Finally, I prayed for an end to the war. I prayed for life beyond the war and what it might offer despite the destruction of the country I loved and the losses we had all endured.
Only a few of days after Erich left, we heard that Grottkau had been taken by the Red Army. I wondered if he had heard and how he would take this further blow.
When Erich returned, he was gaunt, eyes bloodshot and sunken, and the hollows beneath them were black. Bettina and I approached him in his office.
‘How are you?’ Bettina asked quietly. ‘Do you need anything?’
Erich sighed, rubbing his eyes. ‘It was hopeless. I couldn’t find them. I couldn’t find anything about them or where they’ve been.’
‘I’m so sorry, hauptinspektor,’ said Bettina, glancing at me helplessly. ‘Maybe they escaped the air raid.’
‘I don’t think so,’ he whispered, staring out the window, ‘maybe I’ll never really know what happened to them.’
‘I’ll let the colonel know,’ said Bettina. ‘If there’s anything you need, please ask.’ Before she left the room, she cast another meaningful look at me, as if I should try to get more out of him.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked Erich.
‘No, but I can’t talk about it. If I start… There’s so much to do. I have to focus on my work.’ His face had a haunted look. Perhaps he was replaying the scenes he had witnessed over the last few days in his mind.
My anxiety grew as I watched Erich withdraw into himself, working hard but speaking only when necessary. He was often distracted and I’m sure he didn’t eat – anything I brought him I took away again untouched. He seemed to live on coffee and cigarettes.
‘You need to talk to him,’ Bettina said one evening, as we walked towards the dormitory.
‘I’ve tried.’
‘He trusts you and I know you’ll deny it but there’s a bond between the two of you. If anyone can draw him out, it’s you.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I said, unable to do anything about the flush of embarrassment that crept up my cheeks.
‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I know you care about him,’ Bettina said softly. I remained silent. ‘You know, it’s different to what he had with those girls when he first arrived. None were in our department. He kept work and pleasure separate. I only knew because one of the girls was my friend, but she’s no longer in München.’
White hot jealousy seared through me.
She placed a hand on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. ‘These are not ordinary circumstances for any of us. We have to take comfort wherever we can get it because who knows what tomorrow will bring.’
I couldn’t articulate my feelings for Erich; once out in the world, there was no recalling them and I wasn’t ready to accept the consequences of making them reality. Smiling, I turned the tables on Bettina.
‘So, how are you and Kurt going?’
Bettina shrugged, beginning to walk again. ‘He’s good fun, he makes me laugh and he’s a good lover. What else do I need right now?’
‘You’re sleeping with him already? He’s only been in the office a couple of weeks.’
‘Why wait? The sparks flew between us the moment we met. The chemistry is there but I have to say I was surprised to discover that we also have a lot in common. I actually really like him.’ I could see the joy sparkle in her eyes.
‘I’m so happy for you.’ But I wondered if this relationship would have happened in normal times and if it had a chance after the war ended – if any of us survived at all.
Later that evening as I left the dining hall alone, I was startled to feel a tap on my shoulder.
‘Lotte.’
‘Hauptinspektor, good to see you’ve made it down to dinner. Have you eaten?’
‘A little,’ he said. He looked desperate, fidgeting with the sleeve of his coat. ‘Do you have a few minutes?’
‘Of course. What’s the matter?’
‘I can’t get the images out of my head. I wondered if I could talk to you about it…’ He hung his head in embarrassment.
My heart went out to him. ‘Come on, I know a good place we can talk in private.’
Erich nodded and followed me in silence until we arrived at the door of the small chapel where I had prayed.
‘Is this all right for you?’ I whispered, turning to him. ‘Bettina and I came here to pray while you were in Berlin.’ I stopped, feeling a little embarrassed myself. His eyebrows rose but the nod of acknowledgement that followed encouraged me to continue. ‘We won’t be disturbed and it’s peaceful.’
‘Thank you,’ he said as I pushed the heavy timber door open. The tranquillity of that sacred place told me it was the right space to voice the horrors he had seen.
We sat in a pew near a stand of burning candles. The flickering light glinted against the gold frames of images of the Catholic saints and cast strange shadows across Erich’s pale face, already creased in pain.
‘This brings back memories,’ he said. ‘I haven’t been in a Catholic church since I was a child. My mother’s Catholic, you know? I suppose I am too.’
‘I didn’t,’ I murmured, distracted by his nearness. ‘My mother’s father’s Catholic too.’ Then I was suddenly worried I had done the wrong thing in bringing him here. ‘Was this the right place?’
‘I couldn’t think of a better one. You’re right, it is very peaceful here.’
‘How are you feeling? Bettina and I are worried about you.’
‘I don’t know how to feel,’ Erich whispered.
I waited while he stared at the burning candles.
‘For four days I was accompanied by the men involved in the salvage operation. We rifled through that basement looking for anything that could identity Inga and the children; looking for any clue that might give me some idea of their fate. There was nothing.’ His voice caught. ‘All I saw were mutilated corpses, crushed and damaged beyond recognition, but there was nothing there I could hold onto, that I could say, “This might be them.”’ He was shaking now.
‘Oh Erich, I’m so sorry.’ I didn’t dare touch him. He needed to get this out.
Erich continued describing the four days of hell he had endured. I sat very still, but shuddering from time to time as I learnt what it was like to search for loved ones after a bombing. I sent a swift prayer to God, thanking Him for keeping my own family and home safe.
‘The only reason I came back was that the salvage operation was cancelled when the basement filled with water,’ whispered Erich. ‘There’s nothing else I can do… I don’t know what the next step is.’ He sighed. ‘I can’t say for sure that they perished in that air-raid shelter but I have no reason to believe they somehow survived it. I’m torn between a faint hope that they still live and the overwhelming and crushing reality that they are dead… something I’ll have to accept and come to terms with.’ He stared at the steady flames of the candles; candles that the Catholics lit for the souls of their dead.
‘Tell me about them,’ I said, touching his arm gently. I had seen the children’s photo on his desk, they were beautiful – Eva smiling happily and Walter with the large, innocent eyes of a toddler.
It was enough to break Erich from his brooding despair. He told me about his life with his wife and children. He told me that maybe under other circumstances they would not have married, but Inga had fallen pregnant with Eva and he’d felt obliged to marry and take care of her and his child. They discovered that they were not well suited to each other but they tried to make the best of their situation and give Eva a good home and then Walter too, when he came along. Inga was a good woman but an unhappy one. Erich could not give her what she wanted in their marriage but despite the tension between them, he always returned home to his two wonderful children and their mother – he could do nothing else. I believed him when he told me he thought about them and what they might be doing every day.