He wouldn’t take no for an answer. ‘Here,’ he said, ‘put this around you.’ He draped the woollen coat across my shoulders and immediately the lingering warmth from his body surrounded me.
‘Thank you,’ I murmured. ‘What about you? You must be cold.’
He shook his head. ‘No, not one bit.’
‘I feel bad taking your coat.’
‘Well in that case, how about you take my arm? Walking close to you will warm me up.’
I blushed but it was reasonable request. ‘Of course, we can’t let you freeze to death,’ I said lightheartedly, trying to cover my rising confusion, pleased he couldn’t see my face in the darkness.
The hauptinspektor laughed, a deep throaty sound that made me smile, easing my anxiety. ‘Not likely.’
I threaded my arm through his, feeling slightly self-conscious as we continued to walk.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I was very touched by the celebration this evening.’
‘It was nothing,’ I said automatically. ‘Besides, Bettina organised most of it.’
‘She’s a great girl and an asset to our department. But you – you I can’t do without.’
I felt a wave of delicious warmth bombard me and curl its way through my body, turning my muscles to liquid, until it came to rest in my belly, heavy and pulsating. I leant into him. He pulled me closer, his solid warmth reassuring, and I felt safe and protected by his side. The cool night air and the ugliness of a war-torn city disappeared, leaving only the hum of tension that ran through the hauptinspektor like a surge of electricity.
‘I only do what I can.’
‘You don’t realise it, but you’re a breath of fresh air, Lotte,’ he said quickly, as if he had to get the words out before he lost his courage. ‘Because of you, this posting isn’t something I have to endure.’
I stopped walking, suddenly wary. I had never had that effect on anyone before. It left me with a feeling of power and a need to surrender all at the same time. I tried to peer into his face but all I could see was his silhouette in the dark. ‘Hauptinspektor, I don’t know what you mean. I haven’t done anything but my work.’
‘Yes, I know,’ he said. ‘You make sure I function each day, no matter what happens. Nobody has cared for me like that in a very long time.’ I felt his body sag. ‘The champagne has probably made me say things I shouldn’t have said. I have no wish to make you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted you to know how valued you are…’
He was just grateful. I relaxed a little. I wondered if he would be embarrassed tomorrow.
‘Thank you,’ I said, forgiving him. I felt honoured that he had shared such vulnerability with me and sad that he carried so much pain.
We began to walk again, still arm in arm. To leave the awkwardness behind us, I began to tell him about my family and about my life in München. All the while I was very much aware of his presence by my side, the slight pressure of his arm against mine, the warmth that radiated from him. He was a good listener, with a quick wit and a dry sense of humour. I was enjoying myself.
‘You laugh with such abandon, it’s infectious,’ he said, his own laughter fizzing away after one wisecrack. ‘It’s deep and heartfelt, just like your smile.’
His compliments made me weak at the knees and I was glad I was holding onto his arm. I didn’t want this walk to end. ‘I can’t help it. I’ve always been like this. Mutti tells me it’s not very ladylike but it’s who I am. Anyway, I’m the eternal optimist and I believe in finding something good in every situation. Laughter is life and life’s for living, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, it is.’
Then we were at the front of my building.
‘Thank you for walking me home, hauptinspektor,’ I said, removing my arm reluctantly from his and lifting the coat from my shoulders.
‘It was the least I could do after such a lovely party.’
I smiled, handing him the coat. ‘Maybe now you can stay warm.’
‘Please call me Erich when we’re not in the office,’ he said. ‘We’ve worked together so long now and we spend so much time together travelling… It’s nice to hear my name sometimes.’
He stood close to me and, for a moment, I wondered what it would be like to kiss his wide, sensuous mouth. I looked up at him, confused, trying to discern his expression in the near darkness but could find nothing to fault in his courteous demeanour.
‘All right.’ After all I had learnt about him that night – alone without his family, without warmth and companionship – I supposed it would be fine. ‘Goodnight, Erich,’ I said tentatively, but I didn’t want him to leave.
‘Goodnight, Lotte. See you at work in the morning.’ A car turning the corner briefly lit the inky blackness. Our eyes met and he smiled with such warmth that it caught my breath, before we were plunged into darkness once more and he was gone.
7
Requisitioned by the Luftwaffe, Kloster Scheyern was a grand old Benedictine monastery, built in the twelfth century, about fifty kilometres north of München. The main complex held an array of chapels and the basilica. The monks who were still there lived in the adjoining wing. Before the war, the furthest wing had housed a grammar school. Now this wing became our office building and the wing opposite the accommodation for all the staff.
It was hard to believe that a war existed as Bettina and I walked through the grounds to the new barracks. There was a sense of peace and tranquillity that lingered here. Order prevailed as I looked about the manicured gardens. I felt safe; this was a place of respite.
There wasn’t much time to enjoy the beauty of the monastery or the surrounding countryside. I was kept busy setting up the new office and continuing with the regular work. Erich insisted that I no longer accompany him on his trips to the airfields, so that I could organise our office and get settled in the dormitory.
I was relieved, because I had so much to do but also because I was apprehensive about being alone with him outside of the office. Worried about how I might react to him. That night in München had done something to me, as if it had flicked a switch. I was aware of a subtle undercurrent. I loved Heinrich but Erich was like a magnet, drawing me to him. Despite my best intentions, I increasingly watched him throughout the day, often unconsciously. I sometimes found him watching me too. The intensity in his green eyes caused me to catch my breath and made my heart thump loudly in my ears. I’m sure I blushed more than once and had to quickly hide my face behind the stacked boxes or find a reason to leave the room.
But Erich was nothing but courteous and professional at work, as always. Nothing was mentioned about our evening walk and there was no hint of anything that had passed between us. I felt stupid, like I had created some silly little fantasy in my own head out of a few kind words. Erich had only told me he appreciated me but it had made me feel wanted, valued, even desired. Although I adored Heinrich, it didn’t stop me wondering what it would be like to live in Erich’s world. He had done so many things in his life already, experienced so much. I realised what a sheltered life Heinrich and I had had and probably would always have. I wanted to experience the world, discover what life had to offer, to be with someone like Erich, who might understand my creative passions and share my dreams. That night had changed everything for me. It was as if a tiny crack in my very ordered, planned world had appeared, allowing me to look at life around me, at the life I might want to take for myself. It was frightening to admit that a tiny part of me was willing to buck the social conventions that constrained me. Then I would think of Heinrich.