And they both fell silent for a while, staring at the sky, deep in thought, with Mary resting her head on Ashley’s shoulder, his thoughts and memories seeping into her like a warming stew on a cold day. She saw a green sky with a moon hanging low and dominant in the heavens, and small houses like igloos dotted about a rocky landscape.
“Do you ever think about going home?” she asked in a quiet voice.
“Reading’s my home,” he replied.
They returned only ten minutes after setting out, before Mary’s exhaled carbon dioxide had time to make itself known. Ashley piloted the small craft back to the same estate in Pangbourne, where, after knocking over the birdbath and hitting the sides of the garage several times, he finally managed to park.
“That was amazing,” said Mary, giggling like a schoolgirl.
“Uh-oh.”
“What?”
“We’ve got a problem. I think the birdbath damaged a thermal exhaust port… or something. Quick!”
He grasped her hand, and they jumped out of the pliable skin of the globe onto the dusty floor of the garage, then outside, where they got as far as the other side of the street when there was a whoomp noise and they were knocked over by a blue ring of light that shot out in all directions as the globe exploded.
“Oh, dear,” said Ashley, picking himself up and walking back to his parents’ house, which had been badly shaken by the concussion. The walls had cracked, and the roof had lost several dozen tiles. The garage itself had ceased to exist—except for a few tattered walls. Of the globe there was nothing. Isolated fires had been set alight on the lawn, which helpful neighbors were already stamping out.
“Was that you, Ashley?” asked Roger, who was standing at the off-kilter doorway of the house, wig askew and one slipper blown off.
“I cannot tell a lie, Father—Mary was driving. She wanted to have a go, so I let her, but her binary is a bit rusty, and… well, there you have it.”
“Is this true?” asked Roger, staring at Mary.
“No,” said Ashley before Mary could answer. “And I think I broke your birdhouse, too.”
Ashley’s father turned a paler blue. “You’re banished, young man,” he said sternly, jabbing the remains of his pipe in Ashley’s direction. “I think you’d better take Miss Mary home and not return for at least a week.”
Ashley bowed low. “I take my punishment with good grace. Thank you, Father.”
He looked at his Datsun, which had been blown onto its side.
“I think we’d better take the bus.”
“Wait a minute,” said Mary, picking her way across the wreckage to the front door and inside, where Abigail was staring sadly at the plaster ducks, now in several pieces. “Thank you for dinner, Mrs. 1001111001000100111011100100. It was most enjoyable.”
“Oh!” said Abigail happily. “Well, you must come again. It’s been a pleasure meeting you.”
“Yes, indeed,” added Roger kindly. “Our house is your house. Sorry about Ashley. He’s always been a bit difficult.”
“The last one out of the egg sac,” added Abigail with a sigh, by way of explanation.
“…saw the first launch of the Proteus…” muttered Uncle Colin, speaking from beneath the print of The Hay Wain, which had fallen on top of him.
“What did she call you?” whispered Roger as they stood at the front door and waved good-bye.
“I’m not sure,” Abigail whispered back. “Something about how her prawns have asthma.”
“So,” said Mary as they walked away from the smoldering ruin of his parents’ house, “where are you going to stay tonight?”
“I’ll sneak back and sleep in the potting shed,” he said after a moment’s reflection. “It’s relatively undamaged.”
“I’ve a spare ceiling,” said Mary. “You can stick yourself to that if you want.”
“Well, o-o-kay,” said Ashley a bit suspiciously. “But if you’re trying to invite me home for sex on a first date, I don’t have a penis, so you might be a bit disappointed. Then again, you haven’t got a 1010111010101, so I might be, too.”
Mary hid a smile. “I’ll try and resist the temptation to jump you, Ash.”
But then he saw the funny side and relaxed, and made several of those squeaky-toy-being-sat-upon laughs.
“Your offer is very generous,” he replied, and went several different shades of blue in rapid succession, “I accept.”
“You know what?” asked Mary as they walked toward the main road and the bus stop.
“What?”
“That was the best date I’ve ever had.”
“All of it?” asked Ashley in surprise. “Even my dopey parents? And the wig and the Binary Scrabble and exploding Travelator and stuff?”
“All of it.”
“I’m very glad,” he said at last. “Do you want to come on another date sometime? Somewhere better and classier and more fun?”
“I’d like that a lot,” replied Mary. “Where are we going? The moon? Venus?”
“Somewhere much better,” replied Ashley happily. “Some of the original members of the Stylistics are re-forming, and my dopey sister reckons she can get tickets.”
30. The Punches Make Peace
Most successful tooth fairy: The most active fairy ever in the Berkshire regional milk-tooth-harvesting department was Grundle Arturo Pipsqueak VIII (license number 6382/6Y), who collected a grand total of 6,732 milk teeth during 1996, at a total cost of £2,201.36p (less expenses), an average unit cost of 32.7p. The record remains unlikely to be beaten due to (1) the declining demand for maracas, the chief end-use product of milk teeth, and (2) stiff competition from Far Eastern tooth fairies, who can procure the same quantity for almost one-fiftieth the cost.
—The Bumper Book of Berkshire Records, 2004 edition
Before Jack had even had a chance to recover from the blow with the rolling pin, the back door opened again and Madeleine came out, her face crimson with anger.
“You miserable, unreal piece of crap!” she screamed at the top of her voice, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I trusted you!”
Jack tried to say something, but she cut him short.
“Don’t try to explain yourself. If I were you, I’d start looking for a good divorce lawyer!” She went back inside and banged the door shut after her.
“Phew!” said Caliban as he hopped down from the trash can.
“Kind of serves you right. I mean, swapping Madeleine for Agatha Diesel? You must be nuts.”
“I didn’t.”