Jack smiled, opened his cell phone and dialed home. Madeleine would want to know he was all right, but, more important, he just wanted to hear her voice.
DCI Jack Spratt was unanimously declared “more or less sane” by a medical review board and was reinstated as head of the Nursery Crime Division. He received a Distinguished Conduct Award for his expert tackling of the Gingerbreadman. He continues to live and work in Reading.
PC Ashley was taken home, patched, refilled with rambosia vitae and had his memories uploaded from his memory jar. Due to the infrequency with which he had conducted backups, the last two weeks of his life were irretrievably lost. He still works at the NCD, has no idea why he was awarded the Ursidae Order of Friendship and hopes one day to pluck up enough courage to ask Mary out for a date.
DS Mary Mary was not charged or reprimanded over her “lewd behavior.” It was decided that jurisdiction could not be firmly established, since the offense occurred 220 miles above the Atlantic Ocean in an advanced form of alien technology at twelve times the speed of sound. She continues to work at the Nursery Crime Division and hopes that Ashley might once again ask her out for a date.
Nick Demetrios died from multiple crush injuries. The recovered briefcase contained notes relating to the highly improbable idea of using auto-deuterium-extracting cucumbers as fuel for a Cold Ignition Fusion reaction. Such an idea is quite impossible and belongs in the realms of loony pseudoscience. The briefcase also included a pickle, presumably his lunch. It was consigned to the waste-bin.
Professor McGuffin, despite being hazily identified by DS Mary, remains officially dead. Two years after Nick Demetrios’s death, a garden near Madrid erupted into a fireball that fused soil and melted iron. No suitable explanation has yet been forthcoming, but Dr. Parks is investigating.
Punch and Judy sold their house next to Jack and Madeleine, explaining that they wanted to go and make some noise next to some real neighbors. They were last heard of making an appalling nuisance of themselves in Slough and continue to be the finest marriage counselors in the Southeast.
Sherman Bartholomew retired from politics and returned to his legal practice in Reading. He now specializes wholly in nursery law, and does pro bono work for bears. He is currently defending Tarquin Majors on charges of smuggling forty thousand gallons of surplus Europorridge to needy bears in Eastern Splotvia.
SommeWorld is still behind schedule, but problems should be ironed out “by Christmas.” Despite this, Mr. Haig insists “the situation is favorable.”
Josh Hatchett remains a staunch supporter of the NCD and backs it fully in all its undertakings. The job of uninformed criticism of the NCD has been taken over by Hector Sleaze of The Mole.
The Great Long Red-Legg’d Scissor-man was sentenced to eight years for assault but was released over a technicality. His whereabouts are unknown. The NCD has issued a bulletin exhorting children not to suck their thumbs, just in case.
The Gingerbreadman’s hospital uniform, fountain pen, thumb, elephant gun and a single glacé cherry eye can now be viewed in a special exhibition at Reading Museum, along with his original seven-foot-high cutter, and declassified Project Ginja Assassin material, kindly loaned by the QuangTech Trust (Foss), PLC.
Mr. and Mrs. Bruin survived the attack on their lives and have returned to their cottage. They received counseling from the Punch™ marriage counselors and are delighted to report that there are now only two beds in the house. They continue to eat porridge and take long walks in the forest.
My thanks to:
John Wooten of Oak Ridge, Tennessee, for his assistance in matters regarding physics and atoms and fusion and suchlike.
Elmarie Stodart of Cape Town, who coined the “right to arm bears” phrase, which lent itself well to the novel.
Bill Mudron and Dylan Meconis of Portland, Oregon, for their excellent frontispiece and work on my postcards and merchandising. Further examples of their artwork can be found at www.thequirkybird.com (Dylan), www.excelsiorstudios.net/ (Bill).
Also to:
Mari Roberts, who once again puts up with a partner who is in residential absentia for five months of the year.
Carolyn Mays and Molly Stern, two editors cut from the finest cloth, who never push me that hard, even when the manuscript is the teeniest-weeniest bit late.
Gretchen Koss and Emma Longhurst, the best publicity gurus in the known galaxy, whom I am lucky to have.
The unsung multitudes at Hodder and Penguin Group (USA), who have been so utterly supportive of my efforts.
Tif Loehnis, Eric Simonoff and all the hardworking associates at Janklow and Nesbit, without whom I would as likely as not still be making Snicketty-Dicketty breakfast cereal commercials, and hating it.
And:
To the master himself, Jonathan Swift, for the initial inspiration for this noveclass="underline"
He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which were to be put in vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers.
—Gulliver’s Travels, “A Voyage to Laputa”
Author’s Note
The Nursery Crime Division, the Reading Police Department and the Oxford & Berkshire constabulary in this book are entirely fictitious, and any similarities to authentic police procedures, protocol or forensic techniques are entirely coincidental, and quite unintentional.
ALSO BY JASPER FFORDE
The Eyre Affair
Lost in a Good Book
The Well of Lost Plots
Something Rotten
The Big Over Easy