‘I know.’ His mouth was set into a grim line. ‘I wouldn’t be so foolish to repeat this to anyone else but I wanted you to have my honest opinion.’ His green eyes dared me to tell him he was wrong to believe in me. A warm glow filled me, despite my fear for him. He trusted me with his life.
‘Thank you,’ I said softly. ‘I value your opinion a great deal.’ My eyes filled with tears and I turned abruptly and left the room, so he would not see how much his trust meant to me.
As I emptied the stinking ashtray, I pushed my joy to one side as I mulled over the oberinspektor’s appraisal. It was more realistic than what Vati had told Mutti, although the consequences were more frightening. For the first time, I entertained the possibility of Germany losing the war. I shivered, a vague sense of unease coalescing into a hard ball of fear in my stomach.
Lying in bed, thinking of Heinrich, too tired to sleep, I fiddled with the locket around my neck; one side held a tiny photo of Mutti and Vati, the other with one of Heinrich. He had finished his final exam that day. I hadn’t had a chance to speak to him and hoped he was relieved and happy. All he needed now was his piece of paper to say he had graduated, and to be offered that permanent position at the hospital. We were getting married in a little over a month and were on the brink of making our dreams come true. My wedding dress hung in my closet, ready to wear.
Suddenly the air-raid sirens screeched into the still night. I sighed, my joyful musings dissipating into thin air. This was all I needed, a night with no sleep. I slid out of bed, dragged on my coat and picked up the small suitcase with my essentials by my door.
‘Mutti,’ I yelled down the hallway. ‘Come on, we have to go.’ I stood at the top of the stairs waiting for her. ‘Mutti!’ I shouted again.
Dropping the suitcase, I strode impatiently to my mother’s bedroom and opened her door. She was still in bed, an eye pillow over her eyes, and hadn’t stirred. I rushed over and shook her. ‘Mutti,’ I called gruffly, removing the blindfold. ‘Come on, there’s an air-raid.’
My mother opened her eyes a crack. ‘What’s wrong? Why have you woken me?’
‘Can’t you hear the sirens?’
She just stared blankly at me and began to close her eyes.
‘Mutti, no, come on!’ I shook her roughly and her eyelids fluttered open.
‘Here, sit up,’ I said, helping her upright, her body like a rag doll’s. ‘Did you take something before bed?’ I glanced at her nightstand and saw a bottle of sleeping tablets. ‘Oh no.’ I swung her legs over the side of the bed and got her sitting. ‘We have to go now.’
‘I can’t sleep when your father’s away,’ she muttered, her blue eyes dull. Mutti’s temper had frayed almost to breaking point when Vati was called to Berlin with his superior.
‘I’ll help you.’ I grabbed her under the arms and helped steady her as I pulled her up.
‘I’m so tired,’ said Mutti, as she shuffled into her slippers.
‘You have to walk now. Can you hear the sirens? We have to go,’ I said urgently, panic beginning to blossom in my belly. I grabbed her coat, draping it over her shoulders and tying it at the waist before helping her to the door. ‘All right now?’
Mutti nodded and grasped the banister to walk down the stairs a little unsteadily while I held her other arm and brought the suitcase.
We were among the last to make it to the air-raid shelter. It was already packed with people and the sour scent hit me like a physical blow. The warden nodded as we made our way past him.
‘Ah, there you are,’ called a neighbour. She patted a spot next to her on the wooden bench. ‘I was beginning to worry what had happened to you.’
Mutti and I sat down next to her. ‘Thank you, Elli,’ said Mutti.
The ominous drone of planes overhead began and a deep thrumming seemed to vibrate in my bones, even here underground. It was silent in the shelter, bodies shuffling as if trying to shrink from the threat in the sky, seeking protection with those next to them, as we waited for what came next. I looked at my mother, her eyes wide, mirroring my concern. The planes were very close. She reached for my hand and I held hers tightly.
I remember looking up at the ceiling, feeling so helpless, wishing I could see through it to what was happening outside. The bare light bulbs above us shone weakly, giving us some security in the darkness, before the whistling of the falling bombs reached our ears. The blast of the detonation followed quickly, and the ground shook around us. The howl of wind that rushed in their wake was enough to conjure up images of hell. We were battered relentlessly, only short periods of sanity between each bombing run when we became aware of the crying, the nervous coughing, the hysterical outbursts. Children were pressed tightly against their mothers, their little faces pale and streaked with tears. Some people rocked where they sat, eyes blank with terror, while others comforted the stricken with arms around shoulders and softly spoken words. The air-raid warden and his committee cast worried looks at the walls and ceiling but they were holding so far.
Time became meaningless. Our existence shrank to a pinpoint of surviving that moment. No other thoughts mattered – that basement became our world. Mutti and I clung to each other. I felt her shudder with each new explosion and, glimpsing the wildness in her eyes, I knew she was close to breaking point. I closed my eyes briefly during a lull to strengthen my resolve and keep my own terror at bay. I was all Mutti had and it wouldn’t do her any good if I fell apart now. I squeezed her hand, glancing across, and she smiled weakly at me. ‘It will be over soon, Mutti,’ I whispered. A new explosion rocked the earth and the lights went out. Screams rent the air before the air warden’s voice called through the commotion, ‘It’s all right. Everyone calm down. We have candles and we will have light in a moment.’
Sure enough, flickering light moved between the rows of seats as the warden’s men handed out candles. As I took a thick candle from gnarled fingers, we heard a whoosh and roaring outside the shelter.
‘Firebombing,’ the old man muttered in disgust before walking rapidly back to the warden.
Mutti was trembling and whimpering softly. The shadows from the flickering flame made her face seem sunken, the odd angles garish and enhancing the nightmarish atmosphere that surrounded us.
‘Be strong, Mutti,’ I whispered in her ear. ‘Be strong for Vati and me.’
She nodded and the whimpering stopped. I kissed the top of her frizzy head and we waited until the sound of bombs exploding disappeared, replaced with the distant crashing of what must have been buildings collapsing from the fire. Dread filled my heart as I wondered what we would find when we were allowed to leave.
Finally, after the all-clear was given, we plodded out of the shelter to find the city on fire. The night sky was blood red, the air filled with smoke. We stood rooted to the spot at the sight of fires raging only a few blocks away. Burning embers floating through the air fell on exposed skin, the cries and yelps breaking us from the spell. People began coughing as the smoke reached their lungs.
‘Cover your mouth and nose and go to your homes,’ ordered the warden. ‘It will be safer there.’
Mutti and I, along with our neighbours, stumbled back to our apartments, relieved the building was still intact but apprehensive of facing the new day, which would show us the extent of the damage.
The air-raids continued for about a week. Heinrich and his family were unscathed, their home intact, and he came to visit every day to make sure Mutti and I were safe. Hilde didn’t return to work – her daughter had been killed in the bombings and her grandchildren were orphans and needed her care. They left the city with the streams of evacuees to the relative safety of the countryside. Herr Schmitt also came back to us unscathed, much to our relief, and Heinrich’s too. He didn’t like us alone while Vati was away.