’t fear me after everything that happened. How can he not fear the madness within me and it makes me wonder if maybe, somewhere down the road, he and I can perhaps be together. He does have some potential.
I hardly say anything during the rest of the visit and then give him a hug before he leaves. When he pulls back he gives me a quick kiss on the cheek, then on the lips, surprising me. “When you get out, you can always stay with me until you find a place,” he says, brushing a strand of black hair out of my eyes and tucking it behind my ear.
“That sounds nice,” I tell him and then kiss him again, leaving him a little stunned but dazedly happy and I can’t help but think about how much fun this could be. He and I when he’s like this.
After he’s gone, I go back to my room, a small space with a single bed and a dresser, but it’s better than any of the other places I was locked up. After I shut the door behind me, I glance inside my notebook, seeing what she wrote today. The pages are filled up with I’m not a killer, over and over again.
I chuckle at her attempts, then put the notebook and pencil away and go up to the mirror on the wall. I stare at my reflection; short black hair, unfamiliar eyes, the strangeness of my smile. I wish I could change my looks, but I can’t, at least right now.
“Please stop doing this,” my reflection says to me. “Please, this isn’t right—they’re going to find out I’m not me.”
“You really think so,” I say, smoothing my hands over my hair. “Personally, I think I do a good job being you.” I pause as Maddie shouts at me, banging her hands on the mirror, wanting to get control of her body again. “I don’t know why you’re so upset,” I say as she breathes fiercely. “I killed to save you—everything I did was to save you. And besides, I’ve been trapped in there long enough. It’s time for me to come out again, like before.”
“You’ll do it again.” She starts to cry. “I can feel it… how much you want to hurt people… now that you have control.”
I shrug. “I’m not sure yet what I’ll do, but just remember, the people I hurt, always hurt us first.”
“Lily!” she screams, trying to claw her way to the surface and take control of her body, I step away and block her out, knowing that if I let it go on for too long, she’ll get control of me again and then I’ll be stuck inside her.
And I’m not going to lose control again.
Ever again.