* * *
The minutes tick by slowly as I lie on my bed staring at my door. The slowest moving night ever. I heard Linda’s car leave a long time ago. I heard the back patio doors open and close. Someone is in the house with me.
Still nothing from my parents.
No one has come to talk to me.
They’ve just left me here, forgotten.
This suspended state in between where we were as a family and where I brought us is excruciating.
I need to text Bobby.
Make sure he’s all right.
You’ve hurt us—I brush at my tears. I don’t want to know what that means, not yet.
My door opens and Chrissie appears, her fragile face swollen with tears. “Are you all right?”
I drop my gaze.
I can’t look at her.
She’s completely devastated.
“Please, Kaley, talk to me!”
I can feel her waiting, pleading with her eyes, even though I won’t look at her.
Then the door closes.
I’m alone again.
More minutes tick by.
Something crashes outside against the stone of the patio. I startle.
“Goddamn you, Chrissie. Is that really your first concern here? What the fuck happened to your kids coming first always? Or does that not count today?” Alan yells.
I flinch and debate whether to close my window. But I can’t move. My legs won’t carry me.
“I’ve talked to the kids,” Chrissie says frantically. “I’ve explained. Or at least tried to. I’m not sure how much they understand. Kaley won’t talk to me. What did you say to her? How is she?”
“Fuck, is that all you care about?” Alan returns in a way so acidic it burns me. “That I might have said something that made you look bad to your daughter?”
He’s so angry. I have never heard Alan angry. He’s never spoken to Mom that way.
“That’s not what I meant,” Chrissie counters quickly. “She won’t talk to me. I’m worried. She’s our daughter. You must be worried, too.”
“Oh, sorry, our daughter. Pardon me for the momentary mental breakdown I’m having in the middle of this fucking insane day you’ve created.”
I cover my ears, like a child, but I can still hear them.
“I never intended any of this to happen,” Chrissie says.
“How the fuck do you have five kids that are mine and not intend it, Chrissie?” Alan snaps and I jump again.
“I’ve tried to tell you so many times. I don’t know why I couldn’t. That’s not an excuse. I know there is no excuse. I’m not going to try to make one, and I think it’s better if we wait until you’re less angry for me to try to explain.”
Oh no, Mom’s rambling.
She’s so afraid.
How could I have done this to my mother?
“There is only one explanation I’d like to hear,” Alan says, his tone rough and cutting. “Then I think we’re through. I know that birth control is beyond basic management for you, Chrissie but, fuck, we both know you know how to get an abortion, so why the fuck didn’t you?”
The color drains from my face.
That was the last reaction I’m prepared to cope with from Alan finding out we’re his kids.
He doesn’t want any of us now.
Not even Khloe.
Oh God, he’s going to leave Mom.
And I’m responsible for this.
“That was mean, Alan,” Chrissie says calmly, but I hear her fighting back tears and worry. “I know you didn’t mean that. It hurts anyway. And I’m sorry that I made you angry enough to say something that isn’t even close to who you are.”
“How could you do this, Chrissie? You stole my family from me.”
“I didn’t steal them, Alan. I kept them for you. I loved them. I waited. There’s a difference.”
She waited?
What does that mean?
Chrissie-speak.
The front door slams loudly.
Alan didn’t understand it either.
He’s left her.
I’m sorry, Mom.
I’m sorry, Mom.
I curl in a ball, hugging myself, choking on fresh tears.
* * *
My bedroom door opens a few minutes later. My mom doesn’t look at me. She moves through my room like a tornado, grabbing my car keys, my phone, every piece of technology I own.
Cutting me off from the world.
I deserve it.
But I wish I’d texted Bobby first.
Chrissie says nothing.
I’m too ashamed to speak to her.
She closes the door between us again.
* * *
Three days pass like only screenshots, disconnected frames not cut into a continuous movie yet. Yep, that’s what my life is. Zoom in. Too clear some moments. Camera fade back. Nothing.
Lourdes brings me my meals. I haven’t left my room for days. Only Mom checks in on me. I still can’t talk to her. Face her. There is so much in my head I need to say, and she’s so worried and sad. I don’t want to dump on her the burden of me, she’s carrying so much right now, and the knot in my stomach warns that what I started in Malibu is far from over.
I don’t know how Mom keeps going.
I want to lie in a ball and never move again.
I don’t know where Alan is.
I wish I was brave enough to face my siblings. I’m so worried about them. I love them. I never wanted to hurt them.
I don’t know where this goes next.
Another limbo state, only this one is because of me.
* * *
Night. I hear voices from my parents’ bedroom. I shoot up in bed. After four days Alan’s back. They’re talking, not yelling. That has to be a good sign.
I wait and listen.
Maybe this horrible nightmare is finally over.
I turn when I hear my door open. Chrissie sinks down on the bed close to me. “Kaley, you need to pack. You’re leaving in the morning.”
Dread shoots through my veins.
What does leaving mean?
I find my voice for the first time in days.
“No, Mom, I don’t want to leave you.”
She surrounds me with her arms. I hear her sniff. She was crying before she came in here. Her hands move gently on my back. “Everything is going to be OK, Kaley. I love you. Your dad loves you. But right now you need to do what I say. Pack. Alan is leaving in the morning with you, Krystal and the twins.”
“Leaving? What does that mean?”
“Your dad has to leave tomorrow. He’s on tour for four months. He can’t cancel so he’s taking you with him.”
I pull back, anxiously searching her face. “You’re going with us, too, right?”
“No, baby girl. I’m staying here with Khloe. It’s the best thing all around for all of us.”
Best thing all around?
How could that be good for any of us?
“I’m so afraid, Mom. Don’t make me leave you.”
She smiles, a calm, almost peaceful thing, almost too weird to see. “You’re going, Kaley.”
She starts to rise and I stop her with my hands.
“I’m not leaving this house unless you explain to me what’s happening. Alan didn’t know we were his. I was there. I saw his face. How could you do this, Mom? And he doesn’t want us. He’s made that really clear. How could you make us leave with him? And how can you say everything is going to be OK? I don’t believe you. Don’t lie to me again. Not now.”
Her hands close on my face so quickly I don’t see them move, only feel the pain of too tightly held cheeks in shaking fingers.
“I have loved your father since I was eighteen. With all my heart, Kaley.” She takes several rapid breaths before her brilliant blue doe eyes lock on me. “Alan is the only man I’ve ever loved. But I love you more. I love you kids more. So how could I do this? I’m your mother and I love you more. How could I tell you to pack and go? I’m your mother. How can I tell you everything is going to be OK? I’m your mother. I love Alan with all my heart but, baby girl, I’m your mother and I love you more. Pack. You’re leaving in the morning.”