and the fucking shin, and then he could fucking feel the fucking death creeping up him, and he couldn’t fucking get comfortable with the temperature in the room, his fucking sick chamber, like one minute he was hot, and if that wasn’t fucking predictable, well, what the fuck wasn’t predictable, because it was the fucking desert, and who cared if it was almost dawn, if it was the fucking desert, and it was hot until the winter, fucking desert fucking inferno, and it was a hundred fucking degrees fucking Fahrenheit, and so he was probably fucking hot because it was fucking hot, but what about when he was fucking cold, didn’t seem so good, and he said he was cold, he called out to Vienna that he was fucking cold, he couldn’t fucking get warm; he was pretty sure that he said he was fucking cold, but she didn’t come, and no one came to deal with the fact of how fucking cold he was, not Vienna, not his father, and he lay there on the fucking bed, and maybe this was what fucking expiration felt like, like death was some kind of material that you could feel fucking infiltrating you a little bit at a time, like death was a fucking radioactive element or something, like americium or polonium or barium or one of those fucking radioactive elements that only survived for a fucking millisecond, except that it survived when it was laying waste to your bloodstream, fucking death, the thing that survived only when it was in a bloodstream, in a fucking circulatory system, you could see it fucking gathering its force and laying waste to you, and then you knew your fucking time was come, and maybe that was when Vienna heard him crying out about the blanket, Give me a fucking blanket for godsakes because I’m fucking dying in here! I’m so fucking cold! and then she appeared or someone fucking appeared, spread a fucking blanket out on him, and he wasn’t cold, and maybe the fucking radioactive death particles would be held at fucking bay for a little bit longer, unless on the other hand death were just this bacterial thing, and the bacterial colonies were fucking massing in him, and the fucking bacterial colonies were outnumbering the colonies of benevolent cells that were Jean-Paul Koo, until there would be no him left, just fucking bacteria, and there would be so much of it that any person who touched him would rub off a piece of him, and his limbs would fucking come off, like if you just pulled on his leg a tiny fucking little bit, his leg would just come off of him, and it had fucking served him so well, this leg, taken him just about every fucking place he’d ever gone, except for the places that his fucking car had taken him, when he could afford the thirty-one dollars a fucking gallon or whatever it was (but by the time you read this it will probably be thirty-six) that you had to pay to algae up the car, but the leg had fucking taken him every other fucking place, like back when he still played a little lacrosse, when he was fucking good, his legs had done it, had carried him from one end to the other of the pitch, his fucking arms had carried the stick and cradled that little jewel at the center of the game; you know how when you are eating a chicken, and the chicken is like way overcooked or whatever, then you just pull on the fucking wing, you fucking yank, and the whole thing just comes right off, and death was just fucking exactly like that, it cooked him until he was like some kind of chicken from the Chicken Shack that you could just fucking rip right apart, and he had fucking overheard his father whispering to some guy, like some government fucking guy, because there were all these fucking government guys, at least this was what he fucking thought, that it wasn’t any fucking dream, because he wasn’t a dreamer, because he wanted to know the fucking truth, not some decorated version; what was good about the morning? When you woke up, you lived in the truth, and he knew that, and what he had fucking overheard was this fucking idea that his body was going to disassemble, that was the shorthand, that was living in the truth, and he fucking didn’t want Vienna to see his body disassemble, and why had he fucking gone out into the fucking desert to have fucking sex anyhow, because he could have done so many fucking other things. His fucking business needed fucking attention, because he needed a fucking capital infusion, you know? All the seed money, well, it was all going over to China or fucking India, and where the fuck could he get the money, especially if he spent all his fucking time graduating from fucking high school or out in the desert having sex? Well, they fucking said that it couldn’t be done, his business, and his father always felt like he could have done better monetizing the patents, and if the incubation of the fucking M. thanatobacillus was so fucking long, then maybe there would be time, anyway, to file some fucking patents before his body disassembled and started crawling around trying to strangle people or kick people in the ass, and when Vienna had been here, last night, she’d said he looked fine, and he could tell that he couldn’t talk right anymore, and that he was having trouble pronouncing some sounds, like you know, the sh sound, it was fucking hard, you know, but when she went to the bathroom, he used one of the surgical gloves that his father had left around for him, and he borrowed her compact, and all he could say was that he fucking looked like Jean-Paul Koo, but he looked like the nasal inhaler version of Jean-Paul Koo, you know? Like he was all fucked on OxyPlus or something, had not fucking eaten for ten days and was mostly locked away in someone’s dungeon or something, and he knew she was trying to say that it would be all right, because at least on Mars the fucking thing was supposed to take about a month and a half or more, and during the time before your fucking body disassembled you had time to get your affairs in order, and even if you were a fucking kid and you didn’t have all that fucking many affairs, at least you were free of like big debt, or whatever else, like fucking ex-wives or fucking children, there was just you, and your fucking business that you would leave to your fucking dad, and maybe part of it to the ridiculously hot Vienna fucking Roberts, or whatever, before your body disassembled. The stupid fucking sentimental thing, that was what really pissed him off, was when he fucking gave in, like it was all chemistry, there was this fucking cell, and it fucking divided or it didn’t fucking divide, and there was a lot of carbon, and there were some vitamin D receptors, who knew what the fuck else, the cells needed protein, and then there was this bacteria, and then why all the fucking sentimental stuff, like everything he’d ever smelled in his life, like the fucking bowl of chicken soup of his childhood was so fucking beautiful, every fucking ice cream cone, now that it was a thing that might fucking be gone, and the sunlight in the desert, what was fucking more fucking beautiful, and he was so fucking lucky to have these days, the days where the light on the Santa Catalina Mountains got seen by him, and to have seen the clouds sweeping through that amber sunlight on the fucking mountains, and to have been able to fucking see a fucking mountain lion that one time, in the hills out by Mount Kelsey, traversing its eight miles or whatever, and hopefully it was killing one more jogger on its fucking way, so lucky to have been the one who got to see the mountain lion, which was fucking specializing in not fucking being seen by anyone, and then he fucking got to see the cactus blossoms, again, the saguaro blossoms, the Mexican poppy, just a couple months ago, and he got to see all the shit that got swept up by the monsoons and deposited down in the washes, whole encampments of nomads washed downstream, it was a fucking catastrophe, and catastrophe is a beautiful thing, a thing that must be seen, and whatever the fuck else, it was fucking great, because it’s real, merciless nature, and what was more beautiful than that, and it was all reminding him of his mother, that was the fucking sentimental thing, and it was fucking pathetic; you should just fucking think about fucking blood and bacteria and fucking human fecal material, or the fucking waves of bugs that fucking ate your body, or whatever, every time you were tempted to be sentimental, you needed to think about those things, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t keep fucking thinking that he was seeing his mother in the corners of the room, back from before she was really gone; he could remember some spectral or fucking ghostly part of her life, when she was still walking around, from when he was really fucking small, and maybe this thing, the disassembling Jean-Paul, the inevitable fucking disassembling Jean-Paul, made him closer to the ghost of his fucking mother, and the fucking heat and the fucking cold, and the fucking fever, and these all made him closer to his mother, wherever his mother was, and if he could fucking summon his fucking mother, just this one time, if fucking death could just yield up its predictable qualities, its eternal and endless predictability, just one time, just yield up one bit of maternal wisdom, for one fucking second, then he would totally repent of all that he’d done, like when he fucking complained about having to take care of her when she was bedridden, he would repent, he would fucking repent if the relentlessly predictable scientific qualities of death would give way to the childish sentimentality, and his mother could come to him and could fucking tell him what to expect of the next month, if he even had a fucking month. She could tell him what to expect, like what do you expect from it, why does it have to be this thing where no one will tell you what to expect? Does it make any sense that no one will fucking tell you? Why does it have to be like that? Like all the pleasures of his short fucking life, or of any fucking life, were just the thing that was to distract you from the fact that no one could tell you about this one thing, they just couldn’t tell you about the time and place of the end of you, of your impact on this fucking dark world, and his mother could tell him, even if it was cheesy, his wanting his fucking mother to just fucking turn up one fucking time, was it so much to ask? Couldn’t his dead mother just like turn up one fucking time, at the advent of his fucking death, and tell him one thing? He writhed in the bed with it, his cement limbs trembled with it, injustice, the ungodly injustice, the rank injustice of the silence of illness and death, and even when he trembled with it, there was no result, and no point to all of it, except that this was just what was happening right now, and there was no explication, except that he was alone with it, until the knock at the door.