I roll my eyes and Neil leans in to kiss me, but I’m chaotic inside again. Seattle and the road. I don’t know what I’m doing. Not really.
Neil sinks into the driver’s seat of the Volvo and puts the key into the ignition. “Have you called Jack yet? Let him know about your change of plans?”
I stare out the window. “Nope.”
“Why not?”
I shrug and look at Neil. “Just haven’t. I’ll do it when I get settled in Seattle.”
Neil frowns and shakes his head, and I ignore his unspoken criticism.
As we pull into the condo parking lot, I spy Josh Moss leaning against a wall, smoking. We cross the parking lot and he straightens up, tossing his cigarette onto the pavement. He nods in Neil’s direction and doesn’t look at me.
“You ready to get on the road, man?” he says, giving Neil a one-arm, firm, fast hug.
“I’ve just got to grab our stuff,” Neil says, rummaging in his pocket for the elevator key.
Josh frowns. “Our stuff?”
Neil shrugs. “Chrissie is going back to Seattle with me and out on the road.”
Josh’s gaze shifts to me and the way he’s staring makes me uncomfortable. Josh has never liked me, not really, but it’s never before felt like he hated me. What’s changed? Why does he hate me?
The tic twitches in Neil’s cheek. “You got a problem with Chrissie going out on the road with me?”
The sharpness of Neil’s voice makes me jump. I stare at the guys wondering what this extremely tense moment is all about. The scene holds the feel of shit going on I don’t know anything about.
Josh shakes his head. “No problem.”
“Good. There better not be.” Neil shoves the key into the wall panel, turns it, and calls the elevator.
The three of us are silent as we make the short ride to the top floor. The doors open and Neil grabs my hand, his fingers tight around mine, pulling me along with him out of the elevator ahead of Josh. I peek up at him from the corner of my eye, trying to read his abrupt change of mood. He’s pissed off about something. What happened downstairs? I don’t want to be a problem with the guys. I don’t know why I should be, but it feels like I am.
I drop my purse on the table beside the door and kick off my flip-flops.
Neil points at my duffel and the small carry case next to it. “Is this all you’re taking to Seattle?”
I nod, watching Josh sink onto the couch. I smile at Josh. “Do you want something to eat or drink before we hit the road?”
Stoic and reluctant, he shakes his head. I beat a fast retreat to the kitchen and write the instruction note to the management company and the movers.
When I return to the living room, the guys have already taken downstairs Neil’s boxes of shit. I sit on my knees in the center of the living room, wondering if there is anything I should take other than the small collection of clothes and personal items I packed. I don’t know how long I’m going to be gone or what I’m going to need. Oh well, I guess pretty much everything I own can go to storage in Santa Barbara to be dealt with later.
I stare at the condo, feeling teary again. It looks so stark, so unhappy without everyone’s junk everywhere. A part of my life over. An ending, and perhaps it’s time to make the ending complete.
I debate with myself and brush at a tear.
“Are you ready to go?” Neil asks.
I look up, startled to see him standing over me. He
starts to collect my bags. I make a fast decision.
I point. “Take the duffel, but leave that one.”
He sets down the small black bag, a quizzical arch to his brow. I smile.
“Go load my stuff,” I say. “I’ll be right behind you in a few minutes. I need to take care of one more thing.”
Neil leans over, kissing me. “We’ve got to hit the road, Chrissie. Don’t take all day.”
“I won’t. I’ll be fast. I promise.”
I watch Neil disappear through the front door and then I pull my black bag across the floor and unzip it. I rummage through my things, collecting the little tokens I kept from each time I went to Alan: room keys, his t-shirt, some little knickknack that caught my eye.
I fish out my journals, the ones with my Alan entries and then the photo of us holding each other as we sat on Alan’s terrace our first spring together. That picture I cut from the newspaper before I left him in New York.
I jump to my feet and go to the moving box I haven’t sealed yet. I take out the old cookie tin with his letters, lay my keepsakes of Alan carefully within, then I seal it with mover’s tape. I bury it deep within the other things in the box, then I seal the box and write across the top storage.
I brush at my tears, and will my feet to follow Neil out the door. Downstairs I find him and Josh waiting by the van.
“You got everything you need, Chrissie?” Neil asks.
I smile, staring up at him and I can feel my eyes are sparkly and round. “I have everything I need.”
He looks at me, a touch confused, and opens the door as he takes my bag from me. I fight to get breath in and out of me as Neil waits expectantly for me to climb in.
Neil drops a kiss on my lips and I climb into the passenger seat. An end of a life. The beginning of a new life. Another fast turn on the road and I am lost again.
CHAPTER SIX
Inside the van is so quiet it is nerve-racking. Neil hasn’t spoken a word since we left Berkeley, there is a hovering feeling of conflict between him and Josh, and there isn’t even music on since Josh is sitting on the mattress in the back, guitar in hand, working through whatever sound he is hearing in his head.
I stare out the window at the endless, ugly miles of road. Crap, who would have thought Northern California looked like this? The freeway between Sacramento and the Oregon border isn’t really a freeway. It’s more like two lanes cutting through nothingness where people drive fast.
I lean my cheek on the door, letting the air from the open window tease my hair as I watch Mount Shasta pass me by. Well, that’s a little cool. It’s kind of pretty, still covered with snow on the top in June. Ahead of me I start to see more trees. Giant trees. Redwood? Jeez, is the drive all the way to Seattle going look like this? Barren. Unpopulated. Boring. Why aren’t there people here?
I shift in my seat until I’m facing Neil. “How long will it be until we reach Seattle?”
“Another 10 hours, if we drive all the way through.”
My eyes widen. “Ten hours? You mean we’ve got 10 hours more of this?”
Neil laughs. “Ten hours if we want to make it to Seattle tonight. What do you think being on the road is? It’s road, Chrissie. Haven’t you ever been to Northern California and Oregon?”
I crinkle up my nose. “Nope, I’ve lived a pretty deprived life.”
Neil flicks on the turn signal and looks in the mirror, readying to change lanes. “Somehow I don’t think deprived covers it.” His eyes settle on me for a brief moment, serious, then back to the road. “Not having second thoughts are you?”
I shake my head. “Nope.”
Neil smiles at me. “Good. This is just the drive to Seattle. When we go out on tour, the travel will be more comfortable, more interesting for you.”
“Will it? I still don’t know what you expect me to do here.”
“Whatever you want. Anything. Nothing.” He gives me a look that goes straight to my heart. “Just be with me.”
He lapses back into silence and I study him. I still don’t quite get why Neil wants me here, wants to drag me along in his life, back to Seattle and out on the road. I may have never been out on the road, but I do know a thing or two about musicians.
Most musicians wouldn’t dream of taking their significant other out on tour with them. Shit gets crazy on the road. Men get crazy on the road. The girls get crazy on the road. It’s a place to do anything, no regrets or explanations, where no one tells and everyone just parties. I’m far from a party girl and I’m not exactly a roll-with-it kind of girl either. I’ve heard stories about the road all my life. The last thing Neil should want is me along with him here. Especially if he loves me…nope, he shouldn’t want me here.