I had kept the last photo I had taken of him on my bedroom side table. I looked at it when I woke each morning and before I slept at night. I would sit in bed, photo on my lap, and tell him all that had happened in the day, imagining his responses, his reactions. It was a good photo, one of my best. Now it rested under my pillow in the dormitory and I barely had time at night to kiss his face and tell him I loved him before falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.
My mother was distraught at my moving to Kloster Scheyern. I could have stayed in München to look after her, as my father kept to a frantic schedule at work and could not take the time to spend with her, but I still felt that need for something more.
‘Nobody would think badly of you if you decide to stay,’ Vati had said not long before the move.
‘I can’t abandon my colleagues now,’ I’d replied, exasperated. ‘Besides, the hauptinspektor relies on me.’
‘I understand how you feel but Hauptinspektor Drescher is a good man. He will understand your reasons. Besides, I don’t think you’ll be needed for much longer. The war will end soon and everything will be different.’ He’d picked up his pipe, knocking the remnant of tobacco out, ready to refill.
‘I don’t know why you have to go,’ my mother had said, banging the teapot on the table. ‘I need you here. Isn’t that more important than what your superior needs? Your father has no choice but to work, his job is very important.’
‘My job is important too, Mutti! I do valuable work for the war effort and the Fatherland. My contribution is valued and appreciated, especially by the hauptinspektor. Colonel von Wissenbach will tell you what a good job I do, if you ask him.’
‘You would be home, married by now, if you had listened to me. Then you would be out of harm’s way and I wouldn’t have to worry about you too.’ My mother had rushed to her bedroom.
I could hear her sobbing and I stared at my father in despair. ‘I didn’t mean to upset her.’
‘If you want to stay, we’ll find a way to make that happen.’
‘You know I have to go. Besides, Mutti has you and Tante Klara and her other friends to keep her distracted when you’re not home. She can’t wrap me in cotton wool.’
Vati had kissed the top of my head. ‘I know. At least promise her that you’ll come home every second Sunday and that you’ll be home for Christmas.’
‘I can do that.’
The first moment that I got to myself after we arrived at the kloster was a Sunday afternoon. I needed an escape from the constant noise and activity but I was glad I hadn’t agreed to go home every week; I was bone tired and I wouldn’t have got any rest in Mutti’s company. Pulling up the collar on my coat, I shoved my gloved hands deep into my pockets. A bit of November cold wasn’t going to deter me. I walked through the wood that surrounded part of the kloster for about an hour. I only wished I had brought my camera. Most of the trees were almost bare, naked branches like skeletons, twisting sinuously, clutching onto clumps of darkening leaves here and there. However, there were still brilliant patches of yellow, red and orange that never ceased to take my breath away. My thoughts wandered to how I would photograph Erich: brown hair swept back from his smooth, wide brow, high cheekbones under bronzed skin and large green eyes. My fingers itched to trace those lines and discover how the play of light and shadow could best enhance his portrait.
But after a time the walk and the gentle noises of the forest did their job, soothing my soul and clearing my head, giving me a sense of balance that I hadn’t felt in weeks.
‘Lotte!’
I jumped and looked across the garden to see who was calling me. My eyes fell on a figure rapidly approaching, waving its arm. Erich. I froze. I couldn’t turn back into the woods because he had already seen me. I stood there under the branches of a moulting beech tree and waited, trying to force a polite smile onto my face while I burnt up with both joy and shame.
‘Lotte, there you are. Bettina’s been looking for you. Helga told her you’d gone for a walk but when you didn’t return, she got worried. Why did you go off on your own like that?’
‘I just needed some peace and quiet. I wanted some time to clear my head. It’s been crazy in there.’
‘I can see that. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help.’
I saw that his concern was genuine. ‘That’s all right,’ I said, smiling. ‘I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for you either.’
Erich stepped closer to me and I could smell the cigarettes on his skin. He stopped and glanced around the garden and woods.
‘I don’t know how much longer we’ll keep going like this. It’s madness everywhere. Except here. I can see why you came here. I wouldn’t mind a few minutes of peace. Is there somewhere you can recommend where I can gather my thoughts before the onslaught of the next week begins?’
‘Well, maybe in one of the churches,’ I said, standing rigid, forcing myself to stop thinking what it would be like if I just melted into his arms then and there. I couldn’t deny my attraction to him. ‘It’s probably warmer there.’
‘Yes, you’re right of course. That’s the sensible place to go, especially at this time of day. Perhaps next time I need some solitude, you could show me where you found your peace and quiet in the woods. I’ve always found nature to be very soothing, relaxing – a place where you can be yourself. Don’t you think so?’
I stared at him for just a second, mouth agape, trying to work out if he was implying anything else, but my reflexes seemed dull and I was slow to come up with a retort.
‘Come on then, before Bettina thinks you’ve disappeared for good.’
He placed his hand on my back to guide me forward as any gentleman would do but I felt the burn of his touch for hours afterwards.
I arrived home the following weekend to the smell of roasted meat wafting down the hallway.
‘Your mother’s been planning this meal for days,’ said Vati. ‘You know how she is. It’s been a while since she’s gone to this much trouble, especially now it’s so hard to get what you want from the market, no matter what ration cards you have.’
Mutti cooking was impressive enough but for her to make so much effort told me that she had resigned herself to my situation and we were back on good terms. Although she had found it difficult to let me go, this was her way to show me how much she loved me and had missed me.
Vati followed me to my room, where the meal was laid out. Mutti still refused to eat in our dining room with the stares of our neighbours on her back. There was fresh table linen and even a small vase with flowers she had found somewhere. My eyes welled with tears as Vati flipped back the protective tea towel to show the brown crust of a well-done roast. The gravy boat stood alongside it, shimmering drops of fat glistening on the surface of the thick brown sauce.
‘I haven’t had Mutti’s apple cake since my birthday,’ I groaned in delight, spying the cake on my bed. ‘It must have been near impossible to get all the ingredients.’
‘She’s been saving her rations to get extra butter and kept the flour she already had. She queued up for hours to get this meat and was so excited when she showed it to me. It’s not so easy to find meat any more. Mutti took it on as a great challenge, as she does.’
I smiled. Mutti was managing quite well without the servants; it was as if she had become stronger.
‘Luckily Tante Susie visited during the week and brought apples she’d picked up in the country on her trip from Windsheim.’ Tante Susie was Mutti’s sister who lived in one of the large towns near Nürnberg where her husband had worked as a doctor before the war.
‘How did Mutti manage to do it with all the tenants?’ I asked in hushed tones. Despite the cramped living conditions and Vati’s enquiries, none of the tenants had yet been offered alternative accommodation.