‘Now they’re gone. I’m numb. I can’t feel anything. Life passes me by while I just exist.’
I shivered, imagining his pain. As the tears began to flow down Erich cheeks, I was tempted to wipe them away but hesitated, not sure he would appreciate it. Tears rolled down my cheeks too, warm on my face. Grief for Erich and his family mingled with my own grief for Willi and Ludwig and my fear for Heinrich. Wanting to comfort him, I leant forward to grasp his hand.
Before I knew it, I held him in a firm embrace. It seemed to be the trigger for Erich to release his pain in a soft sobbing. I smoothed his hair, his head resting on my chest. How could I protect him from the agony? How could I help him bear his pain?
Finally, silence surrounded us like a cocoon. Erich lifted his head, the candlelight illuminating his face. I couldn’t move, mesmerised by the deep, desperate and raw yearning in his eyes. My body tingled and my breath came quick and fast. His face was a hair’s breadth from mine, filled with vulnerability.
Then Erich kissed me lightly, his lips soft and warm. I did not pull away. I had imagined this moment in my daydreams, but never like this. The reality was better. The connection between us felt right. We both needed comfort. We both needed healing from our pain.
The kiss deepened as Erich’s arm slid up my back to cup my head gently with his hand, more insistent as the pressure intensified. Heat rushed through me, making the pit of my belly clench with pleasure. There was no doubt he was experienced, his sensuality evoking a passion in me so different from the one Heinrich inspired, a passion I wasn’t aware I was capable of. I could imagine sliding into a world where there was just the two of us, falling deeper and deeper into one another. At this moment, I wanted nothing else. As I became aware of that thought, I pulled back, startled.
Puffs of white vapour stained the frigid air from my heavy breaths, as I stared at Erich, not sure what to think. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I spluttered. ‘I never meant to take advantage of you… I just wanted to comfort you.’
‘No, you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry.’ He leant away and shook his head, looking dumbfounded, as if he couldn’t believe he had done such a thing. ‘I’m the one who kissed you, I shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. Please forgive me.’
‘Of course,’ I said, smoothing my coat with trembling hands. I was relieved and crushed at the same time. ‘You’ve been through so much – there’s nothing to forgive.’
‘If you’re sure,’ he said hesitantly. ‘Thank you for listening to me. I didn’t mean to tell you so much… I hope I haven’t upset you?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I’m honoured that you trusted me enough to share what you’ve been through.’
‘I would trust you with my life.’ Erich grasped my arm as if to emphasise what he was saying. His eyes were shining. ‘You’ve really helped… I can bear my burden now.’
‘I haven’t done anything special,’ I murmured, feeling the warmth welling up inside of me. I stared at him, unable to convey my depth of feeling for him. I couldn’t tell him that I trusted him with my life too. ‘I told you we make a good team. As long as I’m by your side, I’ll look out for you. You’ll get through this difficult time.’
Erich kissed my forehead. ‘I couldn’t ask for anything more.’ He rose to his feet and gave me his hand. ‘Thank you for bringing me here.’ He paused. ‘But it’s cold and I’d better get you back before you’re missed at the dormitory.’
We walked in silence back to the dining hall where we went our separate ways.
‘Goodnight, Lotte, and thank you,’ Erich whispered as he walked away.
9
There was no time for me to feel awkward around Erich. In fact, I wasn’t sure how I felt after what had passed between us. Certainly, I felt guilty for allowing Erich to kiss me and for responding to him. I knew that should never happen again. The problem was that every time I looked at him and our eyes met, I felt that connection to him. Something had definitely changed between us. I couldn’t pretend otherwise.
Our personal dramas were quickly overshadowed by the news of the bombing of Dresden, one of the most beautiful medieval cities of Europe. It was obliterated by the firestorm that raged for over a week. Most of us knew someone who had lived there. So many died and we could only imagine what horrific deaths they were. Whole families wiped off the face of the earth – all traces of lives lived, gone. This could happen to any city in Germany, should the Allies choose. A sense of helplessness began to take root in those who had previously hoped for some sort of miraculous victory or amicable peace with the Allies.
One morning not long after receiving his heart-wrenching news, I heard Erich whoop with joy. I hurried into the office, wondering if he’d gone mad, not sure what I’d find.
‘They’re alive,’ Erich whispered, incredulous. Standing behind his desk, he stared at me, his eyes large and wide, a telegram in his hands. I stood there stunned, trying to comprehend his words. Breaking out into a huge grin, he strode towards me, picked me up and spun me around. I shrieked and he put me down, kissing me on the cheek.
‘Look,’ he said, shoving the paper into my face, like an eager school boy. ‘Inga and the children are in Elend. I don’t know how, but they are.’
I read the telegram, my eyebrows rising in amazement. ‘That’s wonderful news. Thank God in Heaven they made it and they’re safe.’
‘I can’t believe it.’ Erich shook his head and dropped into his chair as the news sank in. ‘I have to write to them and make sure everything’s all right.’ He opened his drawer, pulled out writing paper and then stopped, looking over to me. ‘Could you please let the colonel know?’
‘Of course.’
‘I won’t be long,’ he said, setting pen to paper, his hand shaking violently.
Everyone was happy for Erich. We needed a joyful story among all the misery.
Bettina came to my desk on the pretext of discussing one of the reports I had typed. ‘Everything fine?’ she murmured, her head close to mine.
I shot her a perplexed look. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’
‘I’ve seen how things are between you and the hauptinspektor. I don’t know what’s happened, but you’re closer than ever.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘This news has to affect you. There’s no doubt that after something like this, he’ll go back to his wife and family.’
I glared at her, furious. ‘I’m nothing but ecstatic that his wife and children have been found alive and safe. He’s overjoyed and I’m very happy for him, as is everybody here.’
Bettina sighed. ‘Oh Lotte, I know this is hard for you. Don’t forget, I’m here if you want to talk.’ She squeezed my shoulder before turning away.
My cheeks were burning with anger and shame. She was right, of course. Joy, desire, guilt and jealousy all warred within me. Erich was married and had an obligation to his family. I had promised myself there would be nothing further between us but it didn’t stop my feelings for him. On the other hand, I felt the loss of Heinrich acutely. He was still missing; Vati couldn’t find him and nobody had heard anything from him. Why couldn’t a miracle happen to me?
The edges of Heinrich’s photo were beginning to fray with wear. Gazing at it was the only way to remind myself of his familiar lines, imprint his expression in my mind. What I would do if he didn’t return from the front? Feeling trapped, I took to wandering the woods, my thoughts going around and around. The cold and snow didn’t bother me. In fact, it gave me peace and quiet – nobody wanted to be out unless they had to.