CHAPTER XIV
I CRIED OUT.
“What is it? What is it?” she asked strangely. She was pale and looked gloomy.
“What do you mean, what? You? here, in my room?”
“If I come, I come entirely. That’s my way. You’ll see it presently; light a candle.”
I lit a candle. She stood up, went to the table, and placed an unsealed letter before me.
“Read it,” she ordered.
“This—this is des Grieux’s hand!” I cried, snatching the letter. My hands shook, and the lines leaped before my eyes. I’ve forgotten the exact terms of the letter, but here it is, if not word for word, at least thought for thought.
Mademoiselle [wrote des Grieux], unfortunate circumstances have forced me to leave immediately. You, of course, noticed yourself that I deliberately avoided a final talk with you until all the circumstances had been clarified. The arrival of your old relative [de la vielle dame] and her preposterous action put an end to all my perplexities. My own unsettled affairs forbid me definitively to nourish any further the sweet hopes in which I allowed myself to revel for some time. I regret the past, but I hope you will find nothing in my behavior unworthy of a gentleman and an honest man [gentilhomme et honnête homme]. Having lost almost all my money in loans to your stepfather, I find myself in extreme necessity of making use of what remains to me: I have already told my friends in Petersburg to make immediate arrangements for the sale of the property mortgaged to me; knowing, however, that your light-minded stepfather has squandered your own money, I have decided to forgive him fifty thousand francs, and I am returning to him part of the mortgage papers in that sum, so that it is now possible for you to regain everything you have lost by suing him for your property through the courts. I hope, mademoiselle, that in the present state of affairs my action will prove quite profitable for you. I hope also that by acting thus I am fully fulfilling the obligations of an honest and noble man. Rest assured that the memory of you is forever imprinted on my heart.
“Well, it’s all clear,” I said, turning to Polina, “not that you could have expected anything else,” I added indignantly.
“I wasn’t expecting anything,” she replied with apparent calm, but something seemed to tremble in her voice. “I resolved everything long ago; I read his mind and knew what he thought. He thought that I was seeking…that I’d insist…” She stopped and, without finishing, bit her lip and fell silent. “I purposely doubled my contempt for him,” she began again, “I waited for what he would do. If the telegram about the inheritance had come, I would have flung my idiot stepfather’s debt at him and chased him away! He’s been hateful to me for a long, long time. Oh, this was not the man of before, a thousand times not, and now, and now!…Oh, what happiness it would be now to fling that fifty thousand in his mean face, and spit…and smear it around!”
“But the paper—that mortgage for fifty thousand he returned—isn’t it with the general? Take it and give it to des Grieux.”
“Oh, that’s not it! That’s not it!”
“Yes, true, that’s not it! And what use is the general now? But what about grandmother?” I cried suddenly.
Polina looked at me somehow distractedly and impatiently.
“Why grandmother?” Polina said with vexation. “I can’t go to her…And I don’t want to ask anyone’s forgiveness,” she added irritably.
“What’s to be done, then?” I cried. “And how, how could you love des Grieux! Oh, the scoundrel, the scoundrel! Well, if you like, I’ll kill him in a duel! Where is he now?”
“He’s in Frankfurt and will be there for three days.”
“One word from you, and I’ll go tomorrow by the first train,” I said in some sort of stupid enthusiasm.
She laughed.
“Why, he might just say: first return the fifty thousand francs. And why would he fight?…What nonsense!”
“But where, then, where can we get these fifty thousand francs?” I repeated, grinding my teeth, as if one could just suddenly pick them up off the floor. “Listen: Mr. Astley?” I asked, turning to her with the beginnings of some strange idea.
Her eyes flashed.
“What, do you yourself really want me to leave you for that Englishman?” she said, looking into my face with piercing eyes and smiling bitterly. It was the first time in my life she had spoken so intimately.
It seems at that moment her head began spinning from agitation, and she suddenly sat down on the sofa as if in exhaustion.
It was like being struck by lightning: I stood there and couldn’t believe my eyes, couldn’t believe my ears! So it meant she loved me! She came to me, not to Mr. Astley! She, alone, a young girl, came to my room, in a hotel—meaning she had compromised herself publicly—and I stand before her and still don’t understand!
A wild thought flashed in my head.
“Polina! Give me just one hour! Wait here for only one hour and…I’ll come back! It’s…it’s necessary! You’ll see! Stay here, stay here!”
And I ran out of the room without responding to her astonished, questioning look; she called out something after me, but I didn’t go back.
Yes, sometimes the wildest thought, the seemingly most impossible thought, gets so firmly settled in your head that you finally take it for something feasible…Moreover, if the idea is combined with a strong, passionate desire, you might one day take it, finally, for something fatal, inevitable, predestined, for something that can no longer not be and not happen! Maybe there’s also something else, some combination of presentiments, some extraordinary effort of will, a self-intoxication by your own fantasy, or whatever else—I don’t know; but on that evening (which I will never forget as long as I live) a miraculous event took place. Though it is perfectly justified arithmetically, nonetheless for me it is still miraculous. And why, why did this certainty lodge itself so deeply and firmly in me then, and now so long ago? I surely must have thought of it, I repeat to you, not as an event that might happen among others (and therefore also might not happen), but as something that simply could not fail to happen!
It was a quarter-past ten; I entered the vauxhall in such firm hopes and at the same time in such excitement as I had never experienced before. There were still enough people in the gaming rooms, though twice less than in the morning.
After ten o’clock, those left around the gaming tables are the real, desperate gamblers, for whom nothing exists at the spa except roulette, who come for the sake of it alone, who give poor notice to what happens around them, and are interested in nothing else during the whole season, but only play from morning till night, and would be ready, perhaps, to play all night till dawn, if it were possible. And they always go away grudgingly when the roulette closes at midnight. And when, around midnight, before closing the roulette, the head croupier announces: “Les trois derniers coups, messieurs! ”[54] they are sometimes ready to gamble away all they have in their pockets on these last three rounds—and it’s actually here that they lose the most. I went to the same table where grandmother had sat earlier. It wasn’t very crowded, so that I very quickly found a place to stand at the table. Right in front of me on the green baize, the word Passe was written. Passe is the series of numbers from nineteen to thirty-six inclusive. The first series, from one to eighteen inclusive, is called Manque; but what business was that of mine? I didn’t calculate, I didn’t even hear what number had come up on the last round, and I didn’t ask about it as I began to play—as any slightly calculating gambler would have done. I took out all my twenty friedrichs d’or and threw them on the passe that lay in front of me.