Then she walks from my bedroom, and there is nothing but the four walls and me again.
* * *
I start shoving things into a bag even though I tell myself I’m not going on tour alone with Alan. I won’t survive that. I can just run away. Go to Bobby. He’s always wanted to get out of the ’Sades. Maybe he doesn’t hate me. Maybe he’s as worried about me as I am about him. Maybe he’ll leave with me if I can just figure out a way to see him.
I’m sitting in the center of my room on the floor beside my duffel when my door opens.
My heart accelerates and the shaking returns.
Alan settles on the small sofa, facing me. “Are you doing all right, Kaley?”
The lump in my throat makes speech impossible.
I nod.
“Has Chrissie explained what’s happening?”
I nod, though she didn’t really explain anything.
“We’re leaving early in the morning,” he says quietly. “We’re spending five days at my home outside London. I think we need time to regroup. Then we are leaving the UK for four months on the road. Your sisters and brothers depend on you. More than you realize. Try to remember that, sweetheart. It matters to them how well you are.”
It matters to them…
Message received, Alan.
He still hasn’t admitted he’s my father. Or Krystal’s. Or Eric’s. Or Ethan’s. He hasn’t spoken a word about any of that. Not to me. I wonder if he has to them. I only heard him call us his children when he yelled at Chrissie in the backyard.
I lift my face.
I meet his gaze directly.
“I don’t want to go anywhere with you.”
His cheek twitches, but his expression doesn’t change.
“You are my responsibility legally and morally. I can’t leave without you and I can’t stay. I expect you to do as I ask for the next four months. And when you get back to LA, you have my word, I won’t interfere in your life. Not in any way. You can do what you want after we get back, Kaley. But tomorrow you are leaving California with me.”
“I don’t want to go. Let me stay here with Mom. You’re ruining my life.”
Impassive.
“No, I am not ruining your life, sweetheart. I’m making sure you still have one when you get back to LA.”
* * *
I hear a sound. A tap on my glass sliding door. I roll over in bed and check the clock. 3:30 a.m. Another tap. Oh God, please…
I rush from my bed and pull back the curtain. Bobby is standing on the patio. My shaking hands fumble with the latch and finally get it open.
I hurry toward him and some marginal parameter of my brain notes he steps back, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Everything inside me starts to twirl, though I’m not sure why, only a feeling that something very wrong is about to commence again.
“Bobby, thank God you’re here,” I cry, throwing my arms around him.
A shudder passes through him. “It’s been awful not being able to talk to you. I’ve been out of my head worrying. I had to come before you leave to make sure you’re doing all right, Kaley.”
Before I leave?
I ease back and he comes into focus clearly for the first time. There is something on his face that makes me anxious and afraid. “I’m all right now that you’re here. Why are you acting so strangely, Bobby?”
Suddenly, he puts more distance between us. The abruptness sends sensation through me like a tsunami.
He shakes his head. “Jesus Christ, Kaley. Do you even have a clue what you did? To your family? To me? To you?”
“It doesn’t matter if you still love me.”
He runs a hand through his hair and now he is visibly shaking. “Love you? I love you with everything I am. But what I saw you doing—how you looked, baby—it scares the hell out of me because I don’t know if my loving you will ever be enough and I need it to be.”
My lids fly wide and I try to take back the space between us in desperate urgency, but his hands close on my arms, keeping me away.
“You’re everything to me, Bobby. We can take off like you’ve always wanted. Let’s leave. Now. Together.”
I stop him from speaking with my kisses, locking my mouth to his with the frenzied passion coursing through me. Bobby’s breath begins to quicken inside him. His body starts to mold into me in slow degrees, his mouth moving with mine—
The kiss breaks off and he springs back from me.
“No. No. No,” he whispers roughly and closes his eyes. “I can’t do this. You need to go. And I need to stay here.”
Oh God, I see it on his face and I don’t want to.
I stare at him with wounded and stricken eyes. “You came here to tell me we’re over, didn’t you?”
He looks at me, those gentle green eyes plunging into my heart like a knife. “Four days ago I would have left with you. It’s the only thing I wanted. But too much has happened. I’m not sure anymore about anything. I didn’t come here to leave with you tonight. I’m not going on this tour even though it’s the last tour for the band and Linda wants me there. We need to step back from each other. I need to figure out if I can ever be who you need me to be. You need to figure out, Kaley, if you want me because you love me or because you hate Alan.”
* * *
I sit on the patio chair through the night, turning over and over again in my head the last four days and trying to make sense of them. Mom. Alan. Bobby. Me. I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know where I’m going.
Light spreads across the sky. Dawn. A new day. New possibilities, as Grandpa Jack would say. I don’t see any possibilities. Or rather, not ones I want to see.
I’ve destroyed my world. Completely. Every part like tiny specks of sand on the ground at my feet, too small to scoop up. I am lost in a sandstorm of too quickly coming changes, and I can’t stop it. I am being dragged away from everything I have ever known.
Whether I want to be or not.
Alone.
With a stranger.
Alan.
CHAPTER 25
Six days later
The car drives out onto the tarmac and then stops. I shift my gaze to look out the window. Oh crap, people everywhere. The band. Families. Tour crew and press. This should be fun. Time for warped family adventure to begin.
The door is opened and I turn my gaze back to Alan. Jeez, can the guy look any more uptight? He wanted us here, none of us wanted to leave Mom, and he doesn’t haven’t the first clue what to do with us.
Waiting, Alan. Say something already or do you plan to keep us in the car all day? This is freaking ridiculous.
He removes his glasses. “Listen, there is press out there. I want you to exit the car, go directly onto the plane and say not one word to anyone.”
Krystal nods.
I roll my eyes.
My dad puts his sunglasses back on and gestures me out first. The cameras explode. There are shouted questions from every direction. I move quickly toward the stairs and trot up into the plane.
As I step into the cabin, there’s a noticeable hush. Fuck, the flight attendant looks like her eyes are about to pop out of her head. Yep, it’s true. I look just like him. It’s not tabloid bullshit or Photoshop. Get over it.
I wait impatiently for my siblings, trying not to make eye contact with anyone—especially Linda who is not so subtly glaring at me from her seat—and really wish I could figure out a way to be invisible.
I turn toward the steps as Krystal appears and closes in on me.
She frowns. “Thanks a lot for waiting for me. What are we supposed to do now?”
I shrug, since I really don’t know. Probably hold up here for Alan and the twins. Fuck, I wish they’d hurry. Standing in the front of the plane is like being on display.
Through the open door I hear more rapidly flashing camera sounds and heavy footsteps on the stairs. First Eric appears. Then my dad carrying Ethan.
My heart clenches at the sight of my brother. Ethan is so shy and sensitive. He looks absolutely miserable. I wonder if Alan gets that.