“Been hearing good things about you,” Jack says.
Neil shrugs. “Trying hard, Jack.”
“It will come. It will come. Keep your head on straight. Ignore the hype. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do and stay focused on the music and it will come.”
I stare at them, unable to believe my freaking ears. Did Jack really give one of his folksy motivational musician talks to Neil in the middle of his chastising me? Jeez—this keeps getting weirder and weirder.
I sink down on a chair and stare at my white Keds. Freaking unbelievable.
“Is there a twenty-four-hour diner or restaurant near here?” Jack asks Neil. “I’d like to take my daughter out to breakfast, if that’s fine with you, Neil.”
I roll my eyes. I’m sitting right here. Why don’t you ask me what I would like, Jack?
“It’s four in the morning, Daddy. I don’t want breakfast.”
His intense blue stare fixes on me in that way that screams this is not debatable, Chrissie.
“Hey, why don’t I just get out of your way?” Neil suggests, grabbing his jacket from the floor. “I can take a walk and let you guys have some privacy.”
Jack gives a slight smile. “Thanks. I’d appreciate that.”
Neil’s gaze shifts to me. “I’ll be back soon.”
I nod. You had better be, Neil.
Jack and I sit, both holding our tongues as we wait for Neil to leave. I stare off into space until the door clicks closed behind him. I slowly shift my gaze, expecting my dad to launch into whatever is on his mind that brought him here, but he doesn’t. He just sits there, staring at me.
Jack couldn’t make this any more awkward for me if he tried, and I’m a little irritated because I think he’s deliberately doing that. Jeez, what do people do in such hideously awkward moments?
I ask, “Would you like some coffee, Daddy?”
“That would be nice, baby girl.”
I stand up and hurriedly move toward the kitchen. I can feel the displacement of air behind me and know Jack is following me there. I focus on filling the pot with water, turning on the heat, grabbing a cup and then take the instant from the cupboard.
I put a level spoon into the mug. “We just have instant, Daddy. I’m sorry.”
“Instant is fine.”
I look over my shoulder to find Jack standing in the doorway and the way he’s watching me nearly makes me cry. Now that Neil is gone, the worry is on Jack’s face un-tempered.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“Well, you worried me.” He pushes away from the doorframe and crosses the tiled floor to me. “What’s going on, Chrissie? Something has been going on with you for months. Why won’t you talk to me?”
He looks sad. Achingly sad and more than mildly concerned. Tears sting behind my eyelids.
I concentrate on pouring the boiling water into the cup. “There’s nothing, Daddy.”
“You haven’t been home in months. You hardly ever call me and when you do talk to me, you are anxious to get off the phone quickly.”
“I just finished my last semester at Cal. I wanted to focus on school. Make sure I graduate. It doesn’t mean something is wrong. Why do you always overreact to everything?”
“I don’t overreact. I’m pretty damn reasonable ninety-nine percent of the time. Don’t try to change the subject. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. Something is going on with you, Chrissie. Don’t pretend that it’s not.”
I carefully carry the mugs into the living room, set them on the coffee table and then settle sitting on my knees, facing the sofa. Jack sinks down on the couch.
He stirs his coffee to cool it, and it looks like he’s trying to figure out where to begin round two of this.
“So you’re going out on the road with Neil?” he asks calmly.
Dammit, Rene, why did you have to tell Jack all my shit? There is no point in lying, so I don’t bother.
“Yes. I am going out on tour with Neil. It sounded like a fun thing to do, and after school I could use a break from everything.”
He stares at me, perplexed. “When did you start seeing Neil again?”
I flush, and it’s so stupid that I feel guilty over not having shared this with Jack. “About a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack asks, and he looks hurt.
“I thought you liked Neil.”
“I do. He’s a good kid. That’s not the issue here. The issue is what’s happening in your life that you don’t want me to know.”
“Nothing!”
Jack crosses the room and sits on the floor close beside me. His fingers go to my chin and he turns my face so I have no choice but to look at him.
“Don’t say everything is fine, when it’s not. I’m not blind. I can see when something is going on with you. Let’s talk it out, Chrissie, so I can stop worrying about you.”
The earth falls away beneath me, taking my composure with it. I start to cry, and Jack takes me into his arms.
“It’s OK, baby girl. It’s OK.”
I shake my head and say in a soggy voice, “I’ve made such a mess of my life. I’m a terrible person. Don’t be angry. Please don’t worry, Daddy.”
He lays his cheek on my head. “You’re my daughter. I’ve got to worry. Those are the rules. And your life isn’t a mess. Nothing is ever that bad. And you are not a terrible person. You’re an amazing girl.”
I sniff, trying to keep my nose from dripping on his shirt. “I’m just sorting through some stuff, but definitely nothing that should get you all freaked out. I moved to Seattle with Neil. What’s the big deal? We’ve been together for four years. You didn’t need to come here.”
“You moved to Seattle and didn’t tell me,” he counters.
I sit back and look up at Jack. “It was a good decision. I think the best thing for me. Neil is an incredible guy, the most amazing friend I’ve ever had. I couldn’t have made it through the last month without him.”
Jack’s face tightens and his blue eyes sharpen alertly. “What do you mean not make it through the last month? What’s happened in the last month? Did someone hurt you? Were you…?”
He can’t say it, but I can tell by his face what he’s thinking. He’s wondering if I got mugged or worse. Oh crap! Why did I have to mention last month? I’ve kicked up Jack’s worry about ten levels.
“It’s not that bad…” The words die inside me as Jack’s face grows more alarmed.
“Not that bad, huh?” He lets out a ragged breath, impatient and anxious. “What happened, Chrissie, that isn’t that bad?” The way he says that makes me cringe. “I think it’s time you talk to me.”
Oh no, that was not a request. It was a warning that Jack is not going to let this one go. He stares at me expectantly.
I drop my gaze. I can’t believe I’m about to tell my dad about April. But if there is a way out other than just telling him everything, I don’t see it.
“I had an abortion in April,” I hear myself say, and my voice sounds far away, not even my own.
The room fills with crushing silence. I don’t know which one of us is more shocked, me that I said it or Jack that he heard it.
Jack’s expression is impossible to read. “Are you OK?”
My eyes widen to their fullest. “I’m fine,” I say quickly to reassure him. “But I’m still a little overwhelmed by the experience. I didn’t realize until after it was over how much I didn’t want to do it.”
Oh fuck, why did I confess that last part? I haven’t even told that to Neil. Damn.
Jack’s gaze grows more intense and probing. “Then why did you do it?”
That one I am not going to explain. Nothing could force me, not even the rabid concern I see in my dad’s eyes, to tell him about Alan and me. Nope, that part of this mistake I’m not sharing.
“Was it Neil’s?” Jack asks, his voice harsh and clipped.