He continues into the trees at the edge, through thick green foliage and dense arching tree branches. The world is utterly tranquil and quiet here. And yet the vivid colors, so much richer than the colors in California, remind me of another meadow.
A whisper of sadness starts to move through me as my thoughts drift to another time, a time when I was not a girl who would fuck in the grass. Though I wanted to. I burned to. I burned for him.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
I look up to find Neil studying me.
I shake my head and smile. “Not a thing.”
We step out from beneath the trees into more field. He stops, setting me on my feet, and between kisses he undresses, spreads out his shirt as a makeshift blanket, and then removes my panties from beneath my dress, kissing his way down my legs until they are discarded.
He lies down and pulls me on top of him. Desire thick and pulsing dances through my flesh. He grabs my hips and fills me quickly. I groan and arch my back. Slowly he withdraws and then sinks into me. The tempo builds, harder and faster.
I open my eyes to find him watching my face. I watch him watch me and it makes my blood boil through my veins. But my passion-claimed senses haze my vision and the colors of him—deep tanned skin, chestnut hair with golden sun-flecks, lush green eyes—blur into the rich colors of the meadow. I close my eyes and behind my lids there is only black.
I savor the feel of callused fingertips touching my skin, my muscles tightening there around him, and I change the rhythm of our bodies until it is quick and rough and I can feel nothing beyond my own flesh.
We come apart together, and I explode around him, my whimpers the only sound on the air. I collapse into him until my head is cradled against his chest and we are both struggling to breathe.
“I love you,” Neil whispers.
“I love you, too.” I kiss his chest and then snuggle back into him.
Neil trails his fingers up and down my back. He is quiet for a long time.
“I want us to get married,” he says.
The languidness leaves my flesh in a jolt.
I lift my face from his chest. “Neil, we just got back together again four months ago. I’m not ready to think about marrying you. I’m not ready to think about spending the rest of my life with anyone.”
“We’ve been together four years, Chrissie. We are already spending our life together.”
“I know. But I can’t say yes. Not today.”
I see something on his face, a fleeting emotion that is quickly lost behind the usual arrangement of his features.
“Then explain it to me, Chrissie. Because I don’t know why you’re saying no.”
I pull out of his arms, hunt in the grass for my panties, put them on, and then sit on my knees beside him.
“I’m not saying no,” I whisper. “I’m saying not yet. There is a difference.”
He’s angry now.
“That’s a bullshit line guys give girls, Chrissie, when they don’t want to marry them.”
I blink at him rapidly, my entire face burning. He moves away from me, stands, and starts to grab his clothing from the ground.
“Neil, don’t be pissed.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not pissed, Chrissie. I just don’t get you sometimes.”
I can feel him watching me.
“Can you answer me one question, Chrissie?”
I don’t look at him. I nod.
He sinks down in front of me, crouching at eye level, and lifts my face until I’m looking at him.
“Why do you not want to marry me?”
Shit. Why that question? I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t know the answer myself. Neil is a great guy. He loves me and I love him. I don’t know why I panic every time he asks me to marry him, even back in Berkeley when I used to pretend I thought he was joking. I knew he wasn’t. His proposals made me internally messy.
I shake my head. “I don’t know, Neil.”
He studies my face for a long time, almost like he’s searching for something, doesn’t find it, and then the anger leaves his body.
I frown, not sure what to make of that. He kisses my forehead. “I love you.”
I nod. “I know.”
“We’re getting married. Someday. You’ll say yes.”
I nod, but I know that I shouldn’t, that it’s wrong, because I don’t have the slightest idea why I say no or if I’ll ever yes.
He stands and offers me his hand. “Come on. We should get back.”
I let him guide me through the meadow, but my limbs suddenly feel too weak and heavy. We are quiet on the way back to the bus, and once everyone is loaded up, I move away from Neil to sit back on the bed.
I pull out a journal just for something to do. I grab my pen. My thoughts drifted back to The Farm. I start to write.
I wish I had made love with Alan in the grass during our spring. I wish I could let go of the past. I wish I could move forward. I wish I understood why I love Neil, and yet the thought of marrying him terrifies me.
I stare at the words on the paper, realizing I’d written my thoughts when I didn’t intend to. I tear out the sheet and rip it into tiny pieces. I scrunch it into a ball and shove it deep into my backpack.
I wish I understood me.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Neil sits on the edge of the bed, watching me pack.
“I don’t want you to go, Chrissie.”
The way he says that tells me he’s worried that my leaving is about more than wanting to go home to see Jack.
“We’ve been on the road six months,” I explain for what has got to be the tenth time. “I haven’t been home once. It’s my birthday. I’ve got to go home, Neil. Jack will get disappointed if I don’t.”
“If you wait a few weeks, there is a break in the schedule. We can go to Santa Barbara together.”
“My birthday is Saturday. I’m not changing my plans.”
I focus on neatly folding my clothes and tucking them into the bag to avoid meeting Neil’s unwavering stare.
Everything feels strained and awkward between us. Neil is definitely overreacting to my wanting to go home for a few days. But then, we’ve been off since he asked me to marry him. I know it hurt him that I didn’t say yes, but I’m not ready for marriage, and he should be willing to wait until I am.
I zip closed my bag and sink back to sit on my heels. God, I wish he’d stop looking at me that way.
“I’ll only be gone two weeks.” Then, deliberately silly, I add, “Unless after having me gone Josh has convinced you not to want me back.”
Neil chuckles softly, reluctant humor at best. “Not a chance. I’m going to miss you every day you’re gone.”
I walk on my knees across the carpet to him until I’m between his legs. I rub my hands atop his thighs. “You better miss me at night, too, or you’re going to have pissed-off Chrissie when I return.”
His laughter erupts in a more lighthearted way. He leans in and starts kissing me on my neck. “I will definitely miss you at night. Will you miss me?”
“Every second. I’ve gotten kind of used to having you around.”
He eases back, touching his nose to my nose. “Me too.”
I make a face. “I need to finish packing or I’ll miss my plane.”
I spring to my feet and go to the bathroom to collect my toiletries.
“Are you seeing Rene while you’re there?” I hear Neil ask from the bedroom.
I pop back into the room. “I don’t know yet. I called her to let her know I’d be in Santa Barbara, but she sort of blew me off and didn’t commit to anything. So I don’t know if I’ll see her.”