Justine moved nearer, and touched his arm beseechingly. “Won’t you look at me?”
He turned his head slowly, as if with an effort, and his eyes rested reluctantly on hers.
“Oh, not like that!” she exclaimed.
He seemed to make a stronger effort at self-control. “Please don’t heed me—but say what there is to say,” he said in a level voice, his gaze on the fire.
She stood before him, her arms hanging down, her clasped fingers twisting restlessly.
“I don’t know that there is much to say—beyond what I’ve told you.”
There was a slight sound in Amherst’s throat, like the ghost of a derisive laugh. After another interval he said: “I wish to hear exactly what happened.”
She seated herself on the edge of a chair near by, bending forward, with hands interlocked and arms extended on her knees—every line reaching out to him, as though her whole slight body were an arrow winged with pleadings. It was a relief to speak at last, even face to face with the stony image that sat in her husband’s place; and she told her story, detail by detail, omitting nothing, exaggerating nothing, speaking slowly, clearly, with precision, aware that the bare facts were her strongest argument.
Amherst, as he listened, shifted his position once, raising his hand so that it screened his face; and in that attitude he remained when she had ended.
As she waited for him to speak, Justine realized that her heart had been alive with tremulous hopes. All through her narrative she had counted on a murmur of perception, an exclamation of pity: she had felt sure of melting the stony image. But Amherst said no word.
At length he spoke, still without turning his head. “You have not told me why you kept this from me.”
A sob formed in her throat, and she had to wait to steady her voice.
“No—that was my wrong—my weakness. When I did it I never thought of being afraid to tell you—I had talked it over with you in my own mind…so often…before….”
“Well?”
“Then– when you came back it was harder…though I was still sure you would approve me.”
“Why harder?”
“Because at first—at Lynbrook—I could not tell it all over, in detail, as I have now…it was beyond human power…and without doing so, I couldn’t make it all clear to you…and so should only have added to your pain. If you had been there you would have done as I did…. I felt sure of that from the first. But coming afterward, you couldn’t judge…no one who was not there could judge…and I wanted to spare you….”
“And afterward?”
She had shrunk in advance from this question, and she could not answer it at once. To gain time she echoed it. “Afterward?”
“Did it never occur to you, when we met later—when you first went to Mr. Langhope–-“?
“To tell you then? No—because by that time I had come to see that I could never be quite sure of making you understand. No one who was not there at the time could know what it was to see her suffer.”
“You thought it all over, then—decided definitely against telling me?”
“I did not have to think long. I felt I had done right—I still feel so—and I was sure you would feel so, if you were in the same circumstances.”
There was another pause. Then Amherst said: “And last September—at Hanaford?”
It was the word for which she had waited—the word of her inmost fears. She felt the blood mount to her face.
“Did you see no difference—no special reason for telling me then?”
“Yes–-” she faltered.
“Yet you said nothing.”
“No.”
Silence again. Her eyes strayed to the clock, and some dim association of ideas told her that Cicely would soon be coming in.
“Why did you say nothing?”
He lowered his hand and turned toward her as he spoke; and she looked up and faced him.
“Because I regarded the question as settled. I had decided it in my own mind months before, and had never regretted my decision. I should have thought it morbid…unnatural…to go over the whole subject again…to let it affect a situation that had come about…so much later…so unexpectedly.”
“Did you never feel that, later, if I came to know—if others came to know—it might be difficult–-?”
“No; for I didn’t care for the others—and I believed that, whatever your own feelings were, you would know I had done what I thought right.”
She spoke the words proudly, strongly, and for the first time the hard lines of his face relaxed, and a slight tremor crossed it.
“If you believed this, why have you been letting that cur blackmail you?”
“Because when he began I saw for the first time that what I had done might be turned against me by—by those who disliked our marriage. And I was afraid for my happiness. That was my weakness…it is what I am suffering for now.”
“Suffering!” he echoed ironically, as though she had presumed to apply to herself a word of which he had the grim monopoly. He rose and took a few aimless steps; then he halted before her.
“That day—last month—when you asked me for money…was it…?”
“Yes–-” she said, her head sinking.
He laughed. “You couldn’t tell me—but you could use my money to bribe that fellow to conspire with you!”
“I had none of my own.”
“No—nor I either! You used her money.—God!” he groaned, turning away with clenched hands.
Justine had risen also, and she stood motionless, her hands clasped against her breast, in the drawn shrinking attitude of a fugitive overtaken by a blinding storm. He moved back to her with an appealing gesture.
“And you didn’t see—it didn’t occur to you—that your doing…as you did…was an obstacle—an insurmountable obstacle—to our ever …?”
She cut him short with an indignant cry. “No! No! for it was not. How could it have anything to do with what…came after…with you or me? I did it only for Bessy—it concerned only Bessy!”
“Ah, don’t name her!” broke from him harshly, and she drew back, cut to the heart.
There was another pause, during which he seemed to fall into a kind of dazed irresolution, his head on his breast, as though unconscious of her presence. Then he roused himself and went to the door.
As he passed her she sprang after him. “John—John! Is that all you have to say?”
“What more is there?”
“What more? Everything!—What right have you to turn from me as if I were a murderess? I did nothing but what your own reason, your own arguments, have justified a hundred times! I made a mistake in not telling you at once—but a mistake is not a crime. It can’t be your real feeling that turns you from me—it must be the dread of what other people would think! But when have you cared for what other people thought? When have your own actions been governed by it?”
He moved another step without speaking, and she caught him by the arm. “No! you sha’n’t go—not like that!—Wait!”
She turned and crossed the room. On the lower shelf of the little table by her bed a few books were ranged: she stooped and drew one hurriedly forth, opening it at the fly-leaf as she went back to Amherst.
“There—read that. The book was at Lynbrook—in your room—and I came across it by chance the very day….”
It was the little volume of Bacon which she was thrusting at him. He took it with a bewildered look, as if scarcely following what she said.
“Read it—read it!” she commanded; and mechanically he read out the words he had written.
“La vraie morale se moque de la morale…. We perish because we follow other men’s examples…. Socrates called the opinions of the many Lamiæ.—Good God!” he exclaimed, flinging the book from him with a gesture of abhorrence.
Justine watched him with panting lips, her knees trembling under her. “But you wrote it—you wrote it! I thought you meant it!” she cried, as the book spun across a table and dropped to the floor.