"I'd be glad to provide you with the records," Chuck said, and then took a wild look at Pat but obviously could not re- strain himself, "because they prove that it's an undisputable virgin birth! My dear Patricia, I could not resist!"
We all pounced on Chuck for that, while he kept demanding what was wrong with the guys in this burg and begging Pat's forgiveness. She was so torn between laughter and embarrassment that she couldn't say a thing, but the general confusion roused the baby in her arms. She made that an excuse to leave the room, saying that the conversation had taken a damned crude turn for her virgin ears and it was not fit talk for her niece's impressionable mind.
When we had calmed down, wiping the tears of mirth from our cheeks - we had needed that laugh - Perry pressed us for details. We had no hesitation in being candid with him: it was to our advantage.
"To go back a bit," he suggested when he'd absorbed the important facts and points of the exogenetic technique, "you said something about being in trouble with the ecclesiastical as well as the secular. Now, exactly what did you mean?"
"Your kind parishioners didn't have all the news, Dr. Dickson," said Chuck. "Warrants were served on Peter and Pat about two hours ago for incestuous fornication and adultery."
Perry's eyes went out of focus, and his jaw dropped.
"Oh, my word! How terrible! I mean, who would possibly…"
"My mother," said Cecily from the hall door. She was pale but composed. Pat came in behind her.
Dr. Dickson was on his feet instantly, and after giving her the gentlest, most affectionate of embraces, he drew her and Pat back to the couch to sit on either side of him. He was patting their hands consolingly.
"My dear child, are you positive it was Louise?"
"Oh, yes," Pat answered. "Mrs. Baxter visited the cottage hospital where I was registered as Cecily Kellogg… so the birth certificate would show the real parents. It was Louise."
"I have never understood your mother's antagonism toward Peter," Perry said to Cecily, "particularly since he is so like your own dear father, but for her to… to scandalize her own daughter… I shudder!"
Cecily was doing just that, and then Wizard's warning bark caught her and us up short.
"Hey, call off this dog before I have to shoot him!" yelled an irate male voice. We looked out the front windows. A police car, without sirens, had pulled up to the curb behind an equally official-looking white station wagon. I couldn't see the emblem on its side, but there was a uniformed nurse sitting on the passenger side. The policemen were in their car, just watching the perspiring seersucker-suited man held at bay by Wizard.
"You oughta tie up a vicious animal like that," he said to me as Peter and I got to the porch ahead of the others.
"The shepherd is here to keep off trespassers," I told the man.
"Well, I ain't trespassing. I'm on official business."
"What kind?" asked Chuck, solidly planting himself in the doorway.
"Call off that dog first."
"Only after you state your business."
Dr. Dickson tugged at Chuck's sleeve but kept back in the shadow of the doorway.
"He's a process server," Perry whispered. "I don't usually interfere with the grinding of legal wheels, but stall him!"
"Why?" Pat asked in an urgent low voice.
Perry pulled her back into the house, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Cecily join them and disappear down the hall. Then my attention was engaged by this latest emissary of law and order.
"Look, call off that dog. I got a court order here to take into protective custody the infants" - he turned the paper right-side up so he could read it - "Carla and Anne Kellogg."
Peter groaned, his shoulders sagging hopelessly. Chuck threw a protecting arm about him.
"You'll never take those children from me," Peter said in low but distinct tones.
"Buddy, you gonna be in contempt of court, too?" He beckoned toward the police car, and the officers got out and ranged themselves behind him.
"Mr. Kellogg, you better give up those kids, unless you want to be in more trouble than you already are," one of them advised. "I'd hate like hell to shoot Wizard, but you're resisting a court order."
"Issued by whom?" demanded Peter.
"That don't matter, Mr. Kellogg. We got a writ for the kids, and we're gonna have to take 'em."
"Oh, really?" asked a suave voice cheerfully.
"Jasper, thank God," cried Chuck, leaping off the porch to greet the tall, excessively thin man turning in at the gate. We had been so engrossed with the threat of the process server that we hadn't noticed the sleek black Mercury convertible pull up to the curb. "Legal eagle, do your stuff, now if ever!"
Jasper held out an array of long white bones and snapped them negligently for the warrant, which he examined very closely, whistling as he handed it back.
" 'Fraid it's all too legal and binding, folks," he said dolefully, and, grabbing Chuck by the arm, he propelled him past Wizard to gather us into a conference group on the porch.
The process server tried to follow, only to stare at bared teeth. The policeman stepped forward, too, his hand on his revolver butt.
"For God's sake, man, I must confer with my clients," said Jasper, waving peremptorily at them to keep their distance.
"Let them proceed. Let them search the house," he told us in a low voice. "Oh, it's all right. I know what I'm doing," he said at our shocked reactions. "Someone control that dog, huh?"
Reluctantly, Peter called Wizard to him. The dog's whining protest echoed my feelings precisely as we numbly watched the odious little man enter the house and trudge toward the hall.
"You've some powerful enemies, to get that kind of writ served so damned quick," Jasper said to us sotto voce.
"Goddammit, Johnson," Chuck said, but at that moment the process server came storming back into the living room, holding up an empty carry cot.
"Where are they? I saw a woman holding a baby when I drove up here. Now where are they?"
"Where are who?" asked Pat as she and Cecily came in from the kitchen. "Who's this? What's he doing storming around here?" Pat sounded quite indignant.
"Where are those babies? I got a writ!"
"There are no babies in this house," said Cecily quietly. "Go ahead, look!"
"There were babies!" The empty carry cot was brandished and then flung onto the couch.
"How the hell did you do that?" Chuck muttered to Jasper, and then all of us had to keep our questions and our emotions to ourselves, for the process server came charging back into the room.
"I want those kids. Where are they?"
"You'll have a stroke, rushing around like this in all the heat," Chuck said dispassionately.
"Mr. Kellogg, you're in enough trouble," one of the cops said.
"I'll get those kids, you incestuous bast-"
Peter's fist was cocked, but Chuck was quicker. His punch landed with a satisfactory crunch that sent the process server toppling over the sofa arm, onto the edge of the carry cot, which tipped onto his head, smothering him briefly in, I hoped, smelly sheeting.
"That's assault, mister," one of the cops said severely, and started for Chuck. Wizard crouched, growling.
"With four impartial witnesses to testify to undue provocation?" asked Jasper. "I think not." The crispness and authority in Jasper's manner cooled the situation. He gestured to the policeman to help the groaning man to his feet, at which point Jasper relieved him of the piece of paper he was still clutching. "You are only required to serve the court's warrants, summonses, and writs, in a manner befitting the dignity of your position, which does not include slanderous remarks. As there are no babies, infants, kids on these premises. Officers, I suggest you search elsewhere." He handed back the summons.