“No. And Neil wouldn’t have wanted me to have an abortion if it were his. He didn’t think I should do it, but he respected my decision and was really cool through it all.”
Jack nods, his mouth tightening in that way he has when he is really hit emotionally by something. “I’m glad Neil was there for you.” He looks away. “I’m glad you let someone be there for you. Christ, Chrissie, why didn’t you tell me about this?”
I feel the tears burn behind my lids. “It was my mistake and I wanted to fix it on my own. And Neil was wonderful, Daddy. Really wonderful about everything. He took good care of me. I could never have finished the last month at Cal without him.” I wipe at my nose and take in a shuddering breath. “After I’d done it, I realized I didn’t want to. It’s kind of messed with my head and I almost dropped out of school. But Neil wouldn’t let me. He stayed in Berkeley with me until I got my shit together again. He let me talk, he listened and he really cares. He has been so supportive. It made me realize how stupid I was to break up with him.”
Jack’s brows lower into a frown. “If you didn’t want to do it, why did you?”
“The guy wouldn’t have wanted it. He dumped me and it didn’t seem fair to make a decision all on my own that would impact us both for the rest of our lives.”
Anger flashes in Jack’s eyes. “He had a choice. His vote ended when he climbed into bed with you. After that, your body, your choice.”
My face goes scarlet. I’ve never heard Jack so angry and I’m flooded with shame that I worried him because he’s being the dad I’ve always known when I’ve let him be there for me: clear-headed, supportive, loving.
Jack places a light kiss on my cheek and brushes at my tears with his fingertips.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I wish you had talked to me before you did anything. We could have talked it through together.”
“Well, we’re talking it through now,” I say quietly.
“So the guy…what happened to him?”
Jack sounds angry again.
I shrug and fight back a new onslaught of tears. “We’re over. I told you. He dumped me.”
“Asshole,” Jack says under his breath in nearly a growl. “I may be fifty now, Chrissie, but I can still kick his ass if you want me to.”
I take a sip of my coffee, make a soggy laugh, and shake my head. Jeez—there is nothing here to make me laugh, but that one I didn’t expect. “Don’t bother. It’s not worth it. He’s out of my life for good.”
Jack nods. “Good. I don’t think I’d care for the guy. I hope that fucker never comes near you again.”
He won’t, Jack. Alan doesn’t love me…
I cut off my thoughts and sigh heavily. “Being an adult is so much harder than I thought it would be. Why doesn’t anyone tell you that? Every time I think I know where I’m going, the road changes. I’m so tired of the road always changing unexpectedly on me.”
Jack gives me a sad and sympathetic smile. “The road always changes even when you think you’re on a straight path. It does for everyone, Chrissie. Not just you. Try to remember it’s about the journey, baby girl. It’s not about where we’re going. When the road changes it will bother you less if you always remember it’s about the journey.”
Typical Jack. Typical 60s mumbo jumbo. For some reason it doesn’t irritate me today. I’m actually sort of feeling better inside myself. Calmer. Less frantic.
“I don’t know what to do with my life, Daddy.”
“Welcome to the club, Chrissie. We are all in the same place and we’re going to the same place no matter what we do with our lives. The best journeys I’ve had have been when I’ve not known where I’m going, on roads I’ve never expected.”
I study my father. “How did you get over Mom?”
He looks at me, his face enigmatic. “Whoever said that I did? Just because Lena isn’t here doesn’t mean I’m not with her. Your mom doesn’t have to be here for me to love her.” He starts to pick up our mugs from the coffee table. “You can love anyone you want, Chrissie. Just don’t forget that you still have to live.”
I watch Jack move toward the kitchen. He says, “I’ll just pop these in the microwave. They’re cold. And you can go into the hallway and get Neil.”
“Neil went for a walk. He’s not in the hallway.”
Jack laughs. “Oh, Chrissie, I saw the way he looked at you before he went through the door. The kid didn’t get any farther than the hallway. I’m not happy about you going out on the road. I think you should come home. But you’ve got a good guy there, baby girl. Neil really cares about you. That I am not worried about.”
~~~
We arrive at the load-up parking lot before the rest of the band. Neil holds up my suitcases in front of him. “Black one in the bus with you? Duffel in the cargo hold, Chrissie?”
“I think so. I don’t think I’ll need the junk in the duffel until we stop.”
Neil tosses my duffel into the cargo bay, then turns to Jack. “Thanks for seeing us off.”
“Thanks for letting me,” Jacks says.
Jack stayed all morning in the apartment. It was nice he spent time with Neil and me. The three of us talked, really talked, and it was good. Even if it was filled with folksy advice from Jack to Neil about being out on the road, and at times a little awkward since it’s obvious that me being with Neil means that I’m with Neil.
How lame is that? I’m an adult and it feel uncomfortable for my dad to know officially that I’m living with Neil. The pretense is gone with my dad, and it makes everything feel kind of different and not normal yet.
I struggle to contain my flashing thoughts. I definitely don’t want to start turning in my head all the shit that went down at the apartment—jeez, don’t think about that one, Chrissie. What girl tells her father she’s had an abortion?—and completing the ritual of the tour bus departure is going to be strange enough. Why does this feel like I’m being sent off to summer camp?
I watch as my dad gives Neil a one-arm, halfway, guy-type hug, but before Jack pulls back he gives a couple of hard pats on Neil’s back.
“You take care of my girl,” Jack warns. “If you don’t, you’re going to hear from me.”
“You mean there’s more than what I’ve already heard from you this morning to hear from you?” Neil grimaces, but his eyes are sparkling.
Jack shakes his head, glaring. “A lot more. You had better have been listening earlier to every word.”
Neil taps his head with an index finger. “Burned into my memory for life. Every word.”
“Good,” Jack says.
Neil smiles. “See ya, Jack.”
“Don’t be a fuck-up,” Jack warns. “The road can only turns you into a fuck-up if you let it.”
Neil nods. “I know. Besides, I’d have to deal with Chrissie and she is way worse than you.”
Jack is laughing as he turns toward me. He rests his arms on my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you, baby girl.”
I bite my lower lip to hold back the emotion. “I know, Daddy. I’m going to miss you, too.”
His eyes fix on me, loving and intense. “Be careful. Stay smart. Things can get crazy. If it gets to be too crazy, come home.”
“I will. It’s going to be OK.”
Jack nods. “Call me every stop, and fly home once in a while.”
“I will, Daddy,” I promise.
He puts a light kiss on my forehead, and sighs. “I never expected to be sending you off on tour. I never wanted you to be near any of this. Not ever.”
I stare up at him, startled. Is that why Jack never had me travel with him? He didn’t want me near the music industry? Most days I still can’t make sense of my dad, but it’s a nice thought, much kinder than the suspicions I used to have about why Jack never took me out on tour with him. So today I’m not going to try to figure out my dad.
The entire chemistry changes with the arrival of the rest of the band, and soon the guys are like a fast-talking, loud football huddle surrounding Jack. Everyone wants to talk to him—everyone always wants to talk to Jack—but today, it makes me a smidge wistful because I want him to be only my dad. Like he was in the apartment, sitting on the floor with Neil and me. Like he is when we are at home in Santa Barbara together.