‘Heinrich’s mother found the letter in his shirt pocket when the new maid was organising his laundry,’ said my mother. I could almost feel the waves of anger rolling off her. At least I could still trust Heinrich, although I wished he had been more careful with the letter. We had to stick together – our mothers could be so pushy. They were similar in age and had been close friends since childhood. Together, they were a force to be reckoned with.
‘Sit,’ my father ordered.
I obediently sat on the edge of the lounge chair, facing my parents. I could hear the ticking of the grandfather clock, steady and even, unlike my heartbeat.
‘You want to postpone your wedding. Why?’ Vati looked cool as a cucumber, impeccable as always in his army uniform, though his hazel eyes glared at me sternly.
Laying my palms flat on my lap, willing them to stay still, I decided to meet my father’s eyes and tell the truth. Maybe he would understand after all. ‘Heinrich and I agree we shouldn’t get married yet. He wants to concentrate on finishing his studies. It looks like he might get a job at Schwabing Hospital when he’s completed his training there… unless he’s called away to another posting. Until we can be sure he has a good job, we want to wait, like you suggested.’
‘I never suggested such a thing!’ exploded my mother. ‘The way this war’s going, you’ll either be the longest engaged couple known to man or you’ll miss out altogether if Heinrich is killed – God forbid.’
‘Mutti!’ I said, horrified.
My mother put her hands up in apology. ‘You have no excuse any more. You’ve finished your studies – why not marry now? It doesn’t matter if Heinrich is still studying. You can live here with us if Heinrich’s parents don’t want you there, although I think they will jump at the chance to have a daughter around that empty house of theirs. If something did happen, you would be well taken care of by the Hoffmann family and Heinrich’s estate.’
I shook my head, my blood boiling. ‘I would never take advantage of his family like that.’
‘These are strange times. You can prove your worth to his parents when the war is over. By all means, if Heinrich sees fit, go and work as a photographer after the war. If you’re feeling really ambitious, maybe we can help you set up a studio. You know we have the right connections. It won’t be hard to manage.’
I couldn’t reason with my mother, I knew that. I sent a pleading look to my father. ‘Please, Vati!’
My father put his large, powerful hand over my mother’s small, shapely one and gave it a gentle squeeze. Her expression softened at once. He leant across, touching his dark hair to her fair, wavy locks, and whispered in her ear. The look that passed between them made me feel that I shouldn’t be in the room. I watched them, suddenly wistful. I wondered if that look had always been there for them, or if it came with the bond of intimacy. Heinrich and I didn’t look at each other like that.
‘What’s this all about, Lotte?’ asked my father gently.
‘I’ve spent all this time learning to be a photographer. Now that I have the skills, I want to use them. So many others I’ve trained with have good jobs with the Wehrmacht, making a real difference, some of them even on the front. I want to prove myself, make a contribution and help the war effort.’
‘She wants to go to the front, Johann!’
‘You wouldn’t do that to your mother, would you?’ Vati’s tone was conversational but I knew that anything that upset my mother also upset him. ‘Don’t you think she’s been through enough? How would she cope if something happened to you?’
I stared at my feet, ashamed. ‘I know, Vati but I’m not a little girl any more. I’m a grown woman now. I want you to be proud of me,’ I whispered, daring to look up at him again.
The frown of consternation on my father’s face was reassuring. ‘We are, liebchen. You’re a fine photographer. But your mother is right. These are strange times and we only want what’s best for you. You are the apple of our eye. Neither of us could bear to lose you. We only want to keep you safe.’
‘We’ll be proud of you when you marry that boy,’ snapped my mother, her face as rigid as her attitude, but I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. ‘Heinrich’s mother and I have agreed to set a date sometime this summer.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ said my father. ‘The talk in Berlin is that Goebbels wants to increase conscription to women, boys from the Hitler Youth as young as fourteen and men up to sixty-five years of age. Single and married women with no children will get no exemptions. Once called up, there will be no choice of where you’re posted. I’m afraid that the chances are Heinrich will be called again, although God knows we need more doctors here, with all the bombings.’
‘All the more reason for them to marry soon.’ My mother sat straight and tall, as if she were made of glass and could shatter at any moment.
‘Nein, liebling. She doesn’t need that boy’s money or security. I give my blessing for them to marry when Heinrich has finished his studies and has a good job.’
My mother nearly jumped out of her seat with alarm. I had to wipe the smirk off my face as she glared at us but she didn’t bite back as I thought she would.
My father placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘I know it’s not what you wanted. But in light of this new information, I think it’s wise for us to enquire about military work opportunities. It would be best if Lotte had a position before any enforced conscription begins. After that, we can’t guarantee where she’ll end up or what she’ll be doing.’ He glanced across to me. ‘I don’t know that we’ll find a photography position. Most likely an office job, but this way she could be close to home, involved in the war effort like she wants.’
My mother looked slightly mollified, although I could tell my father still had some work to do to fully convince her.
‘Close your mouth, Lotte,’ said my mother brusquely, ‘unless you want to swallow flies.’
I dutifully obeyed, swallowing nervously as I looked at my parents.
‘I suppose it won’t hurt to see what’s available. A job will teach her some discipline – and the value of money, which will be useful when she has to manage her own household. A few conditions: I want you to promise that we both agree on the job and I want her to stay in München.’ Mutti reached for Vati’s hand and squeezed it tightly. I could see the tips of my father’s fingers turning red.
‘Of course, my dear. I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
My mother smiled sweetly at him and released her grip. He had the good grace not to snatch his hand away to ease the circulation back into it.
I leant back in the lounge chair, watching my mother. She had done it again – manipulated the situation so that she got what she wanted. True, my father had vetoed a summer wedding and allowed me to work with the military but, sure as hell, my mother would make sure I stayed close by. I could almost guarantee she would ensure there was no photography position, just to spite me.
‘What do you think, liebling?’ my father asked, smiling. I could see that he thought he had negotiated a solution between his two girls quite successfully.
What could I say without hurting his feelings? ‘Fine, Vati.’ I leapt up to hug him. The smell of the smoke from his pipe clinging to his tunic met me like a familiar friend as he enfolded me in his strong, comforting arms. My mother caught my eye, her icy gaze accusing me of ruining all her plans and her family’s impeccable reputation. I squeezed Vati tighter and was rewarded with a kiss on top of my head. I could not disappoint my father. He thought the world of me and I adored him.