There were many others who decided to stay, those who would not abandon their homes or the city they loved. The hope was that the Americans would reach München before the Russians. Vati, however, had decided it was time for my mother to leave and now I could see why.
‘Come with me,’ pleaded Mutti. ‘Tante Susie can have both of us. She has plenty of room.’
‘Muttilein, you know I can’t come with you,’ I said, smoothing out the piece of worn sheeting I was wrapping my wedding gown in. There was no delicate paper to softly cocoon my precious garment but it was time to box and store it so it wouldn’t be ruined. Nobody knew when I would need it. My heart felt leaden. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was saying goodbye to München and my old life forever, leaving for the kloster and an unknown future. I knew now that nothing could be the same after the war. There was still no letter from Heinrich. His mother hadn’t heard anything either. That we had received no telegram to tell us he was killed or missing in action was a relief beyond words but it was the not knowing that was the hardest.
I thought suddenly of Fräu Andree. Where was she now? I held no illusions that we were ever likely to see her again. I couldn’t forget stories whispered among the girls in the office, stories that told of Jewish round-ups, herded like cattle onto trains and then interned indefinitely in various camps across the country. Then there were the reports of gas chambers broadcast on BBC radio that trickled down to us. We were prohibited from listening to foreign radio but many did despite the risk, especially those with links outside Germany. I listened with horror, but part of me finally believed it was true. Nobody deserved to be treated like an animal. How could our Führer let this happen? This wasn’t Germany, the virtuous and cultured shining star of Europe. This was barbaric.
The fabric of our society was torn. To me, it was inconceivable that there were so many missing, so many dead, so many families scattered and torn asunder. Germany as we had known it was falling apart. How would we ever recover?
I laid the gown gently in the box, closing the lid. Dread suddenly coiled through my belly, sharp and heavy, as if I was closing the lid on this part of my life, a life of privilege.
I kissed Mutti on the forehead. ‘I can’t abandon my work or my colleagues now. Besides, I’m just as safe if not safer at headquarters. The kloster is possibly the best place to be. Isn’t that so, Vati?’
‘Mmm?’ My father lifted his head from the letter he was examining and removed his reading glasses. ‘Yes, of course you’re quite safe for now.’
Mutti hugged her arms around her and sat on the lounge chair, defeated.
Vati put his letter down. ‘Now, once your mother leaves for Bad Windsheim, I’ll spend most of my time at headquarters. It will be easier to eat and sleep there. Berlin is virtually shut down, so there’s no need for me to leave München. I’ll lock our rooms up and check on them every few days. Herr Mueller downstairs has promised to keep an eye on the apartment.’
I nodded, expecting as much, lifting the box up into the wardrobe.
‘Do not come back to München after today, Lotte.’
I swung around. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘With all the bombings, it’s not safe. When the war ends or safety becomes an issue, do not come back. Promise me. When the Americans or Russians reach München, I don’t want you here. I’ve seen victorious armies before. They take whatever they want. It won’t be safe in the city. Go to your mother in Windsheim. I will get a message to her when it’s safe to return home or, God willing, I will come and collect the two of you myself. Until then, stay with Susie.’ He grasped my hand firmly. ‘Do you hear me, Lotte?’
‘Yes, Vati,’ I whispered. I couldn’t believe it had come to this. I had come home to farewell my mother and celebrate an early birthday. I was turning twenty but I felt like I was one hundred.
‘Stay close to Erich or Colonel von Wissenbach. They will try to keep you safe.’
Mutti glowered at Vati and me. ‘This is a mistake. Lotte should be with me, safe at Susie’s. It’s bad enough that you have to stay. I don’t want to hear any more about your plans. I have packing to do.’ Mutti stood with a huff and left the room, slamming the door behind her.
I looked from the door to my father’s pinched face.
He sighed. ‘She’ll be all right. She understands and will come round when she calms down. She can’t wrap you up like a delicate ornament forever.’
‘I know, Vati, but I worry about her.’
‘She won’t have time to fall apart. She’ll be busy with Susie’s boys. She’s stronger than you think.’
I nodded. The country would be good for Mutti and Tante Susie was a pillar of strength.
‘Vati.’ I touched him tentatively on the arm. ‘Have you heard any more about Heinrich?’
‘No, I’m sorry, nothing. It’s chaotic and I haven’t been able to locate his unit yet. You know that it’s mayhem on the Eastern Front. The Russians have taken Warsaw and at this rate, it won’t be long before they reach the Oder. I hope Erich has managed to get his family away.’ He stared at the table like he was debating what to say next. ‘Many of the battalions have been decimated and our troops have been in constant retreat. I’ve heard stories of whole units surrendering or even deserting and making their way back home.’
He held my hand and looked into my eyes, then lowered his voice so Mutti wouldn’t hear in the next room. ‘You have to prepare yourself. If Heinrich’s alive, it’s possible he may be taken as a prisoner of war by the Russians.’
My heart began to thump wildly and my face crumpled in despair. Vati squeezed my hand in reassurance.
‘I’ll keep looking for him… it may be that he’s in no position to write or as simple as the fact that the post is no longer getting through.’
‘Thank you, Vati. I know he’s alive. He has to be.’ I hugged my father tightly, breathing in the comforting smells of tobacco and aftershave.
‘You’ll have that wonderful wedding before you know it,’ he said, smoothing my hair from my face. ‘Nothing’s going to stop me walking you down that aisle to meet your husband.’
‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ I felt a moment of desolation, wondering how long it would be before I saw Heinrich or my father again.
Vati reached into his jacket pocket. ‘Here, I have something for you, for your birthday. It’s something for you to record your memories and special moments while we’re apart.’ His voice caught as he pulled out a small package. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t wrap it properly.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ I turned it over, breaking through the packaging. Three precious canisters of film lay nestled in the paper. ‘Wherever did you find them?’
‘It was difficult to get my hands on them but I still have contacts.’ He smiled wryly.
‘It’s perfect Vati. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.’ My eyes welled with tears. He knew me so well.
‘I don’t want you to forget your craft. You have talent. Perhaps one day you’ll become a professional photographer. In the meantime, keep your camera with you wherever you go and use the film wisely. It will become impossible to find soon and even worse after the war. I don’t know when I will see you next but one day I want to see the photos and share with you the things I have missed. Just promise me that.’
‘I will, Vati and I’ll think of you every time I use it.’ My heart clenched in fear, suddenly apprehensive for him. Nobody knew what was ahead. There was a chance that this was the last time I would ever see him. My father’s eyes were moist as he pulled me into a tight embrace. ‘I’m so proud of you. You’re a wonderful daughter. Stay safe.’