“I don’t have to be in Seattle until the beginning of June. I’m staying in Berkeley until then,” he says.
“No. I’m not letting you do that. I can’t let you do that. I’m fine.”
His green eyes look even more determined. “I’m staying.”
The words clog in my throat, and my thoughts jumble in my head. I shouldn’t let him stay in Berkeley, and I don’t know how to tell him to go. I’m not even sure if I want to.
He closes his eyes and exhales. “It’s done. Behind us. I’m not going anywhere. Don’t tell me to. I won’t listen. I wouldn’t be able to work if I left before you were OK, Chrissie.” A myriad of emotions crosses his face. “But I don’t want to talk, not ever, about today. And don’t you ever mention Alan Manzone to me again. Trust me, Chrissie. You don’t want to fucking do that.”
He looks at me and what’s in his gaze is potent and leveling, so I just nod. I ease down until I’m tucked against his body and I wrap my arms around him. For the first time ever, it feels as if Neil needs to be held by me and something about that prompts me not to argue with him about staying in Berkeley.
I don’t know why I do it. The voice inside my head is screaming at me not to. It’s probably wrong. Another mistake. Everything inside me is in parts, dangling, and unclear. Nothing about my life makes sense to me anymore. But I do know I shouldn’t let Neil stay and I sure as hell shouldn’t let him love me.
Somehow, I’ve become my worst me with him.
CHAPTER FOUR
I exit the dimly lit lecture hall into the bright May sunlight to find Neil standing beneath the shade of a giant oak, calmly smoking.
I make my way down the steps and cross the grass to him. Neil stomps out his cigarette.
“How’d you do?” he asks.
“I finished the exam. Beyond that, no promises.”
I make a silly face to maintain my surface expression of no big deal when I am anything but casual over having completed my last exam.
Neil drops a light kiss on my nose. “So how does it feel, Miss Parker”—his voice changes into a lousy Professor Lambert imitation—“to soon be graduating The University California Berkeley.”
I shove my face upward into his. “The grades haven’t posted yet, Professor Lambert. I could still disappoint you. And I could still fuck this one up.”
Neil chuckles, his lips touching mine in a fast kiss. “Pessimist,” he chides, then he takes a step back, grabbing my hand, as we walk off-campus in what I hope will be my last moments ever at The University California Berkeley.
A month ago I wouldn’t have thought today would be possible. My world was crashing around me, and finishing school was something I believed wouldn’t happen. But I’ve made it through my last final—I stare up at Neil as he loosely drapes an arm around my shoulder…thanks to Neil—and I am done, and will have successfully graduated from Cal in four years, in spite of the mess of my life I’ve made here.
“We’re definitely going to have to work on getting you a more positive attitude, Chrissie.” Neil’s green eyes start to gleam. “It’s a big deal that you finished school. I’m so proud of you. You should be proud. Especially with everything…” He breaks off, looking uncomfortable with himself, and then says, “It’s a big deal to graduate Cal.”
A slightly grim wash tempers the lines of his handsome features, and my insides shudder. Neil is thinking about April. I don’t want to think about that day and I’ve definitely got bigger problems to deal with. Graduation means change, and I still don’t know where I’m going after Berkeley.
“Are you hungry?” Neil asks.
“Sure, I could eat.”
We cut across the grass and enter the food court area. Neil pulls back the door to our hippie vegan restaurant.
I stop. “Why do you always bring me here? Why don’t we go get burgers or something? I’ve always wondered why we eat here since neither of us are vegan or vegetarian.”
Neil’s smile is boyish and sweet. “We leave Berkeley tomorrow and I want to eat here, Chrissie. It’s where we had our first date four years ago.”
Distress overwhelms me, and I fight to maintain my outward composure.
“I thought you said that wasn’t a date.”
Neil’s eyes lock on mine. “It was to me.”
I step rapidly ahead of him into the restaurant. My heart clenches even as the blood pumps faster through my veins. The way Neil looks at me is an overwhelming thing. I can see it in his eyes; he is in love me and he thinks we’re going to be together again. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to try to make a go of it with Neil a second time, even though we’ve been really good together this past month. I probably shouldn’t have let him move back into the bedroom. Oh well, it’s not like we have sex, but even without the sex, things with Neil are as confusing as ever.
I just seem to be making more mess in my life. We live together, but we are not together. Same old, same old. That’s our status and somehow it just sort of happened on its own. Easy and wrong. I never seem to be able to do the right thing with Neil. In my head I know what the right thing is. My mouth and my body refuse to cooperate.
Are we together again? It feels like we are, but I’m not sure. How can a girl not be sure about something like this?
Maybe it’s just because he’s such an incredible guy and it’s impossible not to like him. And a girl would have to be dead not to get turned on by Neil.
I give him a fast once-over out of the corner of my eye, smiling at the way his gaze rapidly searches the case trying to find something he’s willing to eat here. He is gorgeous in every way, inside and out.
I plant my arms on the top of the display case and try to decide what to order. Slim pickings. Not even sandwiches. There’s hardly any food here.
“Do you know what you want, Chrissie?”
I shake my head. Nothing looks good.
Neil frowns at the sparse assortment and says, “Well, this might be a bust for our last date in Berkeley. There’s not much of a selection today.”
“We’re shutting down early this afternoon,” the waitress answers from her side of the counter. “Not much business with finals and students moving off campus this week.”
“Yep, campus is pretty dead,” Neil replies, continuing to stare into the cabinet. “OK, Chrissie, they’ve got vegan carrot cake, vegan brownie, and vegan…strudel?”
I roll my eyes. “That’s apple popover not strudel.”
He shakes his head. “Really? It doesn’t look like it.”
“She’s right,” the waitress announces.
“I was kind of in the mood for strudel.” Neil rubs his chin with his long fingers. “Are you sure?”
The waitress laughs. “I’m sure.”
“Crap.” He frowns. “Carrot cake or brownie, Chrissie? I’m not really hot on either.”
“Whatever you want is fine. Or we could just go somewhere else, Neil.”
Neil looks up. “Not a chance. We’re having our last coffee together in Berkeley here.”
He leans in, lightly kisses me, and is smiling as he turns back to the clerk waiting for our order. The waitress’s eyes widen and her expression changes, sparkly and astonished.
“I know you,” she says in a stunned way.
Neil shrugs, dropping his gaze back toward the case. “You should. We’ve been coming in here four years. I think we want the carrot cake.”
“No,” she corrects with more enthusiasm. “I saw you at Sleep Train. You’re that singer from Arctic Hole, aren’t you? You’re him. ”
I bite my lower lip to keep from laughing. Him. There is something about the way she says that and Neil’s reaction to it that is so amusing.
Then I note that Neil is not amused. He doesn’t look up at the waitress and he gives every appearance of a guy who wants to drop through the floor.
The clerk frowns and I realize I am frowning too since calm, smiling Neil is anything but calm and smiling. He’s pulsing with uneasiness.