Somewhere, she felt—but, alas! still out of reach—was the life she longed for, a life in which high chances of doing should be mated with the finer forms of enjoying. But what title had she to a share in such an existence? Why, none but her sense of what it was worth—and what did that count for, in a world which used all its resources to barricade itself against all its opportunities? She knew there were girls who sought, by what is called a “good” marriage, an escape into the outer world, of doing and thinking—utilizing an empty brain and full pocket as the key to these envied fields. Some such chance the life at Lynbrook seemed likely enough to offer—one is not, at Justine’s age and with her penetration, any more blind to the poise of one’s head than to the turn of one’s ideas; but here the subtler obstacles of taste and pride intervened. Not even Bessy’s transparent manœuvrings, her tender solicitude for her friend’s happiness, could for a moment weaken Justine’s resistance. If she must marry without love—and this was growing conceivable to her—she must at least merge her craving for personal happiness in some view of life in harmony with hers.
A tap on her door interrupted these musings, to one aspect of which Bessy Amherst’s entrance seemed suddenly to give visible expression.
“Why did you run off, Justine? You promised to be downstairs when I came back from tennis.”
“Till you came back—wasn’t it, dear?” Justine corrected with a smile, pushing her armchair forward as Bessy continued to linger irresolutely in the doorway. “I saw that there was a fresh supply of tea in the drawing-room, and I knew you would be there before the omnibus came from the station.”
“Oh, I was there—but everybody was asking for you–-“
“Everybody?” Justine gave a mocking lift to her dark eyebrows.
“Well—Westy Gaines, at any rate; the moment he set foot in the house!” Bessy declared with a laugh as she dropped into the armchair.
Justine echoed the laugh, but offered no comment on the statement which accompanied it, and for a moment both women were silent, Bessy tilting her pretty discontented head against the back of the chair, so that her eyes were on a level with those of her friend, who leaned near her in the embrasure of the window.
“I can’t understand you, Justine. You know well enough what he’s come back for.”
“In order to dazzle Hanaford with the fact that he has been staying at Lynbrook!”
“Nonsense—the novelty of that has worn off. He’s been here three times since we came back.”
“You are admirably hospitable to your family–-“
Bessy let her pretty ringed hands fall with a discouraged gesture. “Why do you find him so much worse than—than other people?”
Justine’s eyebrows rose again. “In the same capacity? You speak as if I had boundless opportunities of comparison.”
“Well, you’ve Dr. Wyant!” Mrs. Amherst suddenly flung back at her.
Justine coloured under the unexpected thrust, but met her friend’s eyes steadily. “As an alternative to Westy? Well, if I were on a desert island—but I’m not!” she concluded with a careless laugh.
Bessy frowned and sighed. “You can’t mean that, of the two—?” She paused and then went on doubtfully: “It’s because he’s cleverer?”
“Dr. Wyant?” Justine smiled. “It’s not making an enormous claim for him!”
“Oh, I know Westy’s not brilliant; but stupid men are not always the hardest to live with.” She sighed again, and turned on Justine a glance charged with conjugal experience.
Justine had sunk into the window-seat, her thin hands clasping her knee, in the attitude habitual to her meditative moments. “Perhaps not,” she assented; “but I don’t know that I should care for a man who made life easy; I should want some one who made it interesting.”
Bessy met this with a pitying exclamation. “Don’t imagine you invented that! Every girl thinks it. Afterwards she finds out that it’s much pleasanter to be thought interesting herself.”
She spoke with a bitterness that issued strangely from her lips. It was this bitterness which gave her soft personality the sharp edge that Justine had felt in it on the day of their meeting at Hanaford.
The girl, at first, had tried to defend herself from these scarcely-veiled confidences, distasteful enough in themselves, and placing her, if she listened, in an attitude of implied disloyalty to the man under whose roof they were spoken. But a precocious experience of life had taught her that emotions too strong for the nature containing them turn, by some law of spiritual chemistry, into a rankling poison; and she had therefore resigned herself to serving as a kind of outlet for Bessy’s pent-up discontent. It was not that her friend’s grievance appealed to her personal sympathies; she had learned enough of the situation to give her moral assent unreservedly to the other side. But it was characteristic of Justine that where she sympathized least she sometimes pitied most. Like all quick spirits she was often intolerant of dulness; yet when the intolerance passed it left a residue of compassion for the very incapacity at which she chafed. It seemed to her that the tragic crises in wedded life usually turned on the stupidity of one of the two concerned; and of the two victims of such a catastrophe she felt most for the one whose limitations had probably brought it about. After all, there could be no imprisonment as cruel as that of being bounded by a hard small nature. Not to be penetrable at all points to the shifting lights, the wandering music of the world—she could imagine no physical disability as cramping as that. How the little parched soul, in solitary confinement for life, must pine and dwindle in its blind cranny of self-love!
To be one’s self wide open to the currents of life does not always contribute to an understanding of narrower natures; but in Justine the personal emotions were enriched and deepened by a sense of participation in all that the world about her was doing, suffering and enjoying; and this sense found expression in the instinct of ministry and solace. She was by nature a redresser, a restorer; and in her work, as she had once told Amherst, the longing to help and direct, to hasten on by personal intervention time’s slow and clumsy processes, had often been in conflict with the restrictions imposed by her profession. But she had no idle desire to probe the depths of other lives; and where there seemed no hope of serving she shrank from fruitless confidences. She was beginning to feel this to be the case with Bessy Amherst. To touch the rock was not enough, if there were but a few drops within it; yet in this barrenness lay the pathos of the situation—and after all, may not the scanty spring be fed from a fuller current?
“I’m not sure about that,” she said, answering her friend’s last words after a deep pause of deliberation. “I mean about its being so pleasant to be found interesting. I’m sure the passive part is always the dull one: life has been a great deal more thrilling since we found out that we revolved about the sun, instead of sitting still and fancying that all the planets were dancing attendance on us. After all, they were not; and it’s rather humiliating to think how the morning stars must have laughed together about it!”
There was no self-complacency in Justine’s eagerness to help. It was far easier for her to express it in action than in counsel, to grope for the path with her friend than to point the way to it; and when she had to speak she took refuge in figures to escape the pedantry of appearing to advise. But it was not only to Mrs. Dressel that her parables were dark, and the blank look in Bessy’s eyes soon snatched her down from the height of metaphor.
“I mean,” she continued with a smile, “that, as human nature is constituted, it has got to find its real self—the self to be interested in—outside of what we conventionally call ‘self’: the particular Justine or Bessy who is clamouring for her particular morsel of life. You see, self isn’t a thing one can keep in a box—bits of it keep escaping, and flying off to lodge in all sorts of unexpected crannies; we come across scraps of ourselves in the most unlikely places—as I believe you would in Westmore, if you’d only go back there and look for them!”